Yolanda Adams dating

For Gospel legend Yolanda Adams, her stirring Elektra debut Mountain High…. Valley Low was an opportunity to bring both her inspirational vision and her wide range of influences to an audience hungry for spiritual fruit. Since her 1988 debut, the acclaimed and uplifting Just As I Am , Yolanda has been wowing gospel audiences all over the world. Yolanda Adams may have a new beau, 41-year-old WWE superstar Titus O'Neil. Yolanda Adams definitely turned heads with her soul-stirring performance at this year’s Grammy Awards in tribute to Aretha Franklin but the multi-time Stellar Award winner may have a new beau in her life, WWE superstar Titus O’Neil. Caption: Yolanda Adams’s second husband Tim Crawford and their daughter Picture Credit: Facebook. And, with Mr. Crawfor, Adams became a mother for the first time with the daughter named Taylor Adams Crawford which they welcomed in 2001.Taylor is the only child of the singer Yolanda.. However, once again, Yolanda Adams has to go through her previous pain of divorce as seven years later, in ... Yolanda Adams’s Boyfriend. Yolanda Adams is single. She is not dating anyone currently. Yolanda had at least 2 relationship in the past. Yolanda Adams has not been previously engaged. She separated from Tim Crawford in 2004. She and Crawford had a daughter named Taylor together. She was previous married to Troy Mason. Who is she dating right now? According to our records, Yolanda Adams is possibly single. Relationships. Yolanda Adams was previously married to Tim Crawford (1997 - 2005) and Troy Mason (1987 - 1990).. About. Yolanda Adams is a 58 year old American Singer born on 27th August, 1961 in Houston, Texas, USA. Her zodiac sign is Virgo Yolanda Adams Dating Omarosa’s Ex WWE Star Titus O’Neil? February is the month of love and gospel superstar Yolanda Adams may have a new love in her life, if the rumors about her and WWE star Titus O’Neil are to be believed. Who is Yolanda Adams dating? Yolanda Adams is currently single, according to our records.. The American Gospel Singer was born in Houston, TX on August 27, 1961. Gospel singer, radio host, producer, and actress who was named #1 Gospel Artist of the decade in Billboard Magazine’s 2009 issue. Who is Yolanda Adams Dating 2020? Officially Single; After the second divorce, there are no rumors about her affairs and dating. Although she is a very good friend of Donnie McClurkin, it does not mean that they are in a relationship or got engaged. Who is Yolanda Adams Married to? Yolanda Adams Husband: Right now, Single; Is Yolanda Adams ... Yolanda Adams was married to former NFL player Tim Crawford from 1997-2004, and her daughter, Taylor, was born from their union . Titus O’Neil is the father of two sons, Thaddeus Jr. and Titus. READ RHOA Newcomer Latoya Ali's Husband Calls Her Dumb On IG LIVE A look at Yolanda Adams's dating history. Who is Yolanda Adams dating now? View past relationships, dating news, rumors, net worth, and full biography.

RT Rundown June 6, 2020 - June 12, 2020

2020.06.13 20:24 NotMarilee RT Rundown June 6, 2020 - June 12, 2020

Last Week
This post lists everything Rooster Teeth has released from June 6, 2020 to June 12, 2020. The organization of this post follows the order of the links on the sidebar on the website. First exclusive content is surrounded in asterisks ( *EXAMPLE*) while content that is currently exclusive but will be available publicly later is followed by an asterisks and the date in which it will be free (EXAMPLE*Free June 20th.) This does not include content that will lose exclusivity on the day this post is made (June 13th.)
NEWS:
ROOSTER TEETH:
RT PODCAST #600 - Gavin is the Voice of Reason?
*RT PODCAST POST SHOW #600 - Seizure Warning*
ALWAYS OPEN #140 - Falling Asleep During 69
*STILL OPEN #140 - Inside, I Was Erect*
ALWAYS OPEN - Just the BOIs - Black Lives Matter
CHUMP #15 - WHO Was Almost Hit by a Train… TWICE?
*CHUMP CHANGE #15 - What Were the Odds*
GOOD MORNING FROM HELL - A Titanic Screw Up
BLACK BOX DOWN - Two Lightbulbs Cause Two Crashes
RT INBOX - Fish Race 2020
RT LIFE - Creating the ULTIMATE Chicken Nugget!
HARD MODE - Secret Palpatine w/ Achievement Hunter
RTTV SPECIALS - Changes - Community & Coffee
RT STREAMS - No Pain, No Gain -- with Blaine!
RT STREAMS - Gus & Chris Play With Airplanes - Sim Airport in the Red
RT STREAMS - Die Is Cast Ep. 05 - Dancing Blades and Zombie Hallways
RT STREAMS - Screen Time: Goldeneye
RT STREAMS - Dungeons & Animal Crossing
RT STREAMS - We Were Here Together
ACHIEVEMENT HUNTER:
HARDCORE MINI GOLF - Don’t Talk To Me About Friendship* Free June 17th
F**KFACE - Set Sail For Ass//Billy Ripken F**kfaced Himself
FACE JAM - TGI Fridays Loaded Cheese Fry Burger
AHWU #529 - We Need a Haircut
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES - We Livestream A Catastrophic Failure
AH ANIMATED - Could You Fight 20 Cows With Your Bare Hands?
PLAY PALS - There’s Too Many Endings! - Please, Don’t Touch Anything!
LET’S ROLL - Are We Illegal Space Spies? - Spyfall - (Tabletop Simulator)
ROULETSPLAY - SOLO and a Guy: A Star Wars Story - Battlefront II
ACHIEVEMENT HUNTER - Creating a Comic Book with Greg Miller - Keeping the Lights On
ACHIEVEMENT HUNTER - Golf Mix - AH Remix
AH STREAMS - How You Can Support Creative POC - F-ing Around With Ify & Fiona
AH STREAMS - Portal 2
AH STREAMS - Astroneer
AH STREAMS - Apex
AH STREAMS - Super Smash Bros. Ultimate with Woolie and Shofu
AH STREAMS - Jackbag on PC! - GTA V
AH STREAMS - We Take to the Skies! - Gmod TTT
AH STREAMS - Role Initiative - Rage Against the Machine
AH STREAMS - You’ve Broken the Game! - Ultimate Chicken Horse
AH STREAMS - Don’t You Go Squishing Me! - Gears Tactics
AH STREAMS - Much Power. Many Cards! - Battlefront 2
AH STREAMS - Such Sad Boys - Post Team Does Batman: Telltale Series
LET’S PLAY - Busting Ghosts in Halo 3 LASO ODST (Part 7)* Free June 14th
LET’S PLAY - We Get Hardcore Soup’s - Golf With Your Friends
LET’S PLAY - We Get REKT! - Wreckfest
LET’S PLAY GTA V - Offense Defense With Cabs* Free June 15th
LET’S PLAY GMOD - Stopping Traitors With Pizza* Free June 17th
LET’S PLAY MINECRAFT - How to be a Hero? - Minecraft Explosion Mod Part 2* Free June 19th
FUNHAUS:
YOUR COMMENTS - Wheel of Humility: Your Comments Were Right!
