Dating relation problem

I [23M] broke up with my girlfriend [24F] because I wasn't happy with her weight. Is this something I should have brought up with her before breaking up, given her past eating disorder?

2020.10.24 19:42 johnnygalt69 I [23M] broke up with my girlfriend [24F] because I wasn't happy with her weight. Is this something I should have brought up with her before breaking up, given her past eating disorder?

I broke up with my girlfriend a month ago after dating for 9 months because I was getting a lot of anxiety when thinking about our future together. After a lot of careful thought, I realized that it was because I was disappointed in her appearance due to weight.

She is probably about 30-40 lbs overweight and has been since we started dating. I committed to being her bf hesitantly but thought that a small amount of extra weight shouldn't matter. As time went on, however, I noticed that I was wanting to keep my gf a secret from my friends and family. She noticed this too, as she sometimes asked why she hadn't met my friends yet. One time she was drunk and said that I was ashamed of her, which I shrugged off. I felt like as a decent looking guy in my early 20s, that a nice body is something important to me in a relationship.

A related problem is that she was hospitalized five years ago for an eating disorder. She didn't look to be overly skinny at this time, but after she recovered she gained a lot of weight. She lost some of it since then but is not back to an ideal weight. Once when talking about this, she said she could become crazy again like she used to be if I wanted. I said no, but deep down I wished she was thinner. Her diet and exercise could use some work, but I know she is capable and has the motivation. I'm not sure how this would affect her mental health though. She had recently changed her diet and made a workout plan, which makes me think she may have been trying to lose weight without telling me directly.

I love this girl so much and she checks all the boxes for me, aside from her appearance. She loves me too. At this point in my life, my SO being overweight is a deal-breaker, even though I terribly wish it wasn't. We never fought until the lead up to breaking up, and now I want her back. I'm fairly confident she would take me back, but I'm not sure how she would respond to me asking her to lose weight. I already feel like an asshole and don't want to hurt her a second time.

My 3 questions:
  1. Should I tell her that this was a pain point for me in the relationship, and ask for her back if she could work on this?
  2. Should I leave things as is in order to not hurt her self-esteem any more than I already have?
  3. If I decide to talk to her about it, how do I say it in the least hurtful way possible?

TL;DR: Broke up with my girlfriend because she was overweight, but didn't tell the reason. I was afraid to confront her about it because of her previous eating disorder. Now I want her back, but I'm not sure if I should bring it up at this point. It's not something I can simply overlook. What should I do?
submitted by johnnygalt69 to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 19:34 MelodicEarth2 The three wife-sister narratives in Genesis shouldn't be trusted as historical

There are three wife-sister narratives in Genesis, part of the Hebrew Bible, all of which are strikingly similar. The narratives occur in Genesis 12, 20 and 26. At the core of each is the story of a biblical patriarch who has come to be in the land of a powerful foreign overlord who misidentifies the Patriarch's wife as the Patriarch's sister, and consequently attempts to wed her himself. The overlord later finds out his error. Two of the three stories are similar in many other details, including the ruler's name, Abimelech.
Abram and Pharaoh
The first episode appears in Genesis 12:10–20. Abram (later called Abraham) moves to ancient Egypt in order to evade a famine. Because his wife and half-sister, Sarai (later called Sarah), is very beautiful, Abram asks her to say that she was only his sister lest the Egyptians kill him so that they can take her. On arriving before the Pharaoh, the Egyptians recognise Sarai's beauty, and the Egyptian princes shower Abram with gifts of livestock and servants to gain her hand in marriage. Sarai thus becomes part of "Pharaoh's house", but Yahweh sends a plague. Pharaoh restores Sarai to Abram and orders them to leave Egypt with all the possessions Abram had acquired in Egypt.
Abraham and Abimelech
Genesis 20:1–16 narrates the story of Abraham emigrating to the southern region of Gerar, whose king is named Abimelech. Abraham states that Sarah, his wife, is really his sister, leading Abimelech to try to take Sarah as a wife; however, God intervened before Abimelech touched Sarah. Abimelech complains to Abraham, who states that Sarah is his half-sister.
Abimelech then restores Sarah to Abraham, and gives him gifts of livestock and servants by way of apology, and also allows Abraham to reside anywhere in Gerar. Abimelech also gives 1000 pieces of silver to Abraham to reprove Sarah by a "covering of the eyes". Abraham then prays for Abimelech and the king and his wife and concubines are able to conceive children; they previously could not.
Isaac and Abimelech
The third episode appears in Genesis 26:1–33. Here it is Isaac who, in order to avoid a famine, emigrates to the southern region of Gerar, whose king is named Abimelech. Isaac has been told to do so by God, who also orders him to avoid Egypt, and promises to him the fulfillment of the oath made with Abraham. Isaac states that Rebekah, his wife, is really his sister, as he is worried that the Philistines will otherwise kill him in order to marry Rebekah. After a while, Abimelech sees Isaac sporting (Hebrew mitsahek) with Rebekah and states that she must be Isaac's wife rather than his sister.
Abimelech then orders that Rebekah be left alone by the denizens of Gerar, on pain of death. Isaac goes on to spend a year in the area, and becomes wealthy, leading the Philistines in Gerar to envy him, so Abimelech sends Isaac away.

There are a few things that can be said with near certainty regarding the Hebrew Bible and are agreed upon by almost every academic scholar. 1) There is not a "single" author of the Torah, nor was it written in full at one point in time. 2) The Torah is manifestly not historical.
Just in this story the ahistoricity can be made clear by noting a few basic facts. Two of the stories have Abraham and Isaac visiting the Philistines in the city of Gerar. A quick chronology of the ancient near east shows this is impossible. Here are some landmarks
  1. Jericho destroyed c. 1500 BCE (known from detailed archaeological excavations)
  2. Arrival of the Philistines c. 1200-1000 BCE (the Philistines are mentioned among the Sea Peoples by Ramses III who arrive during the late bronze age collapse)
  3. First kings of Israel and Judah c. 1000-900 BCE (dated back from the destruction of the temple in 586 BCE)
  4. Gerar regains prominence c. 700 BCE (again, from archaeology. Gerar was relatively uninhabited between about 1200-800 BCE)
So, there is no hope of placing this story historically. The patriarchs have to come before Jericho is destroyed for obvious reasons, but no Philistines existed then. If you remove Jericho from the equation, you still have a problem that the patriarchs are visiting the Philistines in Gerar which was uninhabited until well after the monarchial period started. There are numerous other reasons why this cannot be historical, this is just to get started.
From the Jewish encyclopaedia:
"From the point of view of the history of culture these episodes are very instructive. But it is not very probable that Abraham would have run the risk twice. Moreover, a similar incident is reported in regard to Isaac and Rebecca (Genesis 26:7–11). This recurrence indicates that none of the accounts is to be accepted as historical; all three are variations of a theme common to the popular oral histories of the Patriarchs. That women were married in the way here supposed is not to be doubted. The purpose of the story is to extol the heroines as most beautiful and show that the Patriarchs were under the special protection of the Deity."
From a secular scholar's perspective:
If you want to do even more research on this subject, you will find several documents from Nuzi which correspond to the wife-sister motif in the Hebrew Bible. Also some tablets from Kirkuk. Samuel Greengus (Hebrew Union) has done a fair amount of work on this subject. It's re-hashed folklore that's found in other documents of the ancient Near East.
submitted by MelodicEarth2 to DebateReligion [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 18:17 sibesky Junos releases and "Can I upgrade directly from X to Y?"

Junos software release numbering can be very confusing even if you are very seasoned with the platforms. After switching from Cisco I've been working primarily on Juniper kit for eight years and these are some of the things I've learned.

What does the release name mean?

For the last few years Juniper has moved to a quarterly major release cycle. These major releases are generally where new features get added or other major changes happen. 19.4 is originally from 2019Q4 and 20.1 is from 2020Q1, it's still only one major release step just the same as 20.1 to 20.2.
"R" followed by a number is the revision of a major release. New features and changes in behaviour can still happen between subsequent revisions of a major release but it should be more confined to fixing or improving an existing feature rather than radical changes to the underlying code base.
"S" or "Junos SR" or "Service" releases contain only fixes for minor or major Problem Reports (PRs) for features contained in the major release revision. Generally it's pretty safe to assume that a higher Service release for a given Standard release above that you are already running is a safe upgrade path. Service releases should have an accompanying set of release notes which is usually a big list of PRs that you might want to look through, or you may have encountered a PR in your network and you want to upgrade to resolve it.
"X" releases are a special case separate to the above. Originally this was really just fast tracking security features for SRX platforms. However it seemed they also started doing this for other new platforms like QFX, ACX and ELS based EX (2300/3400/4300). Some of the older SRXs are staying on X releases now they are EOL but the current generation SRX/QFX/EX are now getting folded back in to the standard Junos releases.
There are often a number of options to still choose after you have selected your release on the download page:
There are no doubt more special cases but the point is just be careful of them and try and research it if you're not sure.

What software should I run?

Your first starting point should generally be the KB article Junos Software Versions - Suggested Releases to Consider and Evaluate. Pick your platform and go to the download page. Take special care of this note:
NOTE: To locate a Junos release containing an 'S' (i.e. Junos 17.3R3-S3), on the Software Download product page change the OS drop-down from Junos to Junos SR
A bigger number major release is not better than a smaller one; it's often not even "newer". 12.3R12-S17 was released a couple of weeks ago for EX2200/3200/4200 because it's still being worked on and those platforms don't have the storage/memory/capability to run newer major releases. You can see just how many revision and service releases they've been through so it's a guide to how mature the software is (just don't expect new features).
You might ignore the JTAC recommended and do your own thing in many cases:

Should I upgrade?

Maybe. Is something not working right? Is there a new feature you really need? Is there a security vulnerability you need to patch?
You should probably keep an eye on the recommended release but you don't need to panic about immediately implementing it in your network if it's all working fine (security vulnerabilities aside if you cannot mitigate them with a workaround).
Bad recommendations happen, you have to test it in your use case. A few months ago there was a JTAC recommended on the QFX5100-48T that completely broke 10G copper auto negotiation. And they had a recommended for SRX1500 where all the front panel LEDs stopped working. That KB article says "Suggested", "Consider" and "Evaluate". You have to balance the risk.
There is the Feature Explorer where you can check what is supported where if you have a specific feature you want or need. There is the Product Documentation where you can find release notes for software (or it's linked from the download page). And there is the Problem Report Search tool where you can lookup PRs (a login is required and a PR may still be internal only and not visible).
Some people take the view that you should never upgrade if it works; even if you have a long list of issues and their accompanying workarounds. I always feel that's not a great approach. There are some strange old bugs out there like renaming a VLAN on EX breaks things or inserting/removing a PSU on a MX240/480/960 during a certain rolling windows since it's boot up will cause it to stop being able to talk I2C to all the installed components. Your network may work, but you may be building up a lot of legacy minor issues that can easily get out of hand. Beware of creating those hacky scripts to sit looking for a trigger and logging in to restart a process or reboot a device. Actively raise and track your PRs and try and get them out of your network. You may hit new ones if you upgrade but hopefully the general trend for the same design and feature set is improvement.

Can I upgrade directly from X to Y?

Maybe. Conversely to some opinions of "limit it to X release jumps" my answer is generally yes but...
"Downgrading" is a situation where you have to be even more careful. Configurations may be invalid after downgrade, the hashing mechanism for the root password may have changed and many other pitfalls if that's a major release step.
In general though it is usually fine to make large jumps in release if the release you are jumping to is recommended for your platform. All those X release jumps from 12.3X or 15.1X back in to 18.218.318.4R are fine as that's just Juniper folding all those rapid release features back in to mainline software. Don't go trying to run 18.4R3-S4 on a SRX1xx/2xx (or other wild jumps for older platforms) though because they won't have the memory for it and there probably isn't actually any changes relevant for it!
submitted by sibesky to Juniper [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 17:52 Old_Guitar Need Legal Help with Mechanic

Hey everyone, I’ve never had an issue like this happen so I’m posting here for possible legal help and advice on what I should do.
In October 2019 I was contacted by a well known mechanic (and friend) for help. This guy specializes in modifications of vehicles. I have a 2014 Subaru WRX and was contacted by the mechanic about an arrangement. He had a 2013 WRX that he needed a stock motor for in order to sell. He proposed that if I allow him to take my stock motor he would build me a new motor and include several extra parts for a large discount.
We set up an agreement (non-written, mainly over texts and in person) that I would pay him $3,800 for all the work done. I told him up front before he did the work that I was not able to pay that all in full any time soon and he agreed that I could pay him over time. He asked me how much I was comfortable paying and I told him that I was only able to pay $200-300 a month in which he agreed was fine and stated that because I helped him out he would accept it. He also stated that he was fine that the payments would take a while and said that I could pay as long as I needed. He also stated that he would be doing all the maintenance on the engine from now on.
Since then, I have made several visits to his shop back and forth because of constant issues that came up with the engine. He then tells me that this is the first time he’s put an engine like that fully by himself. One week later (October 24) the car started having a constant coolant issue. This issue took more than 5 months of back to back trips to get sorted out. In which this is my only vehicle and I am a working father who takes care of a daughter and my fiancé who needs a vehicle to get to work. Sometimes he would keep the car for several weeks and even up to more than a month. A lot of the times when I would try to get a hold of him via text or calling he would either ignore or give me a date of when it would be ready and it would never be ready by then.
After that issue was resolved another one occurs. This time an air leak and a code for a Cam Intake issue that was related to the cam shaft. I messaged him about it (with a screenshot of the specific code on May 29th). I brought it in to him and he said he resolved it but the same code kept appearing. Come July the car now had a major oil leak. I contacted him again and specifically asked him if he could look at the same code that keeps coming up. He replied saying that he would “resolve it”. I take it back in to him and when I get it back the same exact code appears. I mention it to him and he completely ignores me and never replied back. I simply left it be and kept using the car.
Now I have been paying the $200/mo to him and have the payment documentation for it. I had skipped a month or two of payments because times got tough for a bit. I texted him apologizing for the lack of payment and that very same day sent him a payment and started getting back on track. He yet again ignores my message and doesn’t try to get a hold of me. He then sends me an invoice saying that the remaining balance had to be paid in full due due to past agreement time of $500/mo for 6 months. First off, that’s not the agreement we had and I tried contacting him about it and was blown off yet again.
I would like to state that every other time I would take the vehicle to him he never charged me because it was issues on his part. Now fast forward to recently, the same issue I had back in May that he said he fixed but never did ended up causing more problems to the vehicle. I finally got a hold of him and told him about it and he stated that the issue was because of that code. He stated that it would be a 2 hour job and I dropped the vehicle off to him last Wednesday and got picked up. 2 hours later I was never contacted and he ignored my texts, calls, and emails asking for an update. Then yesterday he says the vehicle would be done soon and sends me an invoice for $640 for the job. When I dropped the vehicle off he never gave me a quote or estimate before he did the repair.
I asked him about it and he stated that I “killed the engine due to lack of maintenance from low oil pressure”. I told him that the issue he fixed has been occurring since May and that I mentioned it to him multiple times as well as provided screenshots of me mentioning it to him. He then ignored what I said and said that I now had to pay the invoice for the agreement we had as well as the new invoice for the work he just done but never quoted me for or he wouldn’t release the vehicle to me. I explained my frustration with him about the constant issues. He then states “you shouldn’t have accepted a deal you couldn’t afford” and stops replying. The fact that he stated that to me when he was the one that was okay with the agreement really upset me. He never issued an official Lein notice to me, no paper work, nothing at all. I live in Arkansas and I was told that he would have to legally give me a written notice and that the time frame of him even being able to was too far gone. I also spoke to an ex-officer of 7 years who informed me that him doing this was going against Arkansas Statute of Criminal Mischief.
I plan to stop by the police department later today to file a report and show them all the messages and screenshots I have for evidence. But all in all I am wondering if there is any other advice I should be given on how to go about handling this.
submitted by Old_Guitar to legaladvice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 17:42 Old_Guitar Need Legal Help with Mechanic

Hey everyone, I’ve never had an issue like this happen so I’m posting here for possible legal help and advice on what I should do.
In October 2019 I was contacted by a well known mechanic (and friend) for help. This guy specializes in modifications of vehicles. I have a 2014 Subaru WRX and was contacted by the mechanic about an arrangement. He had a 2013 WRX that he needed a stock motor for in order to sell. He proposed that if I allow him to take my stock motor he would build me a new motor and include several extra parts for a large discount.
We set up an agreement (non-written, mainly over texts and in person) that I would pay him $3,800 for all the work done. I told him up front before he did the work that I was not able to pay that all in full any time soon and he agreed that I could pay him over time. He asked me how much I was comfortable paying and I told him that I was only able to pay $200-300 a month in which he agreed was fine and stated that because I helped him out he would accept it. He also stated that he was fine that the payments would take a while and said that I could pay as long as I needed. He also stated that he would be doing all the maintenance on the engine from now on.
Since then, I have made several visits to his shop back and forth because of constant issues that came up with the engine. He then tells me that this is the first time he’s put an engine like that fully by himself. One week later (October 24) the car started having a constant coolant issue. This issue took more than 5 months of back to back trips to get sorted out. In which this is my only vehicle and I am a working father who takes care of a daughter and my fiancé who needs a vehicle to get to work. Sometimes he would keep the car for several weeks and even up to more than a month. A lot of the times when I would try to get a hold of him via text or calling he would either ignore or give me a date of when it would be ready and it would never be ready by then.
After that issue was resolved another one occurs. This time an air leak and a code for a Cam Intake issue that was related to the cam shaft. I messaged him about it (with a screenshot of the specific code on May 29th). I brought it in to him and he said he resolved it but the same code kept appearing. Come July the car now had a major oil leak. I contacted him again and specifically asked him if he could look at the same code that keeps coming up. He replied saying that he would “resolve it”. I take it back in to him and when I get it back the same exact code appears. I mention it to him and he completely ignores me and never replied back. I simply left it be and kept using the car.
Now I have been paying the $200/mo to him and have the payment documentation for it. I had skipped a month or two of payments because times got tough for a bit. I texted him apologizing for the lack of payment and that very same day sent him a payment and started getting back on track. He yet again ignores my message and doesn’t try to get a hold of me. He then sends me an invoice saying that the remaining balance had to be paid in full due due to past agreement time of $500/mo for 6 months. First off, that’s not the agreement we had and I tried contacting him about it and was blown off yet again.
I would like to state that every other time I would take the vehicle to him he never charged me because it was issues on his part. Now fast forward to recently, the same issue I had back in May that he said he fixed but never did ended up causing more problems to the vehicle. I finally got a hold of him and told him about it and he stated that the issue was because of that code. He stated that it would be a 2 hour job and I dropped the vehicle off to him last Wednesday and got picked up. 2 hours later I was never contacted and he ignored my texts, calls, and emails asking for an update. Then yesterday he says the vehicle would be done soon and sends me an invoice for $640 for the job. When I dropped the vehicle off he never gave me a quote or estimate before he did the repair.
I asked him about it and he stated that I “killed the engine due to lack of maintenance from low oil pressure”. I told him that the issue he fixed has been occurring since May and that I mentioned it to him multiple times as well as provided screenshots of me mentioning it to him. He then ignored what I said and said that I now had to pay the invoice for the agreement we had as well as the new invoice for the work he just done but never quoted me for or he wouldn’t release the vehicle to me. I explained my frustration with him about the constant issues. He then states “you shouldn’t have accepted a deal you couldn’t afford” and stops replying. The fact that he stated that to me when he was the one that was okay with the agreement really upset me. He never issued an official Lein notice to me, no paper work, nothing at all. I live in Arkansas and I was told that he would have to legally give me a written notice and that the time frame of him even being able to was too far gone. I also spoke to an ex-officer of 7 years who informed me that him doing this was going against Arkansas Statute of Criminal Mischief.
I plan to stop by the police department later today to file a report and show them all the messages and screenshots I have for evidence. But all in all I am wondering if there is any other advice I should be given on how to go about handling this.
submitted by Old_Guitar to legal [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 15:06 katsanoob Been going through a rough time and just want to know that I'm not alone in thinking that this was wrong.

I recently (2 months ago) broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years. I got out of that relationship with a lot of self hate, and self identity issues. It was very toxic and just over all terrible for my mental health and wellbeing but that's not what I'm here to talk about.
I recently reconnected with someone who was a friend, we'll call him Kyle. He had changed, was more understanding and overall just a nicer person than before. I wasn't the only one who saw this change so I trusted it and him. My mental health started to get worse, I started going down a slippery slope of depression, the same slope I had gone down hard once before. Having Kyle in my life again really helped. I don't have many close friends or friends in general, in fact there was only one other that I could speak to about anything relating to my mental health.
Kyle and I started having deeper and more meaningful conversations. As a result he learned a lot about my past and why I was the way I was, and vice versa. We got closer than we had been before and than I thought we ever would be. Kyle started driving up to my house to hang out with me, to get me away from myself and my usual surroundings. He had come to realize how important the change of scenery and the company of a good friend was to me. Naturally we started developing feelings for one another. I brought it up one night, but made it clear that in my current state I cannot be in a relationship, as I thought it would only be unfair to the person I am in a relationship with. Additionally, it would have a negative impact on my mental health, because instead of focusing on working through my own issues I would focus more on making sure I don't upset, worry or burden that person. He said that he understood why I felt that way, but he still wanted to be there for me, even as a friend, he made that very clear and reiterated on many occasions that that was still the case. I also checked in pretty often to make sure we were still on the same page and that no one felt like they were being strung along or being used. The last thing I wanted was to hurt him, so I made sure there was always give and take, even when it was hard for me to make the mental space to help with whatever he was going through. I always tried my best and I'm sure he did the same.
A week after we confessed our feelings we talked more in depth about it again and came to the conclusion that we shouldn't hang out for a little while. Kyle was starting to have stronger feelings and while I was too, I still knew that this was a choice I couldn't yet make. It was a hard decision to make since I wanted to spend time with him as much as possible because I liked the company and it meant I could get away from my everyday life. But it was one that had to be made in order for us to stay friends and not get hurt. We still talked in discord when playing games or if I called when I needed someone to talk to, but there were no physical interactions.
Kyle had been mentioning that he liked a girl from his work. I encouraged him to make the first move, and reassured him that he has nothing to be afraid of. I knew how much he wanted to have someone in his life and I wanted him to be happy. Sure it hurt to be encouraging him this way, but ultimately I knew I wanted him to be happier more than I wanted to spare my own feelings. One Tuesday, a week and a half ago, I called Kyle just to talk. I wasn't feeling my best and just wanted someone to talk to, as you do. I started asking him about his plans for the day, how he slept, if he's had breakfast yet and so on. I once again asked him about the girl from work, if he has any plans to make a move and told him that I want him to be happy. Eventually he started asking me to tell him something about myself since he had been talking about himself for a while. I was very reluctant to say anything but bit by bit he got it out of me. I confessed that I wasn't feeling good mentally whatsoever and that I felt severely suicidal. Explained that the feeling was overwhelming and that I felt like today was my last day. This wasn't the first time I brought up thoughts like this with him. I had told him about my previous attempts when I as younger. He knew that this was a reality for me and made it clear that he wanted for me to be happy and he he would do anything he could to help. I tried to brush it off towards the end of the call and said something along the lines of "Sorry, no one wants to be hearing something like that first thing in the morning". Knowing I had someone I could share those thoughts with soothed me just a little.
I've always found it very hard to open up to people and let them get close to me. My whole life people have come and go, no matter how much I tried to keep them around I always lost friends. I started to close myself off, convinced that I was the problem, I was not nice enough, I was rude, intimidating. Looking back I now know that is not the case. I still struggle with these thoughts but at least I know that I do try, I do care, and I really do try my best to be nice to the people I care about. I have always been judged on first impressions and pushed aside, that is why having people around me that saw past my outer most personality really made the world of difference to me, and why it was such a milestone for me to have someone who wanted to care about me and hear what I had to say, someone like Kyle.
That same Tuesday night, after I came home from work, I just wanted to be around friends. Do something to distract myself, because what was going on in my head was not something that I necessarily wanted to happen if I could help it. I asked Kyle who was playing a game with friends if I could join next, No response. When I saw him joining a new game I asked again. Got little to no response. I got upset, naturally I felt rejected in that moment, most likely due to my mental state at the time. He gave me an excuse and I told him to fuck off. Not the right response I know, but I was feeling a little fragile. I started drinking. Kyle knew I had plans to drink that night. I wanted a distraction. He messaged me a few hours later asking if that's what I was doing, I answered yes. He asked if how I was doing, said I'm fine initially, but then continued to make it clear that I was upset. He asked to call I was reluctant but then agreed.
In that call he asked me why I was upset, I explained that I just wanted to spend some time with everyone and that space could have been made. He went on to say that he felt like that was too much for him to take on as a friend, and that it was not a friends duty to do something like that. He said that the only way he feels like he could do that for me was if I was to date him and that that's what he needed for this to continue. I asked what he meant and explained that as a friend I have done similar things for people, especially when I know they're going through a rough time. That is simply what friends do. They're there for each other. Kyle was quick to disagree but after another second said "I guess, yeah", but still continued to tell me that he can't be there for me anymore unless we start dating, because he wants a girlfriend. Our friendship ended then and there.
I was shocked. I couldn't believe that someone I trusted so much let me down once again, when just that morning I had talked to this person about these very issues and tried my best to make sure I was there for him as much as he was there for me. It is important to note that Kyle knew about my previous experiences with abandonment, we had talked about all this in depth and he on multiple occasions told me how sorry he felt that that had happened to me more than once. Give and take was always important to me. I hate feeling like I'm using someone. I'd much rather feel used. When he brought up that he can't just be there for my issues and have that take up our entire relationship I asked him, "Was I not always making sure we're on the same page? Was I not always letting you speak about your issues and letting you know that I want to hear what you have to say? Did I not put my problems aside when you had problems, when you needed someone to listen to you and be there for you?". He agreed. That was not the issue. He told me that his happiness was more important than mine. And while there is nothing wrong with that, hearing that compared to the state I was in felt unfair and heartbreaking.
Since this whole ordeal I have receded back in to the old me, the me that was scared to let anyone get close. I don't want to trust. The thought of trusting and being shot down or abandoned terrifies me. For this reason I would rather be miserable and alone than have to face this kind of a situation again. I know with time things will improve, I will regain the confidence that I had. Each day is different, some are okay, I don't have overly negative thoughts or feelings, some are much worse. I wish to get help, currently however that is an expense I am not willing or truly able to afford. Having people around me that care really helps. But as I'm losing more and more of them it's becoming harder to convince myself that I'm worthy of that kind of support.
One of his friends made a joke that he thinks that if he posted this story and even let me write it that people would be on Kyle's side. I kind of laughed at the thought, but decided what the hell. I want to know maybe I did go wrong somewhere.
I don't know if anyone will be concerned, but rest assured I will be okay. I was before and I'm sure I will be this time too. I guess this time is just harder than the last.
TL;DR: Told a friend I was suicidal, he told me that he wants me to be his girlfriend, otherwise he's not willing to give me that kind of support.
Thank you for taking the time to read this <3
submitted by katsanoob to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 15:05 Missus_Raccoon Online relationships

So I started dating this guy around two months ago, we're both in our teens (16 & 17) and it's going great. I have really strong feelings for him and I'm pretty sure he has the same feelings, I love talking to him and every day with him is amazing.
There's only one problem, it's an online relationship. I hate it that our relationship is solely online, it makes me really upset. We play online most days, usually on GTA together and it's the best part of my day.
I'm completely head over heels for this guy, which some might think is stupid because we're so young, but I don't think about that. I feel like I'm too obsessed with him and not being able to see him makes it even worse.
Most of my close friends are online, my friends irl just don't like the same things as me and I find it really difficult to relate to them, and it's starting to take a toll on my current mental state, I don't feel like I belong anymore.
My boyfriend and online friends are the only people who make me feel really at home, but I can't see them. I love them all so much and it crushes me that I can't hang out with them beyond gaming and texting. It really sucks :(
submitted by Missus_Raccoon to Vent [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 14:24 IndyHall What do you tell people?

When I was discarded for the last time, my STBX went back to his home country, 5000 miles away. He'd been doing that for a while, the discard, run home, and come back thing, and the last time I was "NOPE. NO MORE." Okay, that's good, I've worked hard at recovering from the whole thing and the divorce is in progress.
Here's a thing that happens when possible dates ask me about my status. I tell them he's back in his home country and we're working through the divorce. In general, they're understanding about the separation part, I'm well into middle aged and a lot of people have been here.
So often, they'll say something like, "You really chased him off, huh?" Or "You must have been pretty awful to live with!" I know it's meant as a joke, but I've heard it enough times now that my good will towards strangers on this topic has worn very thin.
I want to respond with, "Actually, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time and when I no longer allowed him to take advantage of me, he threw me away. It was extremely painful and your saying it was my fault, even as a joke, is just the kind of thing he'd say." I've started being rather sarcastic instead, saying, "Yeah, right, *I* was the problem. Sure. THAT'S it."
What do you do in this situation? How do you talk to relative strangers/new friends about why you're single? I'd say it's not their business, but in dating, it kind of is. They don't get the full details, but those joke remarks sting every time.
submitted by IndyHall to NarcissisticAbuse [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 13:05 FewCranberry6287 Just had my first date in 5 years. I was a disaster.

So, I[26m] haven't been very lucky with tinder, until last week. I super liked this girl Kara[21f] (fictional name), and to my surprise, we matched. She was responding to my messages although herself admitted she was a bad texter and would often left me on read, which is not a problem for me.
So, I finally had the balls to ask if she wanted to meet up. She agreed, yay! Now, I wasn't going to slack on this opportunity, it was the first date I had in 5 years, I needed to work hard on it. First of all, I made a list of possible topics to talk about based on what I knew of her. She seemed to be a very active feminist. So, I read some Beauvoir to not be caught off guard if she asked my opinion on anything related. She also happened to be pursuing an art degree. I found out that there was the exhibit of this 70s post modern artist and got two tickets. Again, I kind of read a bit about him, so I could give my input if asked. And finally, she seemed to be very into holistic things (like tarot etc), so I found this coffee place that kind of fit into the theme that we could meet up.
The perfect date was set. We would meet for coffee, talk a bit and then head to the exhibit. If I got lucky, maybe a kiss at the end?
I met her at the door and we went inside. The place was very nicely decorated, so we spend some time looking at all the little sculptures and art pieces on the walls. Then, enters Dave (fictional name)
-Some of them are for sale if you interested. I'm also doing tarot reading today.
-We should totally get a reading, Kara said.
-Sure, seems interesting. (BIG MISTAKE)
We went to a table near by and the guy pulled the deck (if that is what is called). The guys procedes to do whatever and talking about her life choices and so on. He got personal, I could see the effect it had on her. She keep looking deeply at his eyes as he laid out what she could be struggling with emotionally. I felt kind of left out, to be honest. Time went by and they're still talking, about life, relationships etc. Now I'm really bothered by all of this. So I try break it off by saying.
-So, do you want to go to the exhibit? I think it will close in a hour or so.
She smiled, looked at Dave and said:
-Dude, you would totally love this exhibit. You should totally go with us.
And there you have it. She invited tall, handsome Dave to the exhibit. And he agreed. They kept talking the whole way there. At the door I pretended to take a phone call, and left saying that there was an emergency. She said that it was a bummer, but didn't seem very sad about it.
I went home and cried in the shower. I never felt so useless in my entire life. This dude just snatched my date away, and all I could do was watch it. I didn't had very high expectations for how the date would end, but holy shit.
Is there any way that I can avoid this kind of situation?
submitted by FewCranberry6287 to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 12:33 perklerps 11 second pause?

Hello everyone! I’ve seen a few posts on reddit and other forums about people experiencing the same issue but haven’t been able to find a resolution yet and am wondering if anyone else has.
I have a series 5 that I got less then three months ago and has worked perfectly until I updated it last week, now in every workout it’s pausing every 11 seconds.
-watch is snug and is on tattooed skin but hasn’t had a problem reading it until now, and I don’t wear clothes that cover it nor are my wrists bending back to touch the buttons accidentally.
-watch and iPhone are up to date on software.
-have spoken to support twice and done everything they’ve told me to do and they just want to take it away to service it.
I have an appointment booked to get it serviced at Apple next week but I’d just really like to fix it and not have to send it away and seeing as so many others have had the same problem hopefully someone has found a magic fix!
submitted by perklerps to AppleWatch [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 12:29 BabyinAjar My (22F) sister (25f) told me last night she had a suicide plan but didn't have a 'date' yet, how can I support her?