DUDE SOUP #282 - What To Expect From Destiny 2: Beyond Light w/ Parris Lilly
MORNING HAUS - Good Morning, Winners
FILMHAUS - Why You Should Watch Star Wars: The Clone Wars Right Now!
FULLHAUS - Adam Tries To Speedrun Ori and the Will of the Wisps (UNCUT)
FULLHAUS - Who Needs Halo Infinite? (UNCUT) - Alienautics Gameplay
GAMEPLAY - Fatal Extraction - CSGO Co-op Adventures Mod w/ CrankGamePlays
GAMEPLAY - Pottermore Pileup - GTA Online Casino Heist Part 7
GAMEPLAY - Block Party - Minecraft Dungeons Gameplay
GAMEPLAY - Fire Up Your Dial Up For Runescape!
FUNHAUS LIVE - Minecraft Dungeons with Lindsey and The Gang!
ANIMATION:
RTAA - Buttz Mitzvah* Free June 15th
*TALK CRWBY TO ME - 50 shades of RWBY*
I HAVE NOTES - Can We Lower The Stakes?
CYPHERDEN’S ADVENTURES - MY DAD’S CRAZY EX-GIRLFRIEND
SELECT ALL - Animal Crossing Hide & Seek
SELECT ALL - RWBY Quick Draw: Sad Dads and Cute Girls
*BACKWARDZ COMPATIBLE - Dead by Daylight*
*BACKWARDZ COMPATIBLE - Games Done Quick at Home*
*BACKWARDZ COMPATIBLE - Willem Dafoe’s Lake Monster*
INSIDE GAMING:
IG PODCAST - Send News #15 - Game Companies Voice Support For #BlackLivesMatter
IG PODCAST - Send News #16 - PS5 Load Times Won’t Be A Game-Changer
IG ROUNDUP - CEO Calls Stadia A “Disappointment”
IG SPECIAL - Big Mutherf***in Crab Truckers Pt.1
IG FEATURES - The Magic of Sound Design In Games
IG DAILY - Stadia Takes Another Hit
IG DAILY - Xbox Knows Series X Will Fail?
IG DAILY - Nintendo Hacks Are Worse Than We Thought
IG DAILY - PS5 Still Plagued By Load Times?
IG DAILY - What’s Next For PS5?
IG LIVE! - “How Are You Doing?” & Difficult Conversations - Stay Zen with Kdin #9
IG LIVE! - Don’t F*** With My Cartoons - Model Employees
IG LIVE! - Hitman 2
IG LIVE! - Red Dead Redemption 2 Part 2
IG LIVE! - How To Draw Mario Good - Inside Gaming Teaches
IG LIVE! - Disintegration
DEATH BATTLE:
Wings of Iron Music Video
DBX - Mulan VS Lucina (Disney VS Fire Emblem)
DBX - Mulan VS Lucina Alternate Ending
DB CAST #182 - Could Shantae be in Death Battle!
*SUDDEN DEATH #182 - Chad goes to the Hospital!*
THE YOGSCAST:
TTT - SHE’S THE DOG DETECTIVE
TTT - ZYLUS NEVER LOSES
TTT - WE’RE THE DETECTIVE DEPUPEDE
GMOD SANDBOX - BEN DID SOMETHING REALLY BAD
TRIFORCE #130 - That American Life
HIGH ROLLERS: AEROIS #74 - Criminal Negotiations
SIMON’S PECULIAR PORTIONS - Woman’s First Date Turns Into Bank Robbery
KINDA FUNNY:
INTERNET EXPLORERZ - HOW IS THIS DUCK SO BIG?!?!
SCREENCAST #73 - What We’ve Been Watching
KF PODCAST #72 - All Of Funhaus Joins Us!
KF GAMES DAILY 06.08.20 - PlayStation 5 Event Rescheduled!
KF GAMES DAILY 06.09.20 - The Future of Destiny
KF GAMES DAILY 06.10.20 - Persona 4 Golden Heads to PC?!
KF GAMES DAILY 06.11.20 - Last Minute PS5 Bets, Predictions
KF LIVE REACTIONS - Destiny 2: Beyond Light
KF LIVE REACTIONS - PlayStation 5 Reveal
EVERY TRANSFORMERS MOVIE REVIEWED & RANKED - Transformers Dark of the Moon
EVERY TRANSFORMERS MOVIE REVIEWED & RANKED - Transformers Age of Extinction
FRIENDS OF RT:
SONGS ABOUT GAMES - Nicolas Cage Rap - “Uncaged”
DC DAILY June 8th, 2020 - It’s Sy Borgman!
DC DAILY June 9th, 2020 - Vote Yolanda!
DC DAILY June 10th, 2020 - “The Last God” RPG, Part 1 of 3
DC DAILY June 11th, 2020 - “The Last God” RPG, Part 2 of 3
DC DAILY June 12th, 2020 - “The Last God” RPG, Part 3 of 3
STORE:
ACHIEVEMENT HUNTER - Fore Honor T-Shirt
ACHIEVE - Racing Stripe Zip-Up Hoodie
ACHIEVE - Grand Pix Long Sleeve T-Shirt
ACHIEVE - Racing Decal Pack
ACHIEVE - Racing Pole Position T-Shirt
ACHIEVE - Racing Circuit T-Shirt
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2020.05.11 22:34 fractalfay Do You Know How Many Friends You Have? Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E12

Good afternoon to all my fellow quarantined that accidentally slept till noon. I hope your hands are flapping as furiously as mine. Last night on BT90D: The Awful Person Season, Lisa, Ed, Ash, and Stephanie traveled to Michigan’s lockdown protest in the back of a Ford 150.
Lisa: Do you smell that? This place stinks. I’m over Michigan.
Ash: Social distancing is very selfish. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! GIVE ME SOMETHING.
Ed: I’m really hot, I’m sweaty, and I need to get somewhere with air conditioning. Leave the child.
Stephanie: Can you sanitize that AR-15 extra, please?