Bit of backstory, we're not fully 'sisters' (as in blood-related) but we subscribe to the idea of family being what you make of it rather than what you're born with. After my mother (58f) took her own life a few years back her mother (57f, my mothers best friend) unofficially adopted me into their family and they have been my support network ever since.
My sister and I are best friends, we've known each other since we were little but my mothers' death really brought us together. We both struggle with mental health problems and have been there for each other through all sorts (pregnancies, miscarriages, relationship problems, homelessness, etc) and I would like to think that we can tell each other anything.
She has 2 children under 5 and her partner is 10 years older than her, she loves them all dearly but I know she misses her chance to be 'young and free', so most nights after she has put the kids to bed and tidied we will game together and chat. She enjoys our time together and sometimes when we're chatting because we're distracted with whatever game we're playing sometimes things will slip out. In the past, she has mentioned stuff like depression and suicidal ideation. I've been through this myself so I would do what I would want (i know, not ideal but I'm not trained in this) and will gently chat with her about the topic with no judgement and try and gauge the specifics of how she is feeling and whether she is planning on acting on it.
I have been really busy these last few weeks, I have just started my dissertation, and have a million and one other duties and responsibilities to care for. I've not been online or as available as I normally would be.
My sister is very kind and will often not tell anyone if she is struggling (hence why I use our gaming time to see how she is), and she knows how important university and my work is to me so she will not ask me to chat if she thinks I am busy.
Yesterday I had a 'lazy day' and decided to spend the evening playing with her. When I texted her she seemed 'off' and when I asked what was up she told me she would tell me when she came online. We started playing and I jumped straight to the point and asked what was up, she seemed very embarrassed and told me that her partner had found a suicide note she had been drafting. I tried my hardest not to let my emotions get the better of me and I asked a few questions that I have been asked in the past by therapists and professionals (I asked if she had written them recently, did she intend for them to be suicide notes, did she have a plan, did she have a date, etc.)
She seemed really embarrassed about it and told me she did intend for them to be suicide notes and she had a plan but she did not have a specific date in mind yet. She told me she felt really alone and isolated and didn't know what to do. I stayed with her until 3 in the morning just chatting and gaming and at the end, I asked her how she was feeling and she said she felt better after talking to me. I said I would try and visit as soon as I could (I have literally no money at the moment so can't afford a ticket) and in the meantime, she was more than welcome to come and stay with me (not totally ideal as I live in a 1 bedroom flat but I said if she could get someone to look after the kids we could have a nice weekend.)
I feel as though I have a lot of 'to do' items on my list. I'm going to have a chat with her partner later on to try and walk through how he can best support her, I'm going to try and get some money for a ticket to go and see her, I'm going to try and get as much work out of the way as I can so I can be totally present with her when I do see her, I'm going to be online as much as I possibly can so she knows I'm there if she needs me, etc.
What else can I do kind folks of Reddit? I'm terrified as I feel as though I went through the exact same thing with my mother (having a care plan, making sure she was my priority, making sure she felt supported) and she still went through with it. We have already lost so many people this year due to a variety of reasons and if I lost my sister I genuinely don't know what I would do. I want to spill all of my feelings about how much she is loved and appreciated and how much I need her but I know that's not a productive way to do it and I don't want her to feel as though she needs to be happy for selfish reasons such as making me happy.
Has anyone been through this? Has anyone made it out the other end? How can I make my sister feel loved, supported and valued whilst also knowing that we understand, but keeping her safe?
submitted by BabyinAjar to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 12:21 RedPillWonder Dating older and age gap relationships

This post likely isn't for you.
But, if it is for you, then it might be one of the most important things you will read in the next few years, because it involves the second most important decision of your life.
And that is who you decide to marry one day.
In addition to being a Christian, having character and integrity, looks, interests, shared world views and more, one of the main things one looks for in a person they're considering dating is whether they are within an acceptable age range they've come up with.
Most of the time, that age range is within a year or two—or a few years at most—of one's age.
Often, family, friends and society at large say it's best to stay within this range, or at least reinforce the notion, and generally, I'd agree.
But is it best for everyone?
Is it best for you?
Let's take a look and discuss this.
First, a few points about the angle of this article:
  1. Its advice is geared toward the perspective of younger women dating older men.
  2. "Dating older" in this context is divided into three groupings.
6 to 15 years. 16 to 29 years age difference and 30+ years.
Most people don't blink an eye at a difference of five years or less. On the other end, there's the 30+ year age difference, which is extremely rare. So we'll be mainly talking about two in-between categories, 6 to 15 years and 16 to 29 years age differences.
  1. To use the 80/20 rule or Pareto principle, I'd say dating older is only best for about 20% of people and 80% of people are better off staying within a much smaller age difference, if any.
Moreover, as you increase in age difference for a couple, that 20% number gets smaller. For example, the 16 to 29 category is the “80/20 of the 80/20.”
So this advice is really only for a significantly smaller percentage of people to consider. But with hundreds of millions of people in the United States alone, we’re still talking about a lot of people who can (or currently do) fall into these categories.
With this said, let's look at the major reasons why most people oppose a big age difference and see if there's any substance to what they say.
 
He'll die long before you!
 
I have a friend who's had 3 heart attacks before he was 30.
Another who’s battled both cancer and heart attacks as a man in his prime years.
Add in car accidents that take the lives of many a young man, and you're not guaranteed a long life. Anything can happen.
Thankfully, accidents that take lives are rare, statistically speaking (although I wish it was far lower), and both of my friends are alive and doing well now. But either could have easily passed from this earth in their youth.
This is one reason why making a decision based mainly on age could cost you a great relationship, because youth doesn't guarantee protection from accidents, certain health risks, or any tragic happenings of life.
Does this mean you should find and date an older guy? Or date a much younger woman if you’re a man?
No. It does mean you shouldn't make it the determining factor, because you never know what may happen in life or how long either of you have.
 
Cultural references and interests. You have nothing in common!  
This one seems silly, as the same thing can apply to people the same age.
You can have a country girl who loves and prefers a certain lifestyle and a guy who's all about the city, and their interests and lifestyles may be world's apart.
It doesn't matter if they're the same age.
You can have one person who's into country music and the other loves alternative or heavy metal. One who's into art and another who knows nothing about it, nor desires to.
You can have someone who's an "old soul" and loves things from the 70's and 80's and finds it difficult to relate to guys her own age. One who's a sports fan and another who dislikes it and would rather have their head in a novel, or playing a video game.
There are all kinds of examples where, even at the same age, they don't know or understand (or care to) references and events and beliefs that flow from their interests and involvement in various things.
And, of course, you can find those with common interests and values, whether they're the same age or 10 or 20 or more years apart.
Where differences do occur, a lot depends on perspective. Do you look at any differences as opportunities to learn new things and grow, or as obstacles to overcome?
This will be true regardless of whether you're a year or twenty two years apart.
 
Health and fitness
 
This, to me, is the deciding factor. (All other things being equal, that is)
Is he going to be able to keep up?
Does he have the energy to be active with you? To continue to do things you both enjoy? To play with the kids (if you both want kids) and be in their life?
Is he committed to keeping his body in good shape and lives a healthy lifestyle?
You don't need a health nut or an extreme sports fanatic (perfectly good if he is) but you do want someone who's lifestyle is going to make it likely he lives a long, healthy life and can enjoy it with you.
The thing is, you can find examples of younger men who are overweight, lazy and lack drive, as well as fit men in their 40's and 50's who are ambitious, active and can run circles around men half their age.
For example, check out this guy at 53 years old. He has a better body than most men half his age. (And no, despite the colorful bow tie, he's not gay).
And yes, you can certainly find the opposite as well.
The question is, whether younger or older, is a man committed to health and wellness and willing to look after his body, so he can pursue his mission in life?
The odds are in the favor of youth, but some women shouldn't over look an older, fit man.
 
Sex and other fun stuff!
 
What's been surprising to me in recent years, is the number of dead bedroom stories of youthful men.
Whether it's lack of libido, or E.D. or some other issue, some young men are suffering from various bedroom problems.
To be clear, these are men who should be all over their wives, but aren't.
And I keep hearing stories of women who want it more than their husbands, and while the men may not have any particular health problem, they have a mismatched sex drive in comparison to their spouse.
Testosterone plays a huge role in this, but it's certainly not the only one.
And speaking of, there's the article from awhile back where the Buzzfeed boys (actually guys in their 20's) had their testosterone measured and 3 out of 4 were in the low to mid 200 ng/dL range, indicating low T.
Even the one who tested at 363 is still ridiculously low. This is sad, and in the range of an 80 year old man.
And yet these guys in their youth should all be at the higher end of the spectrum.
Which goes to show you, a younger woman can marry a man close to her age and still be dealing with sexual issues, low libido and more.
While an older man can have and maintain higher T levels and keep up with you in and out of the bedroom.
The odds, again, are very much in the favor of youth, but a lot depends on lifestyle, health, exercise and more.
 
Reasons why you want to date older or younger
 
You need to think through why you want or are attracted to someone with a large age gap.
If it’s a phase you’re going through, you’re in for trouble. If a woman wants a much older man for some shallow reason or an older man a younger woman for the same, and there’s no substance there to build on, you’re better off not considering this.
You’re dating a person, not a number.
And while “numbers” do correlate with things (maturity, wisdom, resources, etc for older men or beauty, fertility, etc for younger women), you need to know if you’re more hung up on age for the sake of age, or if there is a real foundation there to build on.
If you genuinely hit it off with the person you’re with, and there’s chemistry or a connection and shared interests and beliefs and more, then be open to it and see where it goes. I wouldn’t rule it out on age difference alone.
Let’s stop for a second and consider the elephant in the room in this section. When I mentioned “shallow” above, I bet many thought “money” for women or “looks” for men, as far as what each sex is after.
This is true no matter the age. Women do place a certain degree of emphasis on resources, as men do on a woman’s looks, and yes, there are exceptions where you find couples that don’t “fit” neatly into certain stereotypes or generalizations.
Speaking of stereotypes, you need to be willing to deal with…
Society’s standards and what friends and family say
You’re going to need tougher skin.
Because some people will frown or make faces or speak their mind about all kinds of things having to do with your relationship, some to your face and some behind your back.
It’s life.
Specifically, though, it’s your life. You get to decide.
Just know what you may be up against going in.
Can you handle what immediate family members say or do?
What colleagues or your church family might chime in about?
Because people will have opinions and very likely will share them with you, and depending on the age difference, it may not be pleasant.
And you know what?
Who cares?
I’m not being flippant. I mean, if you’re swayed by things like this, you probably shouldn’t be in any relationship.
If you are, it likely means you’re going to let your parents, siblings, church group, work colleagues and others have outsized influence on your life no matter who you date.
It’s just an age gap relationship will be magnified to a greater degree, but these underlying issues are still there.
With this said, do consider the counsel of godly people. God tells us “in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom.”
Weigh opinions, consider every angle, and make a decision that is right for you. That may be to forego any significant age gap while dating/marrying or it may be to pursue one, if you meet someone who is what you’re looking for, just much older or younger.
It may line up with what others think who you trust, and it may be you chart a path that is against what others have said.
 
God, prayer and open doors
 
This may seem like simple advice, but seek the Lord in every thing, most especially in who you choose to date and marry.
God can lead and guide you in your efforts if you seek Him in this matter.
While we often discount the Disney version of events for good reason, that doesn’t mean God doesn’t get involved in your search.
A simple question:
Do you think praying and asking God to intervene in any area of your life helps? Such as praying for healing? Or seeking a job? Or in making a life-changing decision in any area?
If yes, to whatever degree, then why wouldn’t it be the same with relationships?
The answer, of course, is it does help!
This does not mean you sit on your butt and God delivers a beautiful woman or handsome man to your doorstep because you prayed sincere prayers and cried alligator tears.
Obviously, we should become the best versions of ourselves we can be, be working for God and pursuing His kingdom, and if you’re so inclined, to be on the lookout for a great mate, with the requisite actions that reflect that desire!
But God can still be heavily involved.
God gives wisdom if you ask. And you’ll need it to navigate the various aspects of a relationship, in vetting, in setting and enforcing boundaries and much more.
God opens and closes doors.
In the Bible, God kept Paul from going into Asia at that time.
“And they went through the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been forbidden by the Holy Spirit to speak the word in Asia.” - Acts 16:6
Sometimes, God can lead you this way in potential relationships.
I could write a lengthy post on this one, but God can close (or open) doors in a relationship and this one I’ve experienced first hand.
With one woman I dated, no matter what we tried, one “door” after another after another was closed. Sometimes crazy stuff, finally to the point it was like “RPW, have you considered God doesn’t want you two together? How many ‘coincidences’ do you need?”
The same is true of open doors, and as you go through them, see what becomes available to you and how God leads.
To bring this back around to dating older, ask the Holy Spirit to give you a peace about things and if you should pursue a relationship, no matter the age difference, or if it’s a “no go” and something you shouldn’t pursue.
Speaking of God, let’s look at a few biblical couples.
 
Biblical examples of age gap relationships
 
One that comes to mind is Boaz and Ruth.
While we don’t know their exact age difference, it was likely significant.
“Then he (Boaz) said, "May you be blessed of the LORD…You have shown your last kindness to be better than the first by not going after young men, whether poor or rich. -Ruth 3:10
But let’s go back a bit further and pick up the story.
Keep in mind people married very, very young in those days, and God tells us in the book after her namesake, Ruth’s future mother in law, Naomi, had two sons:
“And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.” - Ruth 1:4
If Ruth and Orpah were about 15 or 16 (could be older or younger) when they married, and they dwelt in the land about ten years according to the Bible, then Ruth is in her mid twenties when her husband dies and she meets Boaz and marries him not long thereafter.
Boaz is likely much, much older according to many scholars. How much so is in doubt, but it’s not a stretch to say there’s a significant age gap between them. He could have been 20 or 30 years older or more.
Another example is Abraham and Sarah, which the bible tells us were 10 years apart in age.
““Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, ‘Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?’” - Genesis 17:17
Yet another is Joseph and Mary, who scholars think had a big difference in age.
While interesting, in the end, it doesn’t matter whether there are many examples of large, small or non-existent age gap relationships in the bible, what matters is compatibility on Christian beliefs and doctrine, actions that show evidence of that faith, shared interests and world views, character and personality traits, mutual attraction and more.
 
Outlooks, opinions and acceptability
 
As they say, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one haha
The truth is people will have very different comfort levels and often a sliding scale with those.
For example, some might think an 8 year age gap is too much for 27 year old dating an 19 year old, but would have no problem if a 48 year old dated a 40 year old.
Obviously it’s the same age gap, but very different outlook because of different factors.
You can have a late thirty something that never grew up so to speak, and an early twenty something that is very mature due to different life experiences and responsibilities.
You’ll also see more acceptability when you change geography. In eastern Europe, you can find far more women willing to date a lot older, and 10, 20 or 30 year age gap relationships can be found in higher percentages than say, in the United States.
So acceptability can vary, what you thought was uncommon might not be somewhere else or even to someone else.
You’ll likely find surprises every where you look, with some more accepting and others less so in your family or friend circle.
 