JUST KIDDING! On the actual show, escort Ash is still trying to make us believe he’s a relationship coach, which we can tell by how he says, “You’re trying to destroy me” to close down an argument. I mean, it’s not like this all started because Avery questioned his pseudo-seminar presented to a group of stunned strangers, who were hoping to at least reach the current decade in terms of romantic recommendations.
“This is called turning it around on the other person, you see,” Ash explains. “She no longer remembers what we argued about, okay, because now I am offended. Because she’s driving an ice pic into the eye of my life.”
Avery: What is happening? I’m going to see if I can pull up flight information in my pocket. Nope, just looking for loose change.
Ash: Right, are you going to meet my ex and kid or what? Stop slashing at my soul with verbal razors!
Brother Ash: I blame women, of course. Do you see how Avery hurts him?
Producers: Hello, Gladys? We need to talk about casting for this season. Real quick, can you send me a list of the cast members that don’t have a lengthy criminal record, or a tendency to act criminal on screen? Don’t send me a blank sheet of paper, Gladys, that was not funny last time.
Avery is fully checked out, but she’s got to go the distance if she’s going to reap the financial benefits of this season, so she asks Ash to drop her off someplace he’ll never find her. When that doesn’t work, she suggests different hotels. Ash looks at her with his cracker trap hanging open, a Red Bull rolled up in his shirt sleeve, totally fine. “That is very selfish of you. You’re not putting my needs above yours.”
Ash: If you want this to work, we have to be very honest with each other. Now, tell me what I want to hear.
Avery: Is that a police car? Oh, I was just waving hello. I’m going to ahead and wave again...and again...
Ash: You’re deflating the tires of my spirit. I feel there is tension between us.
Avery: Can this car go any faster? I can just walk. Yeah, I’ll just walk.
She goes into the hotel, right out the back door, into a cab, and to an unadvertised airbnb with security. Good thinking.
The next day Avery proves herself to be one of three people who can make tight overalls work, and enjoys a peaceful cab ride alone to meet Sian and Taj. Ash decides that the fact that Avery showed up must mean that she loves him, and that she plans to repeatedly prove it to him until she dies. Scrappy youth Taj is forced to hug a stranger, and announces that he’s got jokes. After something about cat cannibalism, Taj drags it back to his instagram. There’s something about Ash that rhymes with…yeah, it’s narcissism. That is the something about Ash.
Sian and Avery both agree they need some alcohol, so they whisk away to a wine bar for a little sesh on how dating Ash inspires wearing a full body suit of Nerf. Avery resists smashing the first wine bottle she sees against the side of the table to chug it, glass and all, to get up outta down under. Instead she asks for the deets, and Sian is very aware that she’s on camera, talking about the father of her child. Let’s pause, because this is the only time this has happened, and might be the last: Someone actually thought of the children. Mind, blow.
“I’m shocked,” Ed interrupts, talking about something else.
Sian carefully says that Ash has grown a lot since they were together, and they’ve been divorced for about a year. Avery was under the impression that they’ve been divorced for ten years, but this could be connected to his tendency to be hyperbolic.
“Why do you say this? You’re flaying at my core in a masculine way, and that’s not what you want, as a woman.” Sit down, Ash.
Avery brings up the hypothetical move to the US of A, and Sian’s face is exactly what you’d expect. She says that Taj is her world, and she can’t even fathom him being elsewhere which (again) is exactly what you’d expect from a loving mother. Avery says this is what she expected after listening to his trash can seminar, so thanks for the confirmation. Sian goes on to say that it makes more sense for Ash to be going back and forth to see Avery, instead of making a child negotiate being abandoned by his father or yanked away from his mother, because logic. Avery appreciates the honesty, and says she would never want to do anything to disrupt their family or a child’s welfare.
Happy Mother’s Day, Sian and Avery, you’re killing it.
“And you’re killing me,” Ash interjects.
Though not technically the next stop in the narrative, I’m going to make a sharp detour towards Ed and Rose, to remind us all why we’re still watching this season. Ed’s scraggly face appears to remind us how seriously he took her preferences. Rose gets comfortable in her chair, because it’s going to take charts and graphs to truly underscore she’s smarter than him.
Rose tells him that he doesn’t love her, and doesn’t love her son, and didn’t put any time and effort into getting to know her son, and she’s very hurt. Ed is shocked by this, because no, he doesn’t see how he treats her, because this isn’t about her. He leaps over the reference to her son, and insists he fell in love with her on Facebook, and expected her to be two dimensional when he arrived. He dumbly dangles the potential proposal, and she says his behavior is not good, and he’s a liar, she’s done, and doesn’t want to waste her time. To close out, Rose asks him to please change his behavior, so he doesn’t hurt another woman.
Ed: So you think I’m bad. I’m a bad person, okay.
Rose: You are.
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Ed storms off in a huff, while Rose heads to their hotel room to pack her stuff and banish his sweaty groveling once and for all. She says she feels sad, because Ed doesn’t own his mistakes, and she misses her son, so she’s bouncing to the airport to see about changing her flight and her phone number. Rose confesses that she liked Ed before because he gave her respect, but she sees the true Ed now. “I never see romantic comedy, so I don’t think man-baby cute. I’ll meet my true king in the future.”
This chick is 21 and has it together more than Darcey.
Ed is left wandering around the hotel grounds, creeping out the other residents, reasserting his bewilderment that after 28 years of waiting, women are still people.
Feeling good? Say goodbye to that, because we’re on to round whatever of Steph’s boring lesbian fake-out. This time she’s pretending to have any intention of coming out to her mother over Skype. Erika is exactly as convinced of this as all of us at home, but she agrees to participate in the call so she has something to do while drinking her coffee. True to form, Steph teases the possibility for several beats, while her mom interrogates her about her health decisions, and then Steph closes with a confession that she…went shark diving. The look on Erika’s face suggests she wishes she were still down there with better company.
I’m not saying that Steph should rush coming out, but she should probably be gay first. Also, fuck you completely 90DF producers for giving us this shit-show to wade into instead of a legit queer union. Glad they’re doing their part to perpetuate the heterosexual fantasy of how lesbians operate, right down to the Barbie dream girl who just can’t.
Later they go to Erika’s friend’s house for game night, which at my house is Angry Skipbo, a hobby that will cease the minute it’s possible to enter a restaurant without contracting a terminal disease. Steph’s friends have more interesting options, including a game called Privacy, which is about to enjoy a sales surge on Amazon. It’s like truth or dare for people who want to get divorced, and yes I would like to play this.