Final thoughts
 
If you meet someone who’s much older or younger, look beyond the “x” number of years between you and really consider if it’s a good match or not.
Weigh the pros and cons and think them through. Then do it again. This article is on the “certainly worth considering” side of the age gap argument, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues that need to be thought through and acted on.
Do so with clear eyes and move forward accordingly.
Date and see where it goes.
Use common sense. Vet well. Watch their actions. Pray.
This is true of any relationship with any age difference.
And while I’ve argued various points, I’ll say again, the odds are in the favor of youth for health and vitality. Whether those odds outweigh other considerations is for you to decide.
The vast majority of people will end up choosing someone fairly close to their age. You may be one of them.
And if you choose to date someone with a large age gap, do so with a confidence and peace that you’ve thought this through, and can give it your all, as you should with any relationship.
Cross posted fromhere
submitted by RedPillWonder to RPCWomen [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 12:15 RedPillWonder Dating older and age gap relationships

[Note: While the angle is toward women, this should be of benefit to men as well in considering an age gap relationship]
This post likely isn't for you.
But, if it is for you, then it might be one of the most important things you will read in the next few years, because it involves the second most important decision of your life.
And that is who you decide to marry one day.
In addition to being a Christian, having character and integrity, looks, interests, shared world views and more, one of the main things one looks for in a person they're considering dating is whether they are within an acceptable age range they've come up with.
Most of the time, that age range is within a year or two—or a few years at most—of one's age.
Often, family, friends and society at large say it's best to stay within this range, or at least reinforce the notion, and generally, I'd agree.
But is it best for everyone?
Is it best for you?
Let's take a look and discuss this.
First, a few points about the angle of this article:
  1. Its advice is geared toward the perspective of younger women dating older men.
  2. "Dating older" in this context is divided into three groupings.
6 to 15 years. 16 to 29 years age difference and 30+ years.
Most people don't blink an eye at a difference of five years or less. On the other end, there's the 30+ year age difference, which is extremely rare. So we'll be mainly talking about two in-between categories, 6 to 15 years and 16 to 29 years age differences.
  1. To use the 80/20 rule or Pareto principle, I'd say dating older is only best for about 20% of people and 80% of people are better off staying within a much smaller age difference, if any.
Moreover, as you increase in age difference for a couple, that 20% number gets smaller. For example, the 16 to 29 category is the “80/20 of the 80/20.”
So this advice is really only for a significantly smaller percentage of people to consider. But with hundreds of millions of people in the United States alone, we’re still talking about a lot of people who can (or currently do) fall into these categories.
With this said, let's look at the major reasons why most people oppose a big age difference and see if there's any substance to what they say.
 
He'll die long before you!
 
I have a friend who's had 3 heart attacks before he was 30.
Another who’s battled both cancer and heart attacks as a man in his prime years.
Add in car accidents that take the lives of many a young man, and you're not guaranteed a long life. Anything can happen.
Thankfully, accidents that take lives are rare, statistically speaking (although I wish it was far lower), and both of my friends are alive and doing well now. But either could have easily passed from this earth in their youth.
This is one reason why making a decision based mainly on age could cost you a great relationship, because youth doesn't guarantee protection from accidents, certain health risks, or any tragic happenings of life.
Does this mean you should find and date an older guy? Or date a much younger woman if you’re a man?
No. It does mean you shouldn't make it the determining factor, because you never know what may happen in life or how long either of you have.
 
Cultural references and interests. You have nothing in common!  
This one seems silly, as the same thing can apply to people the same age.
You can have a country girl who loves and prefers a certain lifestyle and a guy who's all about the city, and their interests and lifestyles may be world's apart.
It doesn't matter if they're the same age.
You can have one person who's into country music and the other loves alternative or heavy metal. One who's into art and another who knows nothing about it, nor desires to.
You can have someone who's an "old soul" and loves things from the 70's and 80's and finds it difficult to relate to guys her own age. One who's a sports fan and another who dislikes it and would rather have their head in a novel, or playing a video game.
There are all kinds of examples where, even at the same age, they don't know or understand (or care to) references and events and beliefs that flow from their interests and involvement in various things.
And, of course, you can find those with common interests and values, whether they're the same age or 10 or 20 or more years apart.
Where differences do occur, a lot depends on perspective. Do you look at any differences as opportunities to learn new things and grow, or as obstacles to overcome?
This will be true regardless of whether you're a year or twenty two years apart.
 
Health and fitness
 
This, to me, is the deciding factor. (All other things being equal, that is)
Is he going to be able to keep up?
Does he have the energy to be active with you? To continue to do things you both enjoy? To play with the kids (if you both want kids) and be in their life?
Is he committed to keeping his body in good shape and lives a healthy lifestyle?
You don't need a health nut or an extreme sports fanatic (perfectly good if he is) but you do want someone who's lifestyle is going to make it likely he lives a long, healthy life and can enjoy it with you.
The thing is, you can find examples of younger men who are overweight, lazy and lack drive, as well as fit men in their 40's and 50's who are ambitious, active and can run circles around men half their age.
For example, check out this guy at 53 years old. He has a better body than most men half his age. (And no, despite the colorful bow tie, he's not gay).
And yes, you can certainly find the opposite as well.
The question is, whether younger or older, is a man committed to health and wellness and willing to look after his body, so he can pursue his mission in life?
The odds are in the favor of youth, but some women shouldn't over look an older, fit man.
 
Sex and other fun stuff!
 
What's been surprising to me in recent years, is the number of dead bedroom stories of youthful men.
Whether it's lack of libido, or E.D. or some other issue, some young men are suffering from various bedroom problems.
To be clear, these are men who should be all over their wives, but aren't.
And I keep hearing stories of women who want it more than their husbands, and while the men may not have any particular health problem, they have a mismatched sex drive in comparison to their spouse.
Testosterone plays a huge role in this, but it's certainly not the only one.
And speaking of, there's the article from awhile back where the Buzzfeed boys (actually guys in their 20's) had their testosterone measured and 3 out of 4 were in the low to mid 200 ng/dL range, indicating low T.
Even the one who tested at 363 is still ridiculously low. This is sad, and in the range of an 80 year old man.
And yet these guys in their youth should all be at the higher end of the spectrum.
Which goes to show you, a younger woman can marry a man close to her age and still be dealing with sexual issues, low libido and more.
While an older man can have and maintain higher T levels and keep up with you in and out of the bedroom.
The odds, again, are very much in the favor of youth, but a lot depends on lifestyle, health, exercise and more.
 
Reasons why you want to date older or younger
 
You need to think through why you want or are attracted to someone with a large age gap.
If it’s a phase you’re going through, you’re in for trouble. If a woman wants a much older man for some shallow reason or an older man a younger woman for the same, and there’s no substance there to build on, you’re better off not considering this.
You’re dating a person, not a number.
And while “numbers” do correlate with things (maturity, wisdom, resources, etc for older men or beauty, fertility, etc for younger women), you need to know if you’re more hung up on age for the sake of age, or if there is a real foundation there to build on.
If you genuinely hit it off with the person you’re with, and there’s chemistry or a connection and shared interests and beliefs and more, then be open to it and see where it goes. I wouldn’t rule it out on age difference alone.
Let’s stop for a second and consider the elephant in the room in this section. When I mentioned “shallow” above, I bet many thought “money” for women or “looks” for men, as far as what each sex is after.
This is true no matter the age. Women do place a certain degree of emphasis on resources, as men do on a woman’s looks, and yes, there are exceptions where you find couples that don’t “fit” neatly into certain stereotypes or generalizations.
Speaking of stereotypes, you need to be willing to deal with…
Society’s standards and what friends and family say
You’re going to need tougher skin.
Because some people will frown or make faces or speak their mind about all kinds of things having to do with your relationship, some to your face and some behind your back.
It’s life.
Specifically, though, it’s your life. You get to decide.
Just know what you may be up against going in.
Can you handle what immediate family members say or do?
What colleagues or your church family might chime in about?
Because people will have opinions and very likely will share them with you, and depending on the age difference, it may not be pleasant.
And you know what?
Who cares?
I’m not being flippant. I mean, if you’re swayed by things like this, you probably shouldn’t be in any relationship.
If you are, it likely means you’re going to let your parents, siblings, church group, work colleagues and others have outsized influence on your life no matter who you date.
It’s just an age gap relationship will be magnified to a greater degree, but these underlying issues are still there.
With this said, do consider the counsel of godly people. God tells us “in the multitude of counselors there is wisdom.”
Weigh opinions, consider every angle, and make a decision that is right for you. That may be to forego any significant age gap while dating/marrying or it may be to pursue one, if you meet someone who is what you’re looking for, just much older or younger.
It may line up with what others think who you trust, and it may be you chart a path that is against what others have said.
 
God, prayer and open doors
 
This may seem like simple advice, but seek the Lord in every thing, most especially in who you choose to date and marry.
God can lead and guide you in your efforts if you seek Him in this matter.
While we often discount the Disney version of events for good reason, that doesn’t mean God doesn’t get involved in your search.
A simple question:
Do you think praying and asking God to intervene in any area of your life helps? Such as praying for healing? Or seeking a job? Or in making a life-changing decision in any area?
If yes, to whatever degree, then why wouldn’t it be the same with relationships?
The answer, of course, is it does help!
This does not mean you sit on your butt and God delivers a beautiful woman or handsome man to your doorstep because you prayed sincere prayers and cried alligator tears.
Obviously, we should become the best versions of ourselves we can be, be working for God and pursuing His kingdom, and if you’re so inclined, to be on the lookout for a great mate, with the requisite actions that reflect that desire!
But God can still be heavily involved.
God gives wisdom if you ask. And you’ll need it to navigate the various aspects of a relationship, in vetting, in setting and enforcing boundaries and much more.
God opens and closes doors.
In the Bible, God kept Paul from going into Asia at that time.
“And they went through the region of Phrygia and Galatia, having been forbidden by the Holy Spirit to speak the word in Asia.” - Acts 16:6
Sometimes, God can lead you this way in potential relationships.
I could write a lengthy post on this one, but God can close (or open) doors in a relationship and this one I’ve experienced first hand.
With one woman I dated, no matter what we tried, one “door” after another after another was closed. Sometimes crazy stuff, finally to the point it was like “RPW, have you considered God doesn’t want you two together? How many ‘coincidences’ do you need?”
The same is true of open doors, and as you go through them, see what becomes available to you and how God leads.
To bring this back around to dating older, ask the Holy Spirit to give you a peace about things and if you should pursue a relationship, no matter the age difference, or if it’s a “no go” and something you shouldn’t pursue.
Speaking of God, let’s look at a few biblical couples.
 
Biblical examples of age gap relationships
 
One that comes to mind is Boaz and Ruth.
While we don’t know their exact age difference, it was likely significant.
“Then he (Boaz) said, "May you be blessed of the LORD…You have shown your last kindness to be better than the first by not going after young men, whether poor or rich. -Ruth 3:10
But let’s go back a bit further and pick up the story.
Keep in mind people married very, very young in those days, and God tells us in the book after her namesake, Ruth’s future mother in law, Naomi, had two sons:
“And they took them wives of the women of Moab; the name of the one was Orpah, and the name of the other Ruth: and they dwelled there about ten years.” - Ruth 1:4
If Ruth and Orpah were about 15 or 16 (could be older or younger) when they married, and they dwelt in the land about ten years according to the Bible, then Ruth is in her mid twenties when her husband dies and she meets Boaz and marries him not long thereafter.
Boaz is likely much, much older according to many scholars. How much so is in doubt, but it’s not a stretch to say there’s a significant age gap between them. He could have been 20 or 30 years older or more.
Another example is Abraham and Sarah, which the bible tells us were 10 years apart in age.
““Abraham fell facedown; he laughed and said to himself, ‘Will a son be born to a man a hundred years old? Will Sarah bear a child at the age of ninety?’” - Genesis 17:17
Yet another is Joseph and Mary, who scholars think had a big difference in age.
While interesting, in the end, it doesn’t matter whether there are many examples of large, small or non-existent age gap relationships in the bible, what matters is compatibility on Christian beliefs and doctrine, actions that show evidence of that faith, shared interests and world views, character and personality traits, mutual attraction and more.
 
Outlooks, opinions and acceptability
 
As they say, opinions are like a**holes, everyone has one haha
The truth is people will have very different comfort levels and often a sliding scale with those.
For example, some might think an 8 year age gap is too much for 27 year old dating an 19 year old, but would have no problem if a 48 year old dated a 40 year old.
Obviously it’s the same age gap, but very different outlook because of different factors.
You can have a late thirty something that never grew up so to speak, and an early twenty something that is very mature due to different life experiences and responsibilities.
You’ll also see more acceptability when you change geography. In eastern Europe, you can find far more women willing to date a lot older, and 10, 20 or 30 year age gap relationships can be found in higher percentages than say, in the United States.
So acceptability can vary, what you thought was uncommon might not be somewhere else or even to someone else.
You’ll likely find surprises every where you look, with some more accepting and others less so in your family or friend circle.
 
Final thoughts
 
If you meet someone who’s much older or younger, look beyond the “x” number of years between you and really consider if it’s a good match or not.
Weigh the pros and cons and think them through. Then do it again. This article is on the “certainly worth considering” side of the age gap argument, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t issues that need to be thought through and acted on.
Do so with clear eyes and move forward accordingly.
Date and see where it goes.
Use common sense. Vet well. Watch their actions. Pray.
This is true of any relationship with any age difference.
And while I’ve argued various points, I’ll say again, the odds are in the favor of youth for health and vitality. Whether those odds outweigh other considerations is for you to decide.
The vast majority of people will end up choosing someone fairly close to their age. You may be one of them.
And if you choose to date someone with a large age gap, do so with a confidence and peace that you’ve thought this through, and can give it your all, as you should with any relationship.
Cross posted from: LoydWalker.com
submitted by RedPillWonder to RPChristians [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 11:16 SyntaxMissing 26M Can't Orgasm

Age: 26
Sex: M
Height: 6'2
Weight: 190lbs
Race: East-asian
Duration of complaint: As far as I can recall
Location: Penis? Brain?
Any existing relevant medical issues: Chronic treatment-resistant depression and generalized anxiety disorder (diagnosed 14 years ago, along with some other misc. mental health issues). Delayed ejaculation syndrome (self-"diagnosed").
Current medications: Wellbutrin 450mg/day, and Quetiapine 100mg/night
So my problem is that I can't orgasm (or if I orgasm, I'm not sure orgasms have to be pleasurable then?). This has been the case regardless of whether I've been on medication. There have been periods where I haven't been on medication for about 1-2 years of my life, and this problem existed even before I started taking medication (tried masturbating when other guys talked about it and I didn't understand the point). When I ejaculate, I don't experience pleasure at all (its not uncomfortable, but just no pleasure). It feels kind of "meh" - I would rank the experience as being nowhere near the top 20 experiences I have regularly (e.g. eating good food, clearing some client files, finishing an assignment, getting a back scratch, taking a hot shower, playing games, cuddling with my partner, listening to music). This is regardless of whether its masturbation, receiving oral sex, penetrating my partner, or having my prostate stimulated.
Related to this, is that I also seem to have delayed ejaculation syndrome (self-"diagnosed"). Regardless of the type of stimulation (even masturbation), it takes me ages to ejaculate. I don't masturbate because my arms get too tired and it takes too much out of my day. I usually need at least an hour, often quite a bit more, of constant stimulation to ejaculate.
I don't have issues maintaining an erection. My erections last kind of indefinitely, provided I receive regular stimulation. Refractory time is probably 20-30min? I also have low libido, and I think I'd be considered a demi-sexual? I have pretty much no desire to engage sexually with anyone I'm not emotionally quite intimate with already.
The inability to orgasm creates strain in my romantic relationships. I haven't been in many relationships (four, including this relationship), but I think I always end up dating women with much higher libidos than me (every one I've dated wants to have sex at least twice a day). Either I tell my partners that I can't orgasm, they seem fine with it initially, but after trying to figure out how to make me orgasm and failing -they over time seem to think its a result of me not being attracted to them or not enjoying sex with them (I actually do very much enjoy the intimacy and don't understand why orgasms have to indicate enjoyment of intimacy). Or I have to fake pleasure, and eventually the faking creates this emotional distance/isolation on my end. I'm in a newish relationship and I'd like to fix this now, and just hoping I can get some direction.
I suspect it has to be related to my mental health, but I'm not sure. I would see my GP, but she's not doing telehealth right now. And I believe I have a few underlying health conditions which means I'm trying to avoid leaving my place as much as possible. I'm hoping as the COVID numbers go down in my city (they've recently had big spikes), I'll be able to go to see my GP. I'm hoping someone on this subreddit might be able to give me some things to try or consider.
submitted by SyntaxMissing to AskDocs [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 11:11 c0mm1t I am not sure if I should trust her anymore