Adam tries to bait Stephanie into rage-quitting before they’ve even chosen a Dungeon Master, but Stephanie is determined to pretend to be interested in these people she’s never going to see again. The first question is if you’ve ever woken up next to someone you don’t remember meeting the night before, and forgetting what game they’re playing, Stephanie drinks. She worries that it’s going to be a judgmental space, which should tell you everything about Stephanie’s friends, and is relieved to see it’s…fun? Later Steph tells everyone that she worries they’ll think she’s some psychopath from America, when she’s never been diagnosed with that. Then they all tap beer cozies and giggle into the night.
Don’t start hoping for an unexpected twist that involves them behaving like a couple. The next morning they “wake up” in bed fully clothed and made up, to talk about Steph’s upcoming departure. Stephanie is concerned this will jeopardize the no-trust she has, because, “It’s really hard to trust someone from thousands of miles away. Or in person. Or at all.”
Then Erika comes running up from behind with a verbal folding chair, and says she doesn’t want to be kept secret from Steph’s family forever, because she had an on/off relationship for ten years with a “friend” where that was the case, and she hated it. Oops, did she forget to mention that ten year on/off union? This story is so unbelievable I’m starting to long for Yolanda, and I’m going to go ahead and put all my chips on that Claire chick with the side ponytail as Erika’s ten year romance that wasn’t, because a girl can dream.
Stephanie is shocked that this was kept under wraps and away from her open mind that always considers the needs of others, and prepares for detonation. I mean, ten year relationships are things you usually talk about like you were in prison together, but this is a relationship based on woke cred and like buttons, so yeah. As the argument escalates, Stephanie brilliantly blurts, “Do you know how many friends you have?” She rattles off some names, throws a dish, and storms out. Erika looks down, and I’m going to guess she’s trying not to laugh.
Steph returns to announce to Erika that she’s definitely going to use this against here, possibly forever, and it’s going to be her rationale for the sexless nature of their cyber relationship. Erika says she totes knew Steph was going to do that, and Erika calls her on the fact that she’s never going to tell her mother a damn thing. Steph insists that her mom is the only one who cares about her, and so Erika is all “Well why don’t you MARRY HER?” I’d say this would be a good time for more popcorn, except that there has to be a believable relationship at the outset to feel engaged by their hostility.
Anyway, Stephanie says they’re done, which is what you do with someone you want to be with “forever” after you find out they were hurt by an ex, and with no hesitation at all Erika’s packs her bag and bounces to her parents’ house.
Sidebar: While this season has a wealth of shitty people, at least they’re trying to balance it with folks willing to pull their card.
Anyway, downright we’re going back to David, who is a changed man. You can tell this by his Johnny Cash Columbine trench coat. He says he tried to walk away from Lana, and made it two weeks before he felt lonely. When they resumed talking, Lana said that she now lives in Kiev with her sister, and so David is hoping the fifth attempt will be the winner, since there are five points on a pentacle, and he can summon her from the center of the star.
Once his plane lands, Lana sends him a message revealing that she has a lot of important needlepoint to do, but she can meet him on Monday. David is starting to maybe kind of a little suspect something that, I dunno, might be weird. So the next day he’s coated up to meet with an investigator a second time, a pitiable translator at his heels. David asks said investigator if he did any actual investigating, and the guy looks like he’s two pints deep. Plot twist: the investigator is also a scammer! The investigator says he doesn’t understand why someone would choose a hockey game over meeting a great love, and David calls him negative, which is American for logical…even though David had the same damn thought the day before.
“I did one google, and I find fake profile,” he explains through the translator. “One Lana, two Lana, three Lana, four. It is like Russian doll of Lanas. So very investigate.”
David is a salty dog. “I didn’t hit you up for an opinion, my dude, I was hunting for a criminal record, an address, divorce papers, the sort of shit Maury Povich could come up with.”
I’m going to go ahead and give this one to David, because I’d be kinda pissed if I paid a PI to tell me what he assumes is true. He could at least produce some kind of documentation that shows all the accounts are owned by the same person, or where money is being wired, etc. David declares the investigator fired, and the PI says he’ll just wait for Rebecca to refer more clients.
Meanwhile, David salvaged a shirt from the set sale for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and he’s not afraid to iron it. Apparently, Lana can iron shirts three times faster than David, which underscores the sort of riveting conversations these two have. He hits the plastic of his hair with a brush, daubs a little Love’s Baby Soft behind his ears and the back of his knees, and brings out the men-in-black coat, because he hurt himself today to see if he still feels.
David heads out to their agreed upon destination with a bag full of chocolates and random lotions and stuff, determined to wait there until she’s done having a medical emergency, attending a funeral, and getting cold feet. Ten minutes deep into the wait she strolls up, looking exactly like her photos, which is the first surprise this show has foisted upon us in ever. Do either of these two speak the other’s language? That will be surprise #2.
Next week, 90DF is so starved for footage that we get to watch Darcey put on face masks with her daughters, Geoffrey moves on to his next crime, Ed sulks around in a mayo stained pink shirt, Lisa Lisa’s around Nigeria, and Yolanda stares at her phone. Not even any sign of jokes. This is gonna hurt.
THANK YOU PATREON SUPPORTERS! Patreon.com/fractalfay
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2020.05.11 22:33 fractalfay Do You Know How Many Friends You Have?: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E12

Good afternoon to all my fellow quarantined that accidentally slept till noon. I hope your hands are flapping as furiously as mine. Last night on BT90D: The Awful Person Season, Lisa, Ed, Ash, and Stephanie traveled to Michigan’s lockdown protest in the back of a Ford 150.
Lisa: Do you smell that? This place stinks. I’m over Michigan.
Ash: Social distancing is very selfish. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! GIVE ME SOMETHING.
Ed: I’m really hot, I’m sweaty, and I need to get somewhere with air conditioning. Leave the child.
Stephanie: Can you sanitize that AR-15 extra, please?
JUST KIDDING! On the actual show, escort Ash is still trying to make us believe he’s a relationship coach, which we can tell by how he says, “You’re trying to destroy me” to close down an argument. I mean, it’s not like this all started because Avery questioned his pseudo-seminar presented to a group of stunned strangers, who were hoping to at least reach the current decade in terms of romantic recommendations.
“This is called turning it around on the other person, you see,” Ash explains. “She no longer remembers what we argued about, okay, because now I am offended. Because she’s driving an ice pic into the eye of my life.”
Avery: What is happening? I’m going to see if I can pull up flight information in my pocket. Nope, just looking for loose change.
Ash: Right, are you going to meet my ex and kid or what? Stop slashing at my soul with verbal razors!
Brother Ash: I blame women, of course. Do you see how Avery hurts him?