TL:DR;
The girl I really liked lied to me big time. I know problems on my side but she shouldn't have lied.
I [23M] know this girl [also 23] from my neighborhood since middle school when we studied in the same school. We started texting around when we were in junior high school, though I was in a different city for the school year. We met couple of times during summewinter breaks. I liked her very much and I guess she knew that at times. I knew through friends that she dates one of her cousins who is also somehow relative from my dad's side. She never accepted that she was dating, but I knew and it did not bother me that much because I thought maybe the guy was crazy that he believed it was a relationship (it is common where I live). I believed her for the first time when she was clearly lying, my I did not love her as much so the the lie did not hurt. Right after high school I moved to different country for college. We did not stop texting, occasionally saying hi and catching up all the time. I came to my country once every year and met up with her when I was there. After my second year I came back for winter break and met up with her and let her know what were my intentions, I wanted to be more than friends, I said I really liked her. She did not react at all, she did not say a word or gave me a chance to meet up or talk over the phone (she was very cautions with phone calls as she always wanted to text). I thought that was very disrespectful giving that we had a close bond and told the truth all the time and I tried to cut her off since I felt humiliated for letting my feeling and not getting any feedback. After my third year I came back and the whole pandemic hit and I needed to take a leave of absence as there were no way back to college. During lockdown I thought about why she never said a word or gave me a chance to express myself, and first big stupid step I took was reachin her out after I tried to cut her off. We hit it of again, as things were escalating back to normal I wanted to know the line, I asked her why she did react what I said previous year and she said we would not make a great couple. I understood that she saw me just as a friend but where we live girls do not meet with guys whom they are not interested in. But that made me like her even more giving that communication was good enough. We decided to meet up and we met at cafe and talked, it was great. I told her I still like her, and I knew she did too because she would not meet up with me. But it never came from her mouth. I told her I saw her as someone whom I wanted to end up with one day, she took that serious and said she would think about that. That happened this week on Monday, but on Wednesday I got a strange call from someone who claimed to be her boyfriend. I did not trust him because when I asked her whether she liked someone or had boyfriend she said no, that was when we met up on Monday. She met her boyfriend on Monday during the day, met with me in the evening. Her boyfriend suspected something as she did not want to meet with him in the evening. So her boyfriend stalked her on monday evening and found out about our meetup. She tried to convince him not to call me but he eventually did. I was pissed and heartbroken at the same time. Why did I deserve this? I called her that night, when her boyfriend called me to know what were my intions, she cried a lot, she said she was sorry. She said that was her worst fear realized. I complained why she never gave me a chance even though she said she did not like her boyfriend and broke it off that day. She said I was not decisive I was not clear enough for her to know my realy intentions, she said I brought this theme once. I told her that she always pushed me when I tried to talk about that and me being stupid, scared to loose her, stopped talking about my real feelings once she pushed me. It was a lot of lack of communication which I think she is responsible for most part. That was so embarrassing for her, she met her boyfriend that day which she said it was not going anywhere and there was no way of ending up together for them. After that she met with me, she knew what I was gonna talk about, knowing my feelings and having hers as well. I was lied to my face when I asked her whether she had a boyfriend. What hurt the most was she tried to cover up by trying to convince her boyfriend not to say a word to me, I guess she was also scared to loose me as a safety net. Now, problems on my side were I was not dicisive with my intentions according to her, I was not paying enough attention to her. Even after all that I still want to trust her, maybe that is because I really really love her and if I don't trust then it means everythin is over and I would not get a chance to date her after all those year. She said she would understand if I will never give her a chance but she wanted me to forgive her. I feel empty, I feel betrayed. But I am trying to see the matter from her perspective, she met up with me, we never established a bf/gf bond so that was understandable even though she had boyfriend. But then if she saw me as a friend why did she lie to me. I don't know if I should trust her again. Till now, I have not met someone I liked to talk to that much, I liked having their presence. I am afraid will I ever get to meet one like that in the future, if it happens then it is good if not then life is gonna suck until my last breath. My friends suggest I am way better off without her, but they really don't know how much I love her. Even though I had 2 girlfriends in college I did not like them as much as my special friend. What should I do? I am stuck at such small problems. Sorry for long post and bad english.
submitted by c0mm1t to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 10:28 BlueDaisy62 Am I The Asshole Roommate? (My roommate from hell) (Grab some snackkies this is kinda long)

Back in July of 2019 I started a new job. I was in a long term 4 year relationship, and living with his mom (we had our own house but moved in with his mom to 1)save money to buy a house but 2) his dad and little sister needed a place to live so we let them have that place)
when I started this new job i met a group of people who basically helped me realize how toxic of a relationship I was in and the potential happiness I could have else wise. I also met another guy who, in all honesty, I fell in love with.
No I didn't cheat or anything, but I knew for a long time that I wasn't in love with the high-school sweetheart and that there were so many warning signs that I should have left sooner (he constantly screamed at me and made me feel worthless, I felt like I was there just for him to say he had a girlfriend and have sex, he gamed 24/7 and constantly chose his games over hanging out with me or even taking care of his health)
these friends (let's call them friend A and friend B) gave me what I needed most in that time: a place to stay if I broke up with him.
I took that opportunity and broke it off, staying at their place for a day and then deciding with them the next day that I would sublet from them, splitting ret and utilities 5 ways. (It was a three bedroom house, and it was friend As sister and her that lived there, but her mom eventually moved in and for some reason friend A and friend B decided even though they were not living there , they would continue to pay 2/5 of rent to try to help out their family.)
I had 4 dogs and 3 guinea pigs with my ex. I only took the two dogs that were technically mine.
Moving in i didn't have a bed or any furniture besides my desk pc and TV, they allowed me to use their bed. The people in the house didn't particularly like dogs either so they would be stuck in my room 24/7 unless I took them out for walks. ( the back yard was occupied by friend As dog and wasn't dog friendly so I couldn't put my pups out there) I work 12 hour night shifts 3-4 days a week.
Anyways, because it wasn't my bed and the housemates didn't like dogs, I ultimately had to crate my pups 24/7 except for 2 walks a day (one before I left for work one after I got home.) This was an extremely stressful situation for the dogs and ultimately they started having explosive and bloody diarrhea 2-3 times a day.
The only solution I could think of at the time was to keep them in the bathroom some days so that I didn't have to keep steam cleaning the carpet around the crate as well as easier clean up (the bathroom was tile) and not having to get even more shit on the carpet having to take them to the bathtub. (I have a bordercollie and a jack chi)
This living situation was pretty shit and was even worse for friend As mom who had to share a bathroom with me and would often express how upset she was about the dogs being in there. I made a decision in January 2020 to try to find better living arrangements, as nice as it was having lower rent costs.
Which brings me to the actual "Am I the shit roomate?" Story.
There was another coworker who I ultimately befriended. Looking back it was a fairly toxic friendship. I made a few bad jokes/said things that she took out of context and we joked about, but then she would introduce me to new coworkers like that: " oh hey! Have you met (me) yet? Yeah she called me a *****" it eventually got to the point where people i hadn't even met would say oh right! You're the one who said "xyz"
Anyhow, I had vented alot of my frustrations to her about my ex and current living situation. we became, in her mind, best friends; and in a way I just accepted that. Though I don't think I ever felt as strongly connected to her as she did to me. I was really more interested in being best friends with Friend A because they had helped me so much and I was so grateful, but I appreciated this coworker and trusted her (well just call her roomie for the sake of later)
Roomie was new here and moved from Guam to live with her sister about 2 years back. During DecembeJanuary she started fighting with said sister and was looking for a place to move to.
I originally denied the idea because I was content with living at Friend A and Friend Bs place, however when the dogs conditions started to degrade I knew I needed to find a new place asap, so I ultimately said sure, let's find a place together.
We found a nice 2 bed 2 bath apartment, 3rd floor. My only condition with living with her was that the dogs were allowed to be out and about and not locked in the cage. She agreed 100%. We moved in end of February 2020 signing a 14 month lease.
For the first few weeks I kept the dogs caged while I was at work because they were having issues pooping and peeing on the carpet. I invested in one of those porch potties so that they could just go out and do their business on the porch instead of having to hold it for 12 hours and three flights of stairs. (This would ultimately become a problem)
Move in costs were a bit higher than I had excepted and I hadn't exactly been planning on moving out so soon so I only had maybe 2 weeks worth of paychecks saved and my tax return. I used all of it on downpayment and first months rent and still ended up owing her around 600$ which she said was fine and to just pay her back when I could, but not to worry.
We moved in and the first... I'm going to say 2 weeks, were okay. We didn't have any furniture but I did have a lot of kitchen stuff from when I used to live with my ex, so we bought bean bags and used those for a bit. Eventually within those two weeks we went to the store together and found a papasan chair that we both liked, I ended up buying it. We also found a nice little TV stand, I also bought.
About a month in is when COVID 19 lock downs started to get really serious in our state. The guy that I had fallen in love with before when I was with my ex? Me and him started dating about a week after that break up (thats a whole other story tbh) so at this point we where together for about 4 months.
Originally he had been coming over in the first week or two and then leaving to go home, were he lived with his grandparents, after I fell asleep. He didn't have a key so roomie got mad when the door was left unlocked all night.
And here is our first issue.
Me, I thought okay well I guess let's get him a key? So I went and made a spare and was honestly kind of nervous because this would be a big step in our relationship, so I told roomie on the way to work that I had made a spare and was thinking about giving it to my bf.
She flipped out and said I had gone behind her back and that I should have talked to her about it, but ultimately that yeah it was fine to give him the key. I waited a week to give it to him after that.
About a week after that is when COVID really kicked in and to make a long story short, he asked if he could temporarily move in with me because his grandparents where high risk. I said of course, and we brought it up to roomie.
She was upset at first (honestly I don't remeber why) but said yeah it was fine and she thought it was really sweet that he was looking out for his grandparents.
Let me go back real quick and fill yall in on one or two other back storys that I promise will make sense and this whole thing will come full circle.
Roomie and the bf are no strangers. We are all coworkers, tho bf does work in a different department (he also gets payed more which will come into play later) and we all would go out drinking and partying together.
In January, we threw a group bday party because we had so many friends with January bdays including, me and the bf. To make a long story short, it was a weird time of our relationship. We were technically "open" and we got very drunk that night. Leading to a 5 way make out session between me, roomie, bf, friend A and friend B.
(We had also joked quite often with friend A and friend B about orgies etc) when the party started dying down (this was when I lived at friend As house and the party was held there) me and bf headed back to my room. We came back out and invited roomie in if she wanted (wink winks included) and instead got her and another guy.
To skip the details. Basically the guy was not welcome but we were too drunk to really say or realize how uncomfortable we were with the situation. And ultimately the next day after discussing it, both me, bf, and roomie were very uncomfortable with the whole situation and bf honestly felt as tho he'd been violated if not raped
This night would also prove to cause more than one issue. But basically you can see now that roomie, me and bf all knew eachother fairly well and it wasn't like I was just letting a random guy move in.
Back to the roomie situation. We agreed when he moved in that because he would be sharing a room with me he wouldn't pay rent and instead would buy all the groceries. (Which would usually be around 2-300$ a week in all honesty but would eventually calm down to about 300 every two weeks unless we ate something special)
We very soon found that me and roomie had very different living styles. I didn't mind if dishes were left for a day or two or if the house was a little messy as long as it got cleaned on the weekends.
She however likes things spotless and always clean. She did express this once or twice, saying hey just make sure ur cleaning it up within the day. So I said okay and did just that. Then it went on to hey can you make sure they are cleaned up right after you are done. So I said sure, and did that.
Then months pass and she kept getting more and more bitter toward us and more angry, stomping around the apartment and completely avoiding us. Within these months a few other things happened.
One, I got very drunk, black out drunk, with her and bf one night and accidently told bf roomie had been fucking someone (she had just told him she sucked him off so my drunk mind was like oh shes being open about it I can talk about her and her fuck buddy in front of him now) then later that same night, I called her boy toy and told him he should fuck her basically.
I was drunk out of my mind, and he realized that. However she appearently did not. I truly barely remember the actual events of that call.
What I do remeber is that i was so so happy with my bf and that I thought the boy toy could be that to her and just wanted her to feel the way I did. I thought she was holding herself back.
Obviously I went about it in the compete wrong way and in her words made her feel like a hoe and that she couldn't get someone without being whored out. I apologized profusely and constantly but I don't think she ever actually forgave me.
During the beginning weeks of us moving in she had also invited me out to drink and go bar hopping and the group of friends we had, invited me to a housewarming party, however I was so tired of drinking and partying and was dead broke and still owed her $600 and it was also around the time bf had gotten violated and was therefore distancing himself from the group, so i said no. i didnt want to go out.
She begged me and often asked why bf didn't want to hang out too and I eventually told her its because he's trying to distance and doesn't want to be around the group rn, and that I personally just didn't want to go out. I wanted to stay in with the dogs. She offered to buy me drinks etc and I just didn't want to. I was tired and just wanted to relax. (Again I promise this plays in)
Jumping back to living in the apt with roomie, when covid seemed to be letting up we decided to have a small get together to catch up and celebrate missed bdays. Immediately after inviting, Friend A (who I used to be closest with) just said No. It was really weird and kinda abrasive and my first clue that something was wrong.
So I said okay what if we do another date, most people agreed and we ended up having it the day before the original day.
For this party let me add that roomie didn't offer to help clean before or after, or even offer to buy any of the party supplies or food or even just 20$.
In fact she did the exact opposite and asked us to by specific stuff so she could try certain shots and if we could buy a beer pong table. We couldn't afford the beer pong but we did our best and got 2 cheap tables from ikea instead.
She would later confess that when we asked her if the original date of the party was a good date, that she lied and said yeah when she knew 100% that it wasn't and that they had already had another party planned. But that "we ended up having back to back partys and both were successful so it worked out" (we were not told or invited or even aware of the other party. And at that time we didn't even realize we were appearantly on bad terms with everyone?)
There was also the time where she came home high asf (which she did often tbh). Me and bf were sitting on the couch watching TV and she comes in and starts asking us questions.
Basically all I really remember from that is having this conversation: she was pissed off because I had told friend A and friend B what had happened the night of the January bdays, and that we had made her feel bad for telling her best friend (which btw, just happened to be bfs boss.)
(To this day she doesn't understand why telling bfs boss that her, me, bf, and another coworker directly in bfs area, that bf felt he'd gotten raped, was a BAD idea and something we didn't want)
but at the same time she kept saying she wasn't mad and actually glad she had someone to talk to about it all now an that she just didn't understand why she couldn't tell her BFF (bfs boss)
Then there was a singular moment where I said something like "well when we were friends" or something that implied we arnt friends with the coworker friend group anymore i guess, she said "Oooooohhh so your not friends with them anymore??"
And I was like no that's not what I said. I just mean we havnt hung out for a while or talked because of the whole covid thing. And she kinda just took that whole "oh you're not friends any more hmm?" And questioned more and then went back in her room leaving me heated asf.
Fast forward maybe 4 months or so, and finally we have the outburst.
She sends this extremely long text about how we need to keep the house cleaner and wipe everything down after cooking more and that she thinks bf should pay rent and be put on the lease.
That's shes been forced to keep stuff in her own closet because the pantry is too full and that we need to keep the fridge more organized so she can put stuff in there.
That she didn't feel comfortable being out in the common areas because it was practically our place and because we occasionally would walk around "half naked" and that she felt like she was walking on egg shells and had anxiety about being out in the common areas. (Ditto)
and that she wanted documentation stating that the porch stains were my fault and that she had nothing to do with them
(that relates back to the fact that I had invested in the porch potty, and while the dogs would poop on it, they often would pee on the door or barriers instead and since we lived on the 3rd floor when they peed on the barriers it once accidently got down to the neighbors porch which we immediately where like omg im so sorry and started just walking them more, but the stains from them peeing next to the door were there since I hadn't gotten around to cleaning it (it was like a 105 degree summer and honestly just didn't cross my mind all that often once we started walking them) )
Originally bf was just going to move out. I didn't want him on the lease especially if it were to extend our stay, but we understood from a legal stand point she was probably right.
I also didn't agree with him paying rent. Or at least not the full 3 way split. She has the master bedroom with a private bathroom, walk in closet and other storage/pantry closet.
We share the smaller bedroom with a extremely small closet and do have our own bathroom however its far from private.
Yes she claims that if she has guests over they would use her bathroom but at the same time even if the stuff we keep in the bathroom is private, its not the same.
For example the times shes caught us "half naked" around the house look like this: bf with a robe on or pants and no shirt, me with a big shirt on and underwear. Once maybe with a blanket or towel around myself trying to get to the bathroom to clean up after sex.
And honestly I didn't see the problem with it with her given our history and that she's pretty much seen us both naked multiple times.
When she sent that text, I told her give us a few days to figure out our options. (Because bf wanted to move out) and she got pissed saying that it was always on my schedual and things always revolve around when I want to do things. I just didn't want to make any rash decisions and was trying to stay calm.
I'd never realized how upset she was at us because everytime we'd ask her if she was okay or whats up she said "its good" or "its fine" in a sing-song voice. I knew there was tension and I knew she was upset but not about what.
She was also the one who decided to stop using the groceries bf bought, which was his "rent" we often bought in bulk, causing the fridge and pantry to be pretty full, and the fee times we bought her specific stuff we knew she liked she didn't eat them and went to waste.
We would ask her what she wanted from the grocery store and she's say nothing. The only time we ever got upset (but never told her tbh) was that we used to also cook for her aswell, which was fine. But we made a really expensive dinner for our 6 month anniversary and she ended up eating all of it without even asking.
She also told me she thought I was jealous of her and that I thought she wanted my bf because whenever she was in the kitchen alone with him, id be in there too.
Honestly I laughed and told her God no, I didn't even realize I was doing that and that it was probably because 1)me and bf had just had a huge fight and I was being clingy in general and 2) I had hella anxiety when she was in there because I knew we had just cooked and were in the middle of eating and hadn't cleaned them yet, and I didn't want to put that all on him or have her chew him out.
Anyhow, i finally responded to her long text and told her I agreed with pretty much everything, that we would do better to leave her space and clean up and that all we asked of her was that she didn't use metal on our pots and was careful not to put rustable things in the dishwasher since we'd been having that problem with things like the can opener, certain knifes and baking sheets.
Also that I would clean the porch but not write her a note since there is a 500$ non refundable pet deposited anyhow and when the time came I would take ownership, plus the dogs are in my name.
I did tell her that we would agree to do a 40 30 30 split on rent, even 3 way on utilities, as we thought that was fair since she had the master and we shared a room. She didn't like that at all and said we should pay more because we used the common areas more and she didn't feel comfortable using them.
She proposed a 40 40 20, then realized that was the same as 40 30 30 (which its not really, we arnt joint income) and instead said she'd only agree to a 35 35 30.
I hated it i didn't even agree with the 40 30 30, I wanted to do a 45 27.5 27.5 (because according to online rent calculators that was considered fair given the living situation). But bf said he'd rather just take the loss and have us pay the extra x amount if it'll get her to leave us alone. So we agreed to that.
Real quick let me explain the furniture and why she perhaps feels like it's mostly our apartment. In the beginning we were constantly talking about how we wanted to furnish and design ideas.
We knew it would take a while but it was fun to plan. When we moved in, like I said, I owed her $600. I would still ask her if she liked this or that and she started to say "what, did you win the lottery" or "are you planning on winning the lottery?" In a smart ass kinda hostile tone. And I was like no I'm just curious if you liked this style that way when we can or if we find something on sale we don't just buy stuff the other person hates.
She proceeded to constantly ask me if I had gotten the 3k that my ex owed me (honestly even b4 we moved in together she constantly asked me if I got it) and when the stimulus checks got release would ask me about that too. Then started demanding I pay her back as soon as it seemed like I was in any way financially stable. I wasn't.
I was trying to balance making sure I had enough for rent and food and dog bills as well as trying to save to furnish the house a little bit (it was obvious she wasn't going to), and considering she said to take as long as I needed to pay her back I thought she would appreciate the fact I wanted to buy furniture and make it nice.
I ended up over draftng my account to pay her back but she was pissed because I took put the 14 months of renters insurance (like 8 or 9$ a month each) so that we didn't have to deal with it later and she decided to be petty and tell me I owed her back taxes for the last 3 months rent because she payed it (it was like 40$).
I ultimately furnished all of the common areas, bought us a couch a coffee table a bookshelf a giant gate so the dogs no longer had access to the carpeted area, everything. And I never ever once told her she couldn't use it.
In fact I often encouraged it and she'd claim she just preferred being in her room.
In that text she had also mentioned that the dogs had the whole dining area to themselves so that also made her uncomfortable (she also mentioned in person that my little dog should be in his cage all day because he peed on her door) keep in mind that I have fairly well behaved dogs and I pay a $60 pet rent everyone for them.
They don't bark unless there is someone at the door or kids running and screaming right outside it. We even sent the border collie to a board and train program to polish up his obedience and is CGC certified.
They don't chew. The worst they've done is had accidents in the house because they were either sick or I slept in and forgot to take them out.
Pretty much after that things were okay. We weren't friends and we weren't talking to eachother but we were civil.
Btw huge side note, she had admitted to venting to all our mutual friends and that she basically told them we were shit. Those friends no longer talk to us and avoid us like the plague when they see us at work.
One has even gone as far to tell a new coworker that he hates me. (I over heard him say it). Basically, that whole friend group that saved me from a toxic relationship and here the greatest? Disappeared without even questioning it or telling us what we did to upset them.
Anyways. Like I said things were okay for a month or 2, minus the fact that she had "stolen" all my friends. But I figure fuck it, they obviously didn't care enough about me to even ask for the other side of the story. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though.
There was some aggravating parts. Remarks on her side concerning my personal life that I thought where inappropriately given our current state of things.
In that time we only really had one issue with her, and it was that she had ordered food on a work day and the delivery service knocked, causing the dogs to bark and us to get up, get fully dressed, and then try to go back to bed with only 1-2 hours left before we actually had to be up.
we told her when we woke up, hey please if u order on a work night just make sure they don't knock or that you ask them not to knock.
She said she told them to leave it at the door. She didn't know why they knocked. I told her you had to put in the notes to not knock, to which she responded that she felt like she was being attacked and that she did. I told her not trying to lecture or attack. Just tired and wanted to make sure that you had, that we understand its out of her control after that.
She then went on to say that we made noise on the weekends and were super loud when we were happy/drunk/being goofy, and i basically told her that she can make all the noise she wants on the weekends because we can sleep in, and that if she had an issue with how loud we are ever, to tell us.
She continued to say that she felt like things were delicate and that we were all trying too hard to act a way that used to come so naturally between us.
I told her I wasn't acting and I was just being me. That if my ignoring her at work and not asking her about her day bugged her im sorry but I'm not going to make small talk and that I didn't see the point in trying to small talk with someone who has clearly shown they no longer want to be friends. That she should just be herself and don't pretend or force something if it makes her uncomfortable, otherwise things will always be delicate..
She then switched her whole attitude saying that "i thought YOU said we weren't friends anymore" and that she was just being courteous and she's never been fake. And that since we arnt friends any more she has infinitely more patience for friends and therefore for none with us.
Which brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday was her last day of the current position she was in and was taking off x amount of time till she started her new position.
It also just happened that I had bought a Furbo the day before to help aid with my dogs training and to keep an eye on them while I was at work. It came and I told roomie about it and she said it was really cool and seemed really excited and interested about it. I then set it up.
The next day when we went to work, she stayed home because she would be starting a new position soon. She ended up texting that she didn't feel comfortable with it and because of body issues she would be turning it towards the wall and that me setting up the camera felt like when I had given bf the key without consulting her.
To which I reminded her that I had told her, I had only made it without telling her; that I would have made the key anyways in case one of us lost ours.
Likewise i told her I didn't feel the need to inform her about buying the Furbo because I would have bought it whether or not she agreed to put it up (it was on sale) further I told her I didn't install it till she gave me the okay at which point she said she never agreed, just said It was cool.
(She said it was awesome and "pretty dope" and had like 2 questions about it (the scope as well as how long it has been up, which like I told her it wasn't up until she said it was awesome) )
I stupidly decided to argue and get upset. She definitely caught me at a bad time. But basically I told her I understand why she wants to turn in away but that I was upset she said it was okay to put up and then the next day she wasn't okay with it. And that though I don't think she would but I couldn't help but have mama bear instincts kick in and think what if she wants to turn the camera away because she's hurting the dogs.
She's definitely expressed enough disdain for them and hates me and is mad at me enough.
She took that comment and ran with it. Saying she'd move out and that we made her feel like an ogre constantly and that she can never do anything right, that now she knows how I really see her. I told her to look at if from my perspective.
That she turned all my friends against me and was constantly complaining about things in the house and really that the biggest problem has come from her not saying her feelings and complaints for 4 months and holding it all in.
That I constantly felt anxiety talking to her and am constantly worried " great whats roomie upset about now"
That the one time we actually called her put for doing something we don't like (the door knocking while we where sleeping for work) she didn't just say sorry, i did put don't knock, but instead played the victim and said we were attacking and lecturing her..
She completely disagreed that she turned everyone against us and we had a whole argument about that. Ultimately she said she would stay quiet and stop bugging and that she wouldn't cause any more stress till April that we could keep the camera up and that she'd stay out of my way as much as possible.
That "people change..."
I ended it with no, I don't think we changed i think we just finally saw eachother for their flaws. I took the camera down as soon as I got home from work that night
Then this morning I woke up to
"Just noticed u wrote this but you're right after comparing my situation with those of Friend As mom, ur ex, his mother, and everyone else, I finally see u for who u truly are. U may not have changed but I have. Situations like this are supposed to do that in my opinion, force one to reflect, adapt, and grow."
I havnt responded.
In my opinion she has no right to compare herself. My ex and his mom were obviously pissed when I moved out because I dumped her son.
I had no issues living with them otherwise. Friend As mom, I understand her being upset because she didn't like dogs and my dogs made a mess because they were stressed, I did my best and it wasn't enough. I don't know what else I could have done and thats why i moved out asap.
She has been the absolute worst room mate and friend and I feel this could have all been solved if she just communicated better.
She's 31 years old. I'm 22.
Youd think at some point you learn to be the bigger person and grow up, like we have honestly so many times just to get her to shut up. I've asked her what I can do to make her more comfortable and she doesn't answer.
Truthfully I've given in to every request shes had, and I don't understand what I personally did to make her feel so much anxiety around me. It's her own fault for holding it in instead of just saying it.
There are countless things I did to try to make her happy and things she did that made me mad and that I just never said anything about (eating certain meals that were clearly ours, never taking out the trash and letting it overflow, only cleaning when she was pissed off at us after we had already cleaned, using the dishwasher as a drying rack
(we specifically bought her a dryer rack so she would stop doing this and she still does it. Whats even more infuriating is that she will open a clean dishwasher, not unload it, and then put her dishes in there to dry. Overlapping so it won't even dry well)
putting a lock on her door and locking it every time she leaves (honestly thats only infuriating because she did it before we even had huge fights and just shows how much she really trusted us) and honestly the list goes on.
The few times the dogs had accidents in the house, she would get home before us and send us a picture and I would just text back thanks well see it when we get there and clean it up. I could go on and on. And we never call her out on any of this because if we donwe are attacking her.)
I truely feel I'm being fairly nice and trying to see it from her perspective as much as possible. I realize I havnt been great but I just... aghh
Am I the asshole??? D:
submitted by BlueDaisy62 to badroommates [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 10:22 BlueDaisy62 Am I The Asshole? (My Roomate From Hell) (Grab some snackkies this is kinda long)