Producers: Hello, Gladys? We need to talk about casting for this season. Real quick, can you send me a list of the cast members that don’t have a lengthy criminal record, or a tendency to act criminal on screen? Don’t send me a blank sheet of paper, Gladys, that was not funny last time.
Avery is fully checked out, but she’s got to go the distance if she’s going to reap the financial benefits of this season, so she asks Ash to drop her off someplace he’ll never find her. When that doesn’t work, she suggests different hotels. Ash looks at her with his cracker trap hanging open, a Red Bull rolled up in his shirt sleeve, totally fine. “That is very selfish of you. You’re not putting my needs above yours.”
Ash: If you want this to work, we have to be very honest with each other. Now, tell me what I want to hear.
Avery: Is that a police car? Oh, I was just waving hello. I’m going to ahead and wave again...and again...
Ash: You’re deflating the tires of my spirit. I feel there is tension between us.
Avery: Can this car go any faster? I can just walk. Yeah, I’ll just walk.
She goes into the hotel, right out the back door, into a cab, and to an unadvertised airbnb with security. Good thinking.
The next day Avery proves herself to be one of three people who can make tight overalls work, and enjoys a peaceful cab ride alone to meet Sian and Taj. Ash decides that the fact that Avery showed up must mean that she loves him, and that she plans to repeatedly prove it to him until she dies. Scrappy youth Taj is forced to hug a stranger, and announces that he’s got jokes. After something about cat cannibalism, Taj drags it back to his instagram. There’s something about Ash that rhymes with…yeah, it’s narcissism. That is the something about Ash.
Sian and Avery both agree they need some alcohol, so they whisk away to a wine bar for a little sesh on how dating Ash inspires wearing a full body suit of Nerf. Avery resists smashing the first wine bottle she sees against the side of the table to chug it, glass and all, to get up outta down under. Instead she asks for the deets, and Sian is very aware that she’s on camera, talking about the father of her child. Let’s pause, because this is the only time this has happened, and might be the last: Someone actually thought of the children. Mind, blow.
“I’m shocked,” Ed interrupts, talking about something else.
Sian carefully says that Ash has grown a lot since they were together, and they’ve been divorced for about a year. Avery was under the impression that they’ve been divorced for ten years, but this could be connected to his tendency to be hyperbolic.
“Why do you say this? You’re flaying at my core in a masculine way, and that’s not what you want, as a woman.” Sit down, Ash.
Avery brings up the hypothetical move to the US of A, and Sian’s face is exactly what you’d expect. She says that Taj is her world, and she can’t even fathom him being elsewhere which (again) is exactly what you’d expect from a loving mother. Avery says this is what she expected after listening to his trash can seminar, so thanks for the confirmation. Sian goes on to say that it makes more sense for Ash to be going back and forth to see Avery, instead of making a child negotiate being abandoned by his father or yanked away from his mother, because logic. Avery appreciates the honesty, and says she would never want to do anything to disrupt their family or a child’s welfare.
Happy Mother’s Day, Sian and Avery, you’re killing it.
“And you’re killing me,” Ash interjects.
Though not technically the next stop in the narrative, I’m going to make a sharp detour towards Ed and Rose, to remind us all why we’re still watching this season. Ed’s scraggly face appears to remind us how seriously he took her preferences. Rose gets comfortable in her chair, because it’s going to take charts and graphs to truly underscore she’s smarter than him.
Rose tells him that he doesn’t love her, and doesn’t love her son, and didn’t put any time and effort into getting to know her son, and she’s very hurt. Ed is shocked by this, because no, he doesn’t see how he treats her, because this isn’t about her. He leaps over the reference to her son, and insists he fell in love with her on Facebook, and expected her to be two dimensional when he arrived. He dumbly dangles the potential proposal, and she says his behavior is not good, and he’s a liar, she’s done, and doesn’t want to waste her time. To close out, Rose asks him to please change his behavior, so he doesn’t hurt another woman.
Ed: So you think I’m bad. I’m a bad person, okay.
Rose: You are.
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Ed storms off in a huff, while Rose heads to their hotel room to pack her stuff and banish his sweaty groveling once and for all. She says she feels sad, because Ed doesn’t own his mistakes, and she misses her son, so she’s bouncing to the airport to see about changing her flight and her phone number. Rose confesses that she liked Ed before because he gave her respect, but she sees the true Ed now. “I never see romantic comedy, so I don’t think man-baby cute. I’ll meet my true king in the future.”
This chick is 21 and has it together more than Darcey.
Ed is left wandering around the hotel grounds, creeping out the other residents, reasserting his bewilderment that after 28 years of waiting, women are still people.
Feeling good? Say goodbye to that, because we’re on to round whatever of Steph’s boring lesbian fake-out. This time she’s pretending to have any intention of coming out to her mother over Skype. Erika is exactly as convinced of this as all of us at home, but she agrees to participate in the call so she has something to do while drinking her coffee. True to form, Steph teases the possibility for several beats, while her mom interrogates her about her health decisions, and then Steph closes with a confession that she…went shark diving. The look on Erika’s face suggests she wishes she were still down there with better company.
I’m not saying that Steph should rush coming out, but she should probably be gay first. Also, fuck you completely 90DF producers for giving us this shit-show to wade into instead of a legit queer union. Glad they’re doing their part to perpetuate the heterosexual fantasy of how lesbians operate, right down to the Barbie dream girl who just can’t.
Later they go to Erika’s friend’s house for game night, which at my house is Angry Skipbo, a hobby that will cease the minute it’s possible to enter a restaurant without contracting a terminal disease. Steph’s friends have more interesting options, including a game called Privacy, which is about to enjoy a sales surge on Amazon. It’s like truth or dare for people who want to get divorced, and yes I would like to play this.
Adam tries to bait Stephanie into rage-quitting before they’ve even chosen a Dungeon Master, but Stephanie is determined to pretend to be interested in these people she’s never going to see again. The first question is if you’ve ever woken up next to someone you don’t remember meeting the night before, and forgetting what game they’re playing, Stephanie drinks. She worries that it’s going to be a judgmental space, which should tell you everything about Stephanie’s friends, and is relieved to see it’s…fun? Later Steph tells everyone that she worries they’ll think she’s some psychopath from America, when she’s never been diagnosed with that. Then they all tap beer cozies and giggle into the night.
Don’t start hoping for an unexpected twist that involves them behaving like a couple. The next morning they “wake up” in bed fully clothed and made up, to talk about Steph’s upcoming departure. Stephanie is concerned this will jeopardize the no-trust she has, because, “It’s really hard to trust someone from thousands of miles away. Or in person. Or at all.”
Then Erika comes running up from behind with a verbal folding chair, and says she doesn’t want to be kept secret from Steph’s family forever, because she had an on/off relationship for ten years with a “friend” where that was the case, and she hated it. Oops, did she forget to mention that ten year on/off union? This story is so unbelievable I’m starting to long for Yolanda, and I’m going to go ahead and put all my chips on that Claire chick with the side ponytail as Erika’s ten year romance that wasn’t, because a girl can dream.
Stephanie is shocked that this was kept under wraps and away from her open mind that always considers the needs of others, and prepares for detonation. I mean, ten year relationships are things you usually talk about like you were in prison together, but this is a relationship based on woke cred and like buttons, so yeah. As the argument escalates, Stephanie brilliantly blurts, “Do you know how many friends you have?” She rattles off some names, throws a dish, and storms out. Erika looks down, and I’m going to guess she’s trying not to laugh.
Steph returns to announce to Erika that she’s definitely going to use this against here, possibly forever, and it’s going to be her rationale for the sexless nature of their cyber relationship. Erika says she totes knew Steph was going to do that, and Erika calls her on the fact that she’s never going to tell her mother a damn thing. Steph insists that her mom is the only one who cares about her, and so Erika is all “Well why don’t you MARRY HER?” I’d say this would be a good time for more popcorn, except that there has to be a believable relationship at the outset to feel engaged by their hostility.
Anyway, Stephanie says they’re done, which is what you do with someone you want to be with “forever” after you find out they were hurt by an ex, and with no hesitation at all Erika’s packs her bag and bounces to her parents’ house.
Sidebar: While this season has a wealth of shitty people, at least they’re trying to balance it with folks willing to pull their card.
Anyway, downright we’re going back to David, who is a changed man. You can tell this by his Johnny Cash Columbine trench coat. He says he tried to walk away from Lana, and made it two weeks before he felt lonely. When they resumed talking, Lana said that she now lives in Kiev with her sister, and so David is hoping the fifth attempt will be the winner, since there are five points on a pentacle, and he can summon her from the center of the star.
Once his plane lands, Lana sends him a message revealing that she has a lot of important needlepoint to do, but she can meet him on Monday. David is starting to maybe kind of a little suspect something that, I dunno, might be weird. So the next day he’s coated up to meet with an investigator a second time, a pitiable translator at his heels. David asks said investigator if he did any actual investigating, and the guy looks like he’s two pints deep. Plot twist: the investigator is also a scammer! The investigator says he doesn’t understand why someone would choose a hockey game over meeting a great love, and David calls him negative, which is American for logical…even though David had the same damn thought the day before.
“I did one google, and I find fake profile,” he explains through the translator. “One Lana, two Lana, three Lana, four. It is like Russian doll of Lanas. So very investigate.”
David is a salty dog. “I didn’t hit you up for an opinion, my dude, I was hunting for a criminal record, an address, divorce papers, the sort of shit Maury Povich could come up with.”
I’m going to go ahead and give this one to David, because I’d be kinda pissed if I paid a PI to tell me what he assumes is true. He could at least produce some kind of documentation that shows all the accounts are owned by the same person, or where money is being wired, etc. David declares the investigator fired, and the PI says he’ll just wait for Rebecca to refer more clients.
Meanwhile, David salvaged a shirt from the set sale for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and he’s not afraid to iron it. Apparently, Lana can iron shirts three times faster than David, which underscores the sort of riveting conversations these two have. He hits the plastic of his hair with a brush, daubs a little Love’s Baby Soft behind his ears and the back of his knees, and brings out the men-in-black coat, because he hurt himself today to see if he still feels.
David heads out to their agreed upon destination with a bag full of chocolates and random lotions and stuff, determined to wait there until she’s done having a medical emergency, attending a funeral, and getting cold feet. Ten minutes deep into the wait she strolls up, looking exactly like her photos, which is the first surprise this show has foisted upon us in ever. Do either of these two speak the other’s language? That will be surprise #2.
Next week, 90DF is so starved for footage that we get to watch Darcey put on face masks with her daughters, Geoffrey moves on to his next crime, Ed sulks around in a mayo stained pink shirt, Lisa Lisa’s around Nigeria, and Yolanda stares at her phone. Not even any sign of jokes. This is gonna hurt.
THANK YOU PATREON SUPPORTERS!
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2020.05.11 22:32 fractalfay Do You Know How Many Friends You Have?: Recap of Before the 90 Days, S04E12

Good afternoon to all my fellow quarantined that accidentally slept till noon. I hope your hands are flapping as furiously as mine. Last night on BT90D: The Awful Person Season, Lisa, Ed, Ash, and Stephanie traveled to Michigan’s lockdown protest in the back of a Ford 150.
Lisa: Do you smell that? This place stinks. I’m over Michigan.
Ash: Social distancing is very selfish. TELL ME YOU LOVE ME! GIVE ME SOMETHING.
Ed: I’m really hot, I’m sweaty, and I need to get somewhere with air conditioning. Leave the child.
Stephanie: Can you sanitize that AR-15 extra, please?
JUST KIDDING! On the actual show, escort Ash is still trying to make us believe he’s a relationship coach, which we can tell by how he says, “You’re trying to destroy me” to close down an argument. I mean, it’s not like this all started because Avery questioned his pseudo-seminar presented to a group of stunned strangers, who were hoping to at least reach the current decade in terms of romantic recommendations.
“This is called turning it around on the other person, you see,” Ash explains. “She no longer remembers what we argued about, okay, because now I am offended. Because she’s driving an ice pic into the eye of my life.”
Avery: What is happening? I’m going to see if I can pull up flight information in my pocket. Nope, just looking for loose change.
Ash: Right, are you going to meet my ex and kid or what? Stop slashing at my soul with verbal razors!
Brother Ash: I blame women, of course. Do you see how Avery hurts him?
Producers: Hello, Gladys? We need to talk about casting for this season. Real quick, can you send me a list of the cast members that don’t have a lengthy criminal record, or a tendency to act criminal on screen? Don’t send me a blank sheet of paper, Gladys, that was not funny last time.
Avery is fully checked out, but she’s got to go the distance if she’s going to reap the financial benefits of this season, so she asks Ash to drop her off someplace he’ll never find her. When that doesn’t work, she suggests different hotels. Ash looks at her with his cracker trap hanging open, a Red Bull rolled up in his shirt sleeve, totally fine. “That is very selfish of you. You’re not putting my needs above yours.”
Ash: If you want this to work, we have to be very honest with each other. Now, tell me what I want to hear.