Back in July of 2019 I started a new job. I was in a long term 4 year relationship, and living with his mom (we had our own house but moved in with his mom to 1)save money to buy a house but 2) his dad and little sister needed a place to live so we let them have that place)
when I started this new job i met a group of people who basically helped me realize how toxic of a relationship I was in and the potential happiness I could have else wise. I also met another guy who, in all honesty, I fell in love with.
No I didn't cheat or anything, but I knew for a long time that I wasn't in love with the high-school sweetheart and that there were so many warning signs that I should have left sooner (he constantly screamed at me and made me feel worthless, I felt like I was there just for him to say he had a girlfriend and have sex, he gamed 24/7 and constantly chose his games over hanging out with me or even taking care of his health)
these friends (let's call them friend A and friend B) gave me what I needed most in that time: a place to stay if I broke up with him.
I took that opportunity and broke it off, staying at their place for a day and then deciding with them the next day that I would sublet from them, splitting ret and utilities 5 ways. (It was a three bedroom house, and it was friend As sister and her that lived there, but her mom eventually moved in and for some reason friend A and friend B decided even though they were not living there , they would continue to pay 2/5 of rent to try to help out their family.)
I had 4 dogs and 3 guinea pigs with my ex. I only took the two dogs that were technically mine.
Moving in i didn't have a bed or any furniture besides my desk pc and TV, they allowed me to use their bed. The people in the house didn't particularly like dogs either so they would be stuck in my room 24/7 unless I took them out for walks. ( the back yard was occupied by friend As dog and wasn't dog friendly so I couldn't put my pups out there) I work 12 hour night shifts 3-4 days a week.
Anyways, because it wasn't my bed and the housemates didn't like dogs, I ultimately had to crate my pups 24/7 except for 2 walks a day (one before I left for work one after I got home.) This was an extremely stressful situation for the dogs and ultimately they started having explosive and bloody diarrhea 2-3 times a day.
The only solution I could think of at the time was to keep them in the bathroom some days so that I didn't have to keep steam cleaning the carpet around the crate as well as easier clean up (the bathroom was tile) and not having to get even more shit on the carpet having to take them to the bathtub. (I have a bordercollie and a jack chi)
This living situation was pretty shit and was even worse for friend As mom who had to share a bathroom with me and would often express how upset she was about the dogs being in there. I made a decision in January 2020 to try to find better living arrangements, as nice as it was having lower rent costs.
Which brings me to the actual "Am I the shit roomate?" Story.
There was another coworker who I ultimately befriended. Looking back it was a fairly toxic friendship. I made a few bad jokes/said things that she took out of context and we joked about, but then she would introduce me to new coworkers like that: " oh hey! Have you met (me) yet? Yeah she called me a *****" it eventually got to the point where people i hadn't even met would say oh right! You're the one who said "xyz"
Anyhow, I had vented alot of my frustrations to her about my ex and current living situation. we became, in her mind, best friends; and in a way I just accepted that. Though I don't think I ever felt as strongly connected to her as she did to me. I was really more interested in being best friends with Friend A because they had helped me so much and I was so grateful, but I appreciated this coworker and trusted her (well just call her roomie for the sake of later)
Roomie was new here and moved from Guam to live with her sister about 2 years back. During DecembeJanuary she started fighting with said sister and was looking for a place to move to.
I originally denied the idea because I was content with living at Friend A and Friend Bs place, however when the dogs conditions started to degrade I knew I needed to find a new place asap, so I ultimately said sure, let's find a place together.
We found a nice 2 bed 2 bath apartment, 3rd floor. My only condition with living with her was that the dogs were allowed to be out and about and not locked in the cage. She agreed 100%. We moved in end of February 2020 signing a 14 month lease.
For the first few weeks I kept the dogs caged while I was at work because they were having issues pooping and peeing on the carpet. I invested in one of those porch potties so that they could just go out and do their business on the porch instead of having to hold it for 12 hours and three flights of stairs. (This would ultimately become a problem)
Move in costs were a bit higher than I had excepted and I hadn't exactly been planning on moving out so soon so I only had maybe 2 weeks worth of paychecks saved and my tax return. I used all of it on downpayment and first months rent and still ended up owing her around 600$ which she said was fine and to just pay her back when I could, but not to worry.
We moved in and the first... I'm going to say 2 weeks, were okay. We didn't have any furniture but I did have a lot of kitchen stuff from when I used to live with my ex, so we bought bean bags and used those for a bit. Eventually within those two weeks we went to the store together and found a papasan chair that we both liked, I ended up buying it. We also found a nice little TV stand, I also bought.
About a month in is when COVID 19 lock downs started to get really serious in our state. The guy that I had fallen in love with before when I was with my ex? Me and him started dating about a week after that break up (thats a whole other story tbh) so at this point we where together for about 4 months.
Originally he had been coming over in the first week or two and then leaving to go home, were he lived with his grandparents, after I fell asleep. He didn't have a key so roomie got mad when the door was left unlocked all night.
And here is our first issue.
Me, I thought okay well I guess let's get him a key? So I went and made a spare and was honestly kind of nervous because this would be a big step in our relationship, so I told roomie on the way to work that I had made a spare and was thinking about giving it to my bf.
She flipped out and said I had gone behind her back and that I should have talked to her about it, but ultimately that yeah it was fine to give him the key. I waited a week to give it to him after that.
About a week after that is when COVID really kicked in and to make a long story short, he asked if he could temporarily move in with me because his grandparents where high risk. I said of course, and we brought it up to roomie.
She was upset at first (honestly I don't remeber why) but said yeah it was fine and she thought it was really sweet that he was looking out for his grandparents.
Let me go back real quick and fill yall in on one or two other back storys that I promise will make sense and this whole thing will come full circle.
Roomie and the bf are no strangers. We are all coworkers, tho bf does work in a different department (he also gets payed more which will come into play later) and we all would go out drinking and partying together.
In January, we threw a group bday party because we had so many friends with January bdays including, me and the bf. To make a long story short, it was a weird time of our relationship. We were technically "open" and we got very drunk that night. Leading to a 5 way make out session between me, roomie, bf, friend A and friend B.
(We had also joked quite often with friend A and friend B about orgies etc) when the party started dying down (this was when I lived at friend As house and the party was held there) me and bf headed back to my room. We came back out and invited roomie in if she wanted (wink winks included) and instead got her and another guy.
To skip the details. Basically the guy was not welcome but we were too drunk to really say or realize how uncomfortable we were with the situation. And ultimately the next day after discussing it, both me, bf, and roomie were very uncomfortable with the whole situation and bf honestly felt as tho he'd been violated if not raped
This night would also prove to cause more than one issue. But basically you can see now that roomie, me and bf all knew eachother fairly well and it wasn't like I was just letting a random guy move in.
Back to the roomie situation. We agreed when he moved in that because he would be sharing a room with me he wouldn't pay rent and instead would buy all the groceries. (Which would usually be around 2-300$ a week in all honesty but would eventually calm down to about 300 every two weeks unless we ate something special)
We very soon found that me and roomie had very different living styles. I didn't mind if dishes were left for a day or two or if the house was a little messy as long as it got cleaned on the weekends.
She however likes things spotless and always clean. She did express this once or twice, saying hey just make sure ur cleaning it up within the day. So I said okay and did just that. Then it went on to hey can you make sure they are cleaned up right after you are done. So I said sure, and did that.
Then months pass and she kept getting more and more bitter toward us and more angry, stomping around the apartment and completely avoiding us. Within these months a few other things happened.
One, I got very drunk, black out drunk, with her and bf one night and accidently told bf roomie had been fucking someone (she had just told him she sucked him off so my drunk mind was like oh shes being open about it I can talk about her and her fuck buddy in front of him now) then later that same night, I called her boy toy and told him he should fuck her basically.
I was drunk out of my mind, and he realized that. However she appearently did not. I truly barely remember the actual events of that call.
What I do remeber is that i was so so happy with my bf and that I thought the boy toy could be that to her and just wanted her to feel the way I did. I thought she was holding herself back.
Obviously I went about it in the compete wrong way and in her words made her feel like a hoe and that she couldn't get someone without being whored out. I apologized profusely and constantly but I don't think she ever actually forgave me.
During the beginning weeks of us moving in she had also invited me out to drink and go bar hopping and the group of friends we had, invited me to a housewarming party, however I was so tired of drinking and partying and was dead broke and still owed her $600 and it was also around the time bf had gotten violated and was therefore distancing himself from the group, so i said no. i didnt want to go out.
She begged me and often asked why bf didn't want to hang out too and I eventually told her its because he's trying to distance and doesn't want to be around the group rn, and that I personally just didn't want to go out. I wanted to stay in with the dogs. She offered to buy me drinks etc and I just didn't want to. I was tired and just wanted to relax. (Again I promise this plays in)
Jumping back to living in the apt with roomie, when covid seemed to be letting up we decided to have a small get together to catch up and celebrate missed bdays. Immediately after inviting, Friend A (who I used to be closest with) just said No. It was really weird and kinda abrasive and my first clue that something was wrong.
So I said okay what if we do another date, most people agreed and we ended up having it the day before the original day.
For this party let me add that roomie didn't offer to help clean before or after, or even offer to buy any of the party supplies or food or even just 20$.
In fact she did the exact opposite and asked us to by specific stuff so she could try certain shots and if we could buy a beer pong table. We couldn't afford the beer pong but we did our best and got 2 cheap tables from ikea instead.
She would later confess that when we asked her if the original date of the party was a good date, that she lied and said yeah when she knew 100% that it wasn't and that they had already had another party planned. But that "we ended up having back to back partys and both were successful so it worked out" (we were not told or invited or even aware of the other party. And at that time we didn't even realize we were appearantly on bad terms with everyone?)
There was also the time where she came home high asf (which she did often tbh). Me and bf were sitting on the couch watching TV and she comes in and starts asking us questions.
Basically all I really remember from that is having this conversation: she was pissed off because I had told friend A and friend B what had happened the night of the January bdays, and that we had made her feel bad for telling her best friend (which btw, just happened to be bfs boss.)
(To this day she doesn't understand why telling bfs boss that her, me, bf, and another coworker directly in bfs area, that bf felt he'd gotten raped, was a BAD idea and something we didn't want)
but at the same time she kept saying she wasn't mad and actually glad she had someone to talk to about it all now an that she just didn't understand why she couldn't tell her BFF (bfs boss)
Then there was a singular moment where I said something like "well when we were friends" or something that implied we arnt friends with the coworker friend group anymore i guess, she said "Oooooohhh so your not friends with them anymore??"
And I was like no that's not what I said. I just mean we havnt hung out for a while or talked because of the whole covid thing. And she kinda just took that whole "oh you're not friends any more hmm?" And questioned more and then went back in her room leaving me heated asf.
Fast forward maybe 4 months or so, and finally we have the outburst.
She sends this extremely long text about how we need to keep the house cleaner and wipe everything down after cooking more and that she thinks bf should pay rent and be put on the lease.
That's shes been forced to keep stuff in her own closet because the pantry is too full and that we need to keep the fridge more organized so she can put stuff in there.
That she didn't feel comfortable being out in the common areas because it was practically our place and because we occasionally would walk around "half naked" and that she felt like she was walking on egg shells and had anxiety about being out in the common areas. (Ditto)
and that she wanted documentation stating that the porch stains were my fault and that she had nothing to do with them
(that relates back to the fact that I had invested in the porch potty, and while the dogs would poop on it, they often would pee on the door or barriers instead and since we lived on the 3rd floor when they peed on the barriers it once accidently got down to the neighbors porch which we immediately where like omg im so sorry and started just walking them more, but the stains from them peeing next to the door were there since I hadn't gotten around to cleaning it (it was like a 105 degree summer and honestly just didn't cross my mind all that often once we started walking them) )
Originally bf was just going to move out. I didn't want him on the lease especially if it were to extend our stay, but we understood from a legal stand point she was probably right.
I also didn't agree with him paying rent. Or at least not the full 3 way split. She has the master bedroom with a private bathroom, walk in closet and other storage/pantry closet.
We share the smaller bedroom with a extremely small closet and do have our own bathroom however its far from private.
Yes she claims that if she has guests over they would use her bathroom but at the same time even if the stuff we keep in the bathroom is private, its not the same.
For example the times shes caught us "half naked" around the house look like this: bf with a robe on or pants and no shirt, me with a big shirt on and underwear. Once maybe with a blanket or towel around myself trying to get to the bathroom to clean up after sex.
And honestly I didn't see the problem with it with her given our history and that she's pretty much seen us both naked multiple times.
When she sent that text, I told her give us a few days to figure out our options. (Because bf wanted to move out) and she got pissed saying that it was always on my schedual and things always revolve around when I want to do things. I just didn't want to make any rash decisions and was trying to stay calm.
I'd never realized how upset she was at us because everytime we'd ask her if she was okay or whats up she said "its good" or "its fine" in a sing-song voice. I knew there was tension and I knew she was upset but not about what.
She was also the one who decided to stop using the groceries bf bought, which was his "rent" we often bought in bulk, causing the fridge and pantry to be pretty full, and the fee times we bought her specific stuff we knew she liked she didn't eat them and went to waste.
We would ask her what she wanted from the grocery store and she's say nothing. The only time we ever got upset (but never told her tbh) was that we used to also cook for her aswell, which was fine. But we made a really expensive dinner for our 6 month anniversary and she ended up eating all of it without even asking.
She also told me she thought I was jealous of her and that I thought she wanted my bf because whenever she was in the kitchen alone with him, id be in there too.
Honestly I laughed and told her God no, I didn't even realize I was doing that and that it was probably because 1)me and bf had just had a huge fight and I was being clingy in general and 2) I had hella anxiety when she was in there because I knew we had just cooked and were in the middle of eating and hadn't cleaned them yet, and I didn't want to put that all on him or have her chew him out.
Anyhow, i finally responded to her long text and told her I agreed with pretty much everything, that we would do better to leave her space and clean up and that all we asked of her was that she didn't use metal on our pots and was careful not to put rustable things in the dishwasher since we'd been having that problem with things like the can opener, certain knifes and baking sheets.
Also that I would clean the porch but not write her a note since there is a 500$ non refundable pet deposited anyhow and when the time came I would take ownership, plus the dogs are in my name.
I did tell her that we would agree to do a 40 30 30 split on rent, even 3 way on utilities, as we thought that was fair since she had the master and we shared a room. She didn't like that at all and said we should pay more because we used the common areas more and she didn't feel comfortable using them.
She proposed a 40 40 20, then realized that was the same as 40 30 30 (which its not really, we arnt joint income) and instead said she'd only agree to a 35 35 30.
I hated it i didn't even agree with the 40 30 30, I wanted to do a 45 27.5 27.5 (because according to online rent calculators that was considered fair given the living situation). But bf said he'd rather just take the loss and have us pay the extra x amount if it'll get her to leave us alone. So we agreed to that.
Real quick let me explain the furniture and why she perhaps feels like it's mostly our apartment. In the beginning we were constantly talking about how we wanted to furnish and design ideas.
We knew it would take a while but it was fun to plan. When we moved in, like I said, I owed her $600. I would still ask her if she liked this or that and she started to say "what, did you win the lottery" or "are you planning on winning the lottery?" In a smart ass kinda hostile tone. And I was like no I'm just curious if you liked this style that way when we can or if we find something on sale we don't just buy stuff the other person hates.
She proceeded to constantly ask me if I had gotten the 3k that my ex owed me (honestly even b4 we moved in together she constantly asked me if I got it) and when the stimulus checks got release would ask me about that too. Then started demanding I pay her back as soon as it seemed like I was in any way financially stable. I wasn't.
I was trying to balance making sure I had enough for rent and food and dog bills as well as trying to save to furnish the house a little bit (it was obvious she wasn't going to), and considering she said to take as long as I needed to pay her back I thought she would appreciate the fact I wanted to buy furniture and make it nice.
I ended up over draftng my account to pay her back but she was pissed because I took put the 14 months of renters insurance (like 8 or 9$ a month each) so that we didn't have to deal with it later and she decided to be petty and tell me I owed her back taxes for the last 3 months rent because she payed it (it was like 40$).
I ultimately furnished all of the common areas, bought us a couch a coffee table a bookshelf a giant gate so the dogs no longer had access to the carpeted area, everything. And I never ever once told her she couldn't use it.
In fact I often encouraged it and she'd claim she just preferred being in her room.
In that text she had also mentioned that the dogs had the whole dining area to themselves so that also made her uncomfortable (she also mentioned in person that my little dog should be in his cage all day because he peed on her door) keep in mind that I have fairly well behaved dogs and I pay a $60 pet rent everyone for them.
They don't bark unless there is someone at the door or kids running and screaming right outside it. We even sent the border collie to a board and train program to polish up his obedience and is CGC certified.
They don't chew. The worst they've done is had accidents in the house because they were either sick or I slept in and forgot to take them out.
Pretty much after that things were okay. We weren't friends and we weren't talking to eachother but we were civil.
Btw huge side note, she had admitted to venting to all our mutual friends and that she basically told them we were shit. Those friends no longer talk to us and avoid us like the plague when they see us at work.
One has even gone as far to tell a new coworker that he hates me. (I over heard him say it). Basically, that whole friend group that saved me from a toxic relationship and here the greatest? Disappeared without even questioning it or telling us what we did to upset them.
Anyways. Like I said things were okay for a month or 2, minus the fact that she had "stolen" all my friends. But I figure fuck it, they obviously didn't care enough about me to even ask for the other side of the story. That doesn't mean it didn't hurt though.
There was some aggravating parts. Remarks on her side concerning my personal life that I thought where inappropriately given our current state of things.
In that time we only really had one issue with her, and it was that she had ordered food on a work day and the delivery service knocked, causing the dogs to bark and us to get up, get fully dressed, and then try to go back to bed with only 1-2 hours left before we actually had to be up.
we told her when we woke up, hey please if u order on a work night just make sure they don't knock or that you ask them not to knock.
She said she told them to leave it at the door. She didn't know why they knocked. I told her you had to put in the notes to not knock, to which she responded that she felt like she was being attacked and that she did. I told her not trying to lecture or attack. Just tired and wanted to make sure that you had, that we understand its out of her control after that.
She then went on to say that we made noise on the weekends and were super loud when we were happy/drunk/being goofy, and i basically told her that she can make all the noise she wants on the weekends because we can sleep in, and that if she had an issue with how loud we are ever, to tell us.
She continued to say that she felt like things were delicate and that we were all trying too hard to act a way that used to come so naturally between us.
I told her I wasn't acting and I was just being me. That if my ignoring her at work and not asking her about her day bugged her im sorry but I'm not going to make small talk and that I didn't see the point in trying to small talk with someone who has clearly shown they no longer want to be friends. That she should just be herself and don't pretend or force something if it makes her uncomfortable, otherwise things will always be delicate..
She then switched her whole attitude saying that "i thought YOU said we weren't friends anymore" and that she was just being courteous and she's never been fake. And that since we arnt friends any more she has infinitely more patience for friends and therefore for none with us.
Which brings us to yesterday.
Yesterday was her last day of the current position she was in and was taking off x amount of time till she started her new position.
It also just happened that I had bought a Furbo the day before to help aid with my dogs training and to keep an eye on them while I was at work. It came and I told roomie about it and she said it was really cool and seemed really excited and interested about it. I then set it up.
The next day when we went to work, she stayed home because she would be starting a new position soon. She ended up texting that she didn't feel comfortable with it and because of body issues she would be turning it towards the wall and that me setting up the camera felt like when I had given bf the key without consulting her.
To which I reminded her that I had told her, I had only made it without telling her; that I would have made the key anyways in case one of us lost ours.
Likewise i told her I didn't feel the need to inform her about buying the Furbo because I would have bought it whether or not she agreed to put it up (it was on sale) further I told her I didn't install it till she gave me the okay at which point she said she never agreed, just said It was cool.
(She said it was awesome and "pretty dope" and had like 2 questions about it (the scope as well as how long it has been up, which like I told her it wasn't up until she said it was awesome) )
I stupidly decided to argue and get upset. She definitely caught me at a bad time. But basically I told her I understand why she wants to turn in away but that I was upset she said it was okay to put up and then the next day she wasn't okay with it. And that though I don't think she would but I couldn't help but have mama bear instincts kick in and think what if she wants to turn the camera away because she's hurting the dogs.
She's definitely expressed enough disdain for them and hates me and is mad at me enough.
She took that comment and ran with it. Saying she'd move out and that we made her feel like an ogre constantly and that she can never do anything right, that now she knows how I really see her. I told her to look at if from my perspective.
That she turned all my friends against me and was constantly complaining about things in the house and really that the biggest problem has come from her not saying her feelings and complaints for 4 months and holding it all in.
That I constantly felt anxiety talking to her and am constantly worried " great whats roomie upset about now"
That the one time we actually called her put for doing something we don't like (the door knocking while we where sleeping for work) she didn't just say sorry, i did put don't knock, but instead played the victim and said we were attacking and lecturing her..
She completely disagreed that she turned everyone against us and we had a whole argument about that. Ultimately she said she would stay quiet and stop bugging and that she wouldn't cause any more stress till April that we could keep the camera up and that she'd stay out of my way as much as possible.
That "people change..."
I ended it with no, I don't think we changed i think we just finally saw eachother for their flaws. I took the camera down as soon as I got home from work that night
Then this morning I woke up to
"Just noticed u wrote this but you're right after comparing my situation with those of Friend As mom, ur ex, his mother, and everyone else, I finally see u for who u truly are. U may not have changed but I have. Situations like this are supposed to do that in my opinion, force one to reflect, adapt, and grow."
I havnt responded.
In my opinion she has no right to compare herself. My ex and his mom were obviously pissed when I moved out because I dumped her son.
I had no issues living with them otherwise. Friend As mom, I understand her being upset because she didn't like dogs and my dogs made a mess because they were stressed, I did my best and it wasn't enough. I don't know what else I could have done and thats why i moved out asap.
She has been the absolute worst room mate and friend and I feel this could have all been solved if she just communicated better.
She's 31 years old. I'm 22.
Youd think at some point you learn to be the bigger person and grow up, like we have honestly so many times just to get her to shut up. I've asked her what I can do to make her more comfortable and she doesn't answer.
Truthfully I've given in to every request shes had, and I don't understand what I personally did to make her feel so much anxiety around me. It's her own fault for holding it in instead of just saying it.
There are countless things I did to try to make her happy and things she did that made me mad and that I just never said anything about (eating certain meals that were clearly ours, never taking out the trash and letting it overflow, only cleaning when she was pissed off at us after we had already cleaned, using the dishwasher as a drying rack
(we specifically bought her a dryer rack so she would stop doing this and she still does it. Whats even more infuriating is that she will open a clean dishwasher, not unload it, and then put her dishes in there to dry. Overlapping so it won't even dry well)
putting a lock on her door and locking it every time she leaves (honestly thats only infuriating because she did it before we even had huge fights and just shows how much she really trusted us) and honestly the list goes on.
The few times the dogs had accidents in the house, she would get home before us and send us a picture and I would just text back thanks well see it when we get there and clean it up. I could go on and on. And we never call her out on any of this because if we donwe are attacking her.)
I truely feel I'm being fairly nice and trying to see it from her perspective as much as possible. I realize I havnt been great but I just... aghh
Am I the asshole??? D:
submitted by BlueDaisy62 to offmychest [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 10:11 gaboduarte Best way to extract clips as .wav samples? (+ Freeze sound glitch issue)

Hi everyone!
I'm relatively new to Ableton and overall music production, and I looked everywhere for a solution to my problem (which seems to work apart from a sound issue with freeze). So I decided to send it to you here, and see if I'm either missing something or if there's a better way.
My goal: To create an easy tool to save different phrases and chords as .WAV samples to use in grooveboxes.
What I did:
  1. Session view: Added a Midi track, created a permutation of Maj/Min and Triad/7th/Inversions/Short/Long/Strum clips. I keep them in C (but I also added a pitch midi effect in case I want to change the octave, or export different roots).
  2. Copy this default track and add the VST or instrument I want.
  3. Select all clips, grab them and hit TAB to drop them all sequentially on the track in Arrangement view.
  4. Freeze track \(more about the issue below)*
  5. Flatten (they become audio clips)
  6. Crop clip(s)
  7. The samples are all in the Cropped folder. The name of the clip is there, with an annoying "(Freeze)..." suffix that's added on the clip name
  8. Put the .WAV files on Audacity to trim silence.
All in all this works fine.
Howeeeeever:
Minor issue: Is there a better way to export the clips with just their actual name, without all the annoying "(Freeze) + date" thing?
MAIN ISSUE: When I freeze the track, the sound changes immediately. Some clips sound like there's a drop in the volume just after the sound is played, some clips end up with weird popping. I can unfreeze and see the problem is gone, freeze again and it's back. Am I doing something wrong? I didn't add any weird VST or tons on effects, I can see this happening even with the Ableton stock instruments 😐
THE QUESTION: How would you guys do this? Am I missing some easier way? What about the freeze issue, did you also see this happening before?
Thanks in advance!!!
submitted by gaboduarte to ableton [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 08:47 curiouslurker2987 23 [F4M] US - Last shot at this before I give up forever :(