Avery: Is that a police car? Oh, I was just waving hello. I’m going to ahead and wave again...and again...
Ash: You’re deflating the tires of my spirit. I feel there is tension between us.
Avery: Can this car go any faster? I can just walk. Yeah, I’ll just walk.
She goes into the hotel, right out the back door, into a cab, and to an unadvertised airbnb with security. Good thinking.
The next day Avery proves herself to be one of three people who can make tight overalls work, and enjoys a peaceful cab ride alone to meet Sian and Taj. Ash decides that the fact that Avery showed up must mean that she loves him, and that she plans to repeatedly prove it to him until she dies. Scrappy youth Taj is forced to hug a stranger, and announces that he’s got jokes. After something about cat cannibalism, Taj drags it back to his instagram. There’s something about Ash that rhymes with…yeah, it’s narcissism. That is the something about Ash.
Sian and Avery both agree they need some alcohol, so they whisk away to a wine bar for a little sesh on how dating Ash inspires wearing a full body suit of Nerf. Avery resists smashing the first wine bottle she sees against the side of the table to chug it, glass and all, to get up outta down under. Instead she asks for the deets, and Sian is very aware that she’s on camera, talking about the father of her child. Let’s pause, because this is the only time this has happened, and might be the last: Someone actually thought of the children. Mind, blow.
“I’m shocked,” Ed interrupts, talking about something else.
Sian carefully says that Ash has grown a lot since they were together, and they’ve been divorced for about a year. Avery was under the impression that they’ve been divorced for ten years, but this could be connected to his tendency to be hyperbolic.
“Why do you say this? You’re flaying at my core in a masculine way, and that’s not what you want, as a woman.” Sit down, Ash.
Avery brings up the hypothetical move to the US of A, and Sian’s face is exactly what you’d expect. She says that Taj is her world, and she can’t even fathom him being elsewhere which (again) is exactly what you’d expect from a loving mother. Avery says this is what she expected after listening to his trash can seminar, so thanks for the confirmation. Sian goes on to say that it makes more sense for Ash to be going back and forth to see Avery, instead of making a child negotiate being abandoned by his father or yanked away from his mother, because logic. Avery appreciates the honesty, and says she would never want to do anything to disrupt their family or a child’s welfare.
Happy Mother’s Day, Sian and Avery, you’re killing it.
“And you’re killing me,” Ash interjects.
Though not technically the next stop in the narrative, I’m going to make a sharp detour towards Ed and Rose, to remind us all why we’re still watching this season. Ed’s scraggly face appears to remind us how seriously he took her preferences. Rose gets comfortable in her chair, because it’s going to take charts and graphs to truly underscore she’s smarter than him.
Rose tells him that he doesn’t love her, and doesn’t love her son, and didn’t put any time and effort into getting to know her son, and she’s very hurt. Ed is shocked by this, because no, he doesn’t see how he treats her, because this isn’t about her. He leaps over the reference to her son, and insists he fell in love with her on Facebook, and expected her to be two dimensional when he arrived. He dumbly dangles the potential proposal, and she says his behavior is not good, and he’s a liar, she’s done, and doesn’t want to waste her time. To close out, Rose asks him to please change his behavior, so he doesn’t hurt another woman.
Ed: So you think I’m bad. I’m a bad person, okay.
Rose: You are.
AND THE CROWD GOES WILD. Ed storms off in a huff, while Rose heads to their hotel room to pack her stuff and banish his sweaty groveling once and for all. She says she feels sad, because Ed doesn’t own his mistakes, and she misses her son, so she’s bouncing to the airport to see about changing her flight and her phone number. Rose confesses that she liked Ed before because he gave her respect, but she sees the true Ed now. “I never see romantic comedy, so I don’t think man-baby cute. I’ll meet my true king in the future.”
This chick is 21 and has it together more than Darcey.
Ed is left wandering around the hotel grounds, creeping out the other residents, reasserting his bewilderment that after 28 years of waiting, women are still people.
Feeling good? Say goodbye to that, because we’re on to round whatever of Steph’s boring lesbian fake-out. This time she’s pretending to have any intention of coming out to her mother over Skype. Erika is exactly as convinced of this as all of us at home, but she agrees to participate in the call so she has something to do while drinking her coffee. True to form, Steph teases the possibility for several beats, while her mom interrogates her about her health decisions, and then Steph closes with a confession that she…went shark diving. The look on Erika’s face suggests she wishes she were still down there with better company.
I’m not saying that Steph should rush coming out, but she should probably be gay first. Also, fuck you completely 90DF producers for giving us this shit-show to wade into instead of a legit queer union. Glad they’re doing their part to perpetuate the heterosexual fantasy of how lesbians operate, right down to the Barbie dream girl who just can’t.
Later they go to Erika’s friend’s house for game night, which at my house is Angry Skipbo, a hobby that will cease the minute it’s possible to enter a restaurant without contracting a terminal disease. Steph’s friends have more interesting options, including a game called Privacy, which is about to enjoy a sales surge on Amazon. It’s like truth or dare for people who want to get divorced, and yes I would like to play this.
Adam tries to bait Stephanie into rage-quitting before they’ve even chosen a Dungeon Master, but Stephanie is determined to pretend to be interested in these people she’s never going to see again. The first question is if you’ve ever woken up next to someone you don’t remember meeting the night before, and forgetting what game they’re playing, Stephanie drinks. She worries that it’s going to be a judgmental space, which should tell you everything about Stephanie’s friends, and is relieved to see it’s…fun? Later Steph tells everyone that she worries they’ll think she’s some psychopath from America, when she’s never been diagnosed with that. Then they all tap beer cozies and giggle into the night.
Don’t start hoping for an unexpected twist that involves them behaving like a couple. The next morning they “wake up” in bed fully clothed and made up, to talk about Steph’s upcoming departure. Stephanie is concerned this will jeopardize the no-trust she has, because, “It’s really hard to trust someone from thousands of miles away. Or in person. Or at all.”
Then Erika comes running up from behind with a verbal folding chair, and says she doesn’t want to be kept secret from Steph’s family forever, because she had an on/off relationship for ten years with a “friend” where that was the case, and she hated it. Oops, did she forget to mention that ten year on/off union? This story is so unbelievable I’m starting to long for Yolanda, and I’m going to go ahead and put all my chips on that Claire chick with the side ponytail as Erika’s ten year romance that wasn’t, because a girl can dream.
Stephanie is shocked that this was kept under wraps and away from her open mind that always considers the needs of others, and prepares for detonation. I mean, ten year relationships are things you usually talk about like you were in prison together, but this is a relationship based on woke cred and like buttons, so yeah. As the argument escalates, Stephanie brilliantly blurts, “Do you know how many friends you have?” She rattles off some names, throws a dish, and storms out. Erika looks down, and I’m going to guess she’s trying not to laugh.
Steph returns to announce to Erika that she’s definitely going to use this against here, possibly forever, and it’s going to be her rationale for the sexless nature of their cyber relationship. Erika says she totes knew Steph was going to do that, and Erika calls her on the fact that she’s never going to tell her mother a damn thing. Steph insists that her mom is the only one who cares about her, and so Erika is all “Well why don’t you MARRY HER?” I’d say this would be a good time for more popcorn, except that there has to be a believable relationship at the outset to feel engaged by their hostility.
Anyway, Stephanie says they’re done, which is what you do with someone you want to be with “forever” after you find out they were hurt by an ex, and with no hesitation at all Erika’s packs her bag and bounces to her parents’ house.
Sidebar: While this season has a wealth of shitty people, at least they’re trying to balance it with folks willing to pull their card.
Anyway, downright we’re going back to David, who is a changed man. You can tell this by his Johnny Cash Columbine trench coat. He says he tried to walk away from Lana, and made it two weeks before he felt lonely. When they resumed talking, Lana said that she now lives in Kiev with her sister, and so David is hoping the fifth attempt will be the winner, since there are five points on a pentacle, and he can summon her from the center of the star.
Once his plane lands, Lana sends him a message revealing that she has a lot of important needlepoint to do, but she can meet him on Monday. David is starting to maybe kind of a little suspect something that, I dunno, might be weird. So the next day he’s coated up to meet with an investigator a second time, a pitiable translator at his heels. David asks said investigator if he did any actual investigating, and the guy looks like he’s two pints deep. Plot twist: the investigator is also a scammer! The investigator says he doesn’t understand why someone would choose a hockey game over meeting a great love, and David calls him negative, which is American for logical…even though David had the same damn thought the day before.
“I did one google, and I find fake profile,” he explains through the translator. “One Lana, two Lana, three Lana, four. It is like Russian doll of Lanas. So very investigate.”
David is a salty dog. “I didn’t hit you up for an opinion, my dude, I was hunting for a criminal record, an address, divorce papers, the sort of shit Maury Povich could come up with.”
I’m going to go ahead and give this one to David, because I’d be kinda pissed if I paid a PI to tell me what he assumes is true. He could at least produce some kind of documentation that shows all the accounts are owned by the same person, or where money is being wired, etc. David declares the investigator fired, and the PI says he’ll just wait for Rebecca to refer more clients.
Meanwhile, David salvaged a shirt from the set sale for the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and he’s not afraid to iron it. Apparently, Lana can iron shirts three times faster than David, which underscores the sort of riveting conversations these two have. He hits the plastic of his hair with a brush, daubs a little Love’s Baby Soft behind his ears and the back of his knees, and brings out the men-in-black coat, because he hurt himself today to see if he still feels.
David heads out to their agreed upon destination with a bag full of chocolates and random lotions and stuff, determined to wait there until she’s done having a medical emergency, attending a funeral, and getting cold feet. Ten minutes deep into the wait she strolls up, looking exactly like her photos, which is the first surprise this show has foisted upon us in ever. Do either of these two speak the other’s language? That will be surprise #2.
Next week, 90DF is so starved for footage that we get to watch Darcey put on face masks with her daughters, Geoffrey moves on to his next crime, Ed sulks around in a mayo stained pink shirt, Lisa Lisa’s around Nigeria, and Yolanda stares at her phone. Not even any sign of jokes. This is gonna hurt.
THANK YOU PATREON SUPPORTERS! Patreon.com/fractalfay
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2020.04.20 21:30 fractalfay He’s my destiny, my everything: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E09

Welcome to another recap of Before the 90 Days, where a casting director needs to be pulled into a closed-door meeting to review what an actual couple looks like. For example, often at least two people are involved, and one of them is not a phone or a police officer.
This season should have ended with Ed fumbling around a hog pen yelling “SONOFABITCH,” because unless Paul intends to make a body-condom cameo with Danielle riding on his shoulders screaming bitchassslutasswhore, there is no way they’re going to top that. Still, let’s check back in on Sad Stephanie, the least convincing bisexual since that girl who grabbed your boob at a wedding reception and said she thought it would be funny.
Erika called Relationship Coach Ash for insight, and got the silky smooth advice to arrive armed with apology flowers. She tells Stephanie that she would like the chance to do something wrong before Steph shuts her out, but Steph knows that dating aps on phones = one of the five points of the cheating pentacle, and if it jumps to the second point (68 text messages from different women), they’re going to be dangerously close to summoning Evelin. So instead of moving on and introducing a second topic of conversation, Stephanie pivots to the party she’s decided to ruin, and the fact that some of Erika’s friendships make her “uncomfortable.” Is this semantic satiation? When will this word become a dog?
Declaration of this emotion is supposed to bend inconvenient reality, but no matter how many times she professes this, Erika still has had sex before. That’s really inconsiderate, Erika. Could you at least puts your hands on a rock like that chick from Outlander and have sex in another time? Steph should just assume that anyone who comes from a small town has had sex with 80% of the population, only sparing immediate biological relations, teachers over 30, and the guy who sleeps in an abandoned train car and buys everyone beer. What is there to do in a small town? Each other.
Steph notes that her history with illness tells her that she needs to destroy the relationship early, and not drag it out for a number of years until they’re regretting living arrangements and labeling their food in the fridge thoughtful things like, “not fucking yours, asshole.” So Steph borings her way to Erika’s party, sporting her edgiest leather jacket to ratchet her street cred up to -16, which is somewhere between High School Musical and Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. Animated Erika looks like she’s about to touch her earring to summon the Holograms and Synergy, but beforehand asks Stephanie to weigh in on her jewelry choices. Pro tip: if Steph tells you that a choker is “a little much,” then wear five, because a third color or a second idea is a little too much for Stephanie.
They arrive at the party, and as an introvert, Steph needs to find a dog or cat to pet or something to clean STAT, or she’s going to be stuck looking for the hidden library book for the next three hours. I’m okay with her borrowing my go-to introvert introduction: “I can’t believe I made it!” Instead she opts for, “It’s cold out here!” Ah, complaint bonding. This will go well.
Erika scoots around the party in her electrified, Bowie-inspired, candy-raver ensembles, and appears to be trying to get away from Stephanie or find the good drugs. She falls to her knees to appease the beer