Hi. As you can see, I’m pretty defeated when it comes to meeting someone I feel like I can connect with. I’ve been out of the dating scene for a little, and I have to say I’m pretty shy in getting to know new people. The conversations I’ve had with people here have fizzled out before it even really had a chance to begin. I’m sure we can all relate to that a little bit. Sometimes I think that I have too many problems and nobody will like me or understand me.
So to be up front, I am an introvert. I am very shy when it comes to video calls/voice calls at first. I’m not the most confident person in a lot of aspects of my life. I am overweight so that also contributes to it. I am a student but most days I don’t think I’m smart or good enough. Once you get to know me though, I have a caring heart, and a wonderful personality. I am empathetic. I truly value other people and their own struggles.
I am looking for someone who has read the above, and still wants to take a chance with me. Someone who is also educated or is a student too so that we can share our experiences. If you are also on a fitness journey and want a person to motivate you, I am your girl. As for specifics, I’d prefer you to be 23-30 and in the US, or planning to move here at some point as I’d want to actually be close together eventually. Overall, someone with room in their heart and life to accept me as I am.
If you actually read through everything, thank you. Don’t hesitate to message.
submitted by curiouslurker2987 to ForeverAloneDating [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 08:40 Lupinepublishers-ADO Lupine Publishers Pharmaceutical Potential of Cerium Oxide Nanoparticles as Anti-Obesity and Anti-Diabetic Nano-Drug

Lupine Publishers Pharmaceutical Potential of Cerium Oxide Nanoparticles as Anti-Obesity and Anti-Diabetic Nano-Drug

Lupine Publishers Diabetes and Obesity

Opinion

Obesity is a universal pathological condition that affected human health seriously. It would be better to say that, treatment methods of obesity have not been effective to date [1]. This problem evoke researchers into a great challenge to overcome it [2]. Broadly speaking, the reactive oxygen species (ROS) play an important role in lipid accumulation [3]. Oxidative stress is an indispensable phenomenon for the adipocyte accumulation [4-6]. Diabetes mellitus (DM) is an endocrine-metabolic disorder that is increasing worldwide due to population aging, urbanization and obesity. Above all, it causes accelerate mortality rate. Increased oxidative stress plays an important role in the development and progression of diabetes and its complications. Diabetes is usually caused by increased production of free radicals or impaired antioxidant defense [7]. Lorcaserin is a serotonin 5-HT2C receptor agonist which imitate from the serotonin effects and causing an increase of satiety and the reduction of the appetite [8]. Qsymia is a combination of the two drugs phentermine and topiramate, which has the role of weight loss by suppressing the appetite and increasing the sense of satiety [9]. It is also worth mentioning that both of these drugs show considerably side effects like dizziness, headache, insomnia, and risk of teratogenicity [10]. Another strategy to decrease body weight is the assumption of dietary polyphenols (such as green tea, resveratrol, curcumin, etc.), that exhibit antioxidant and anti-inflammatory effects related to lipid accumulation [11], but unfortunately, they are rapidly metabolized by enzymes. As a matter of fact they have low stability and bioavailability after the ingestion [12].
Table 1: chemical properties and clinical application of CONPs.
Beneficial effects of cerium oxide nanoparticles (CONPs - CeO2) or nanoceria cover a wide area of applications, ranging from macular degeneration to cancer therapy which listed in Table 1 [13]. CONPs mimic superoxide dismutase and/or catalase activity, depending on the presence of crystalline defects on their surface (Ce3+/Ce4+ ratio) and the environment pH where they accumulate [14]. Nanoceria as Reactive Oxygen Species (ROS) scavenger can self-regenerate their antioxidant properties by switch between the two oxidation states of cerium [15]. Thereby cerium oxide nanoparticles could overcome most of the typical limitations of traditional anti-oxidant agents because of the self-regenerating catalytic properties. Conversely to commercially available drugs against obesity, CONPs have useful advantage to strongly scavenge the ROS production for a long-sustained period of time, thus for one thing it reduces the needed doses and eventually diminish the adverse side effects of other drugs [1]. Strategies to reduce the formation of oxidative stress are important in the treatment of DM [16]. It seems that CeO2 nanoparticles as powerful antioxidant with free radical scavenging properties, is suitable for this purpose [17]. CONPs were thought to increase antioxidant power due to their catalytic effect in stimulating superoxide Dismutase (SOD) activity and detoxifying free radicals by staying active in the tissues for a long time through the spontaneously movement between the oxidized and reduced state [18-24]. It was shown in animal model that CONPs could reduce body weight effectively [1]. These promising results may provide a novel treatment in the clinical setting in the future. Bearing in mind that future studies should scrutinize the biocompatibility and bioactivity mechanism of the CONPs in diabetic patients.
For more Lupine Publishers Open Access Journals Please visit our website: http://lupinepublishers.us/
For more Open Access Journal on diabetes and Obesity articles Please Click Here: https://lupinepublishers.com/diabetes-obesity-journal/
submitted by Lupinepublishers-ADO to u/Lupinepublishers-ADO [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 08:08 Mental_Wrangler8930 I think I'm depressed, but need advice on how to get the help I need in a controlled situation.

TW: Suicidal Thoughts, suicide

So, I've been having a lot of mental struggles and I'm looking for advice. Any advice at this point, I'm extremely desperate. If you can show me to any other subs that may give me better help I'd appreciate it.

I'm (18F) and currently in the second year of college. The problem is, I've been experiencing this sense of depression and anxiety since I was 14. I do not know if it's actually depression and anxiety because I have not been diagnosed. So, that's where the issue comes in. My parents, which I still live with because I attend community college refuse to believe anything is wrong with me. I begged and pleaded for health when I was seriously considering ending it all at 15. My mother took me to the doctor. And then refused to listen to anything she had to say. I was recommended a lot of therapists in my area, and as a Naive 15-year-old, I was excited to talk to one. Well, flash forward a week and my mom threw out the paper, claiming my suicidal thoughts, lack of motivation, constantly feeling sick and hopeless, etc, was just "stress." Instead, she said she'd allow me to graduate high-school early since *THAT* Was the reason I was so miserable. I thought she was right... I thought magically I wasn't gonna want to end myself. The summer, I nearly tried to off myself 3 times. Though, I never could do it, and come my third year of highschool I was feeling "Better." No, I wasn't looking back on it, it was a false mask I was wearing. On the first day of my third year, I came home extremely unhappy, crying even. I wanted to die then and there, I regret not doing it over the summer. So, my parent's offered me a deal, if I kept myself alive and didn't complain about feeling sad and miserable, they'd buy me a small gift every month. Worst decision of my life. I now have a shopping addiction (I think), I only get happy when I purchase something.

By the time my graduation came along my third year, the sadness immediately hit again. I was getting CONSTANTLY attacked by all my classmates for being a "Betrayer" and "leaving them" so early. They constantly called on me for it. Not to mention, I had no idea who any of the people I was graduating with were (For context, By high school was small, but every grade was VERY separated from the other, I had no chance of even speaking to my upperclassmen). This increased the isolation, and yet again the thoughts of wanting to end it crept into my mind. But I assured myself, college would be better.

I could not be more wrong about that. College has ended up being worse for me than ever. My mental health has been far worse than ever before. After experiencing a lot of Isolation in my last year of high school, I assured myself I'd make plenty of friends in college. Nope, in Every single one of my classes, people have refused to talk to me or start something up. It's been stressful and painful. I joined a club, a group of people to share my interests, but that ended up backfiring immensely. Most of the club is full of sexist, homophobic males, that are impossible to get along with because they simply refuse to talk to me. So the feelings of hopelessness and sadness were very strong during my first year of college. And then COVID-19 came along. My already terrible feelings of depression? are greater than ever. I can't go out to talk to any of the people I thought were my friends, because they all went off to college.

Which get's me to today. I'm posting here because simply I can't take it anymore. After starting my latest year of college, I've hit a rough patch. I only go into campus once a week. The rest of the week? I'm home. My problem is currently stemming from the fact that I feel so effing miserable a can barely wake up in the morning. I can't keep my eyes open most of the day. I'm constantly, physically sick. I get frequent headaches and feel nauseous constantly, I'm sad, I contemplate ending it every. single. day. I won't do it, I know I won't. But the feelings of it, my constant thoughts don't make me feel any better. The main problem has come with my lack of motivation to actually do schoolwork. I just... can't do it. The only motivation I have is when the rush hits a few hours before the due date. And this is where my parents are welcomed into the story again. Since I can't physically do my work, my mother has begun to get extremely pissed off at me. And consequently treats me like a 2-year-old now because of it. Each day she yells at me to get myself out of my bed to do homework. Which I don't do. The more she yells at me to do it, the more tired I get. But it's hit a new level. She now wants to stand in my presence and watch me do my work. Or punish me by taking away my electronics for not doing it. I honestly could;t care less. I can't do said schoolwork without them.

So, this is where my plead for advice comes in. I have a major problem talking to both of my parents about these things, they think I'm lazy and "just stressed." They're also extremely unavailable, attempting to come to them with personal problems has proven ineffective (I get screamed and yelled at for crying in front of them for any reason.) (My mom also largely monitors me and my fathers phones, so any type of hotline is out of the question) (As well as relatives, I have a bad relationship with all of them, and they tend to behave the same as my parents) Nor can my friends help out. If I try to vocalize a problem to them, they normally leave me on "read" or give me the very fulfilling "That's rough." I just want help so badly. I want to feel better. I don't want to feel bad anymore. If anyone could give advice on how I could seek help without getting them involved. Or if I could get them to listen to me, I'd appreciate it. If you have any questions, I'll try to answer them!

EDIT: I live in the US, east coast
submitted by Mental_Wrangler8930 to mentalhealth [link] [comments]


2020.10.24 07:46 cjessinger First Build

What will you be doing with this PC? Be as specific as possible, and include specific games or programs you will be using.
This will be my first built gaming PC. I am a rather avid gamer and really enjoy playing Battle Royales and Multiplayer games (Fortnite, Call of Duty: Warzone / Multiplayer, and I plan to play Cold War competitively). I will use this PC for schoolwork also as I am a college student, no high-quality programs for schoolwork other than Microsoft Office and Adobe programs, but I will be planning to use some sort of OBS within some time, for fun.
What is your maximum budget before rebates/shipping/taxes?
My maximum budget as of right now, this very second is $600 - $750 USD. I am pushing my limits financially even with a build price of that nature. I have heard that with new GPUs and processors coming out shortly, that prices might go down for older models and I have no problem waiting a few weeks to a month.
When do you plan on building/buying the PC? Note: beyond a week or two from today means any build you receive will be out of date when you want to buy.
As I stated in the last response, I have no problem waiting but I could make a purchase as soon as October 31st, 2020, if it is approximately a $600 build.
What, exactly, do you need included in the budget? (ToweOS/monitokeyboard/mouse/etc)
I need the tower, OS, preferably a mechanical keyboard (although I will play most games with a controller if applicable), and the entire build essentially (Processor, GPU, storage, PSU, etc.).
Which country (and state/province) will you be purchasing the parts in? If you're in US, do you have access to a Microcenter location?
I live in the US and am located in Ohio. There is a Microcenter within 120 miles I could drive to.
If reusing any parts (including monitor(s)/keyboard/mouse/etc), what parts will you be reusing? Brands and models are appreciated.
I have a 2013 Razer DeathAdder mouse (Model No. RZ01-0084), a BenQ RL2755-B, and a BenQ GL2450-B.
Will you be overclocking? If yes, are you interested in overclocking right away, or down the line? CPU and/or GPU?
I am relatively new to PC knowledge and I do not necessarily know what overclocking is. I wouldn't be against it I suppose.
Are there any specific features or items you want/need in the build? (ex: SSD, large amount of storage or a RAID setup, CUDA or OpenCL support, etc)
I am told I should shoot for an Intel i7 or AMD equivalent for a processor, and a 2060+ GPU from friends I have been communicating with (the reason I am filling this out is that I am getting over their back and forth suggestions), although those are just their opinions. I guess for the specific features I would like to at least be able to run a large game such as Call of Duty: Warzone with a solid framerate.
Do you have any specific case preferences (Size like ITX/microATX/mid-towefull-tower, styles, colors, window or not, LED lighting, etc), or a particular color theme preference for the components?
I do not have a preference for the size of the tower, although for the style I would enjoy a window and some lighting (I enjoy RGB but it is not necessary. A solid color of white, purple, etc. would be just as nice).
Do you need a copy of Windows included in the budget? If you do need one included, do you have a preference?
I will need a copy of Windows included in the budget. Regular Windows 10 sounds great.
I apologize if this is not specific enough. I hope that it is, and I think this is an awesome Reddit you have set up to help others. I am open to any and all suggestions about what you (whoever you may be) have to offer. Thanks in advance.
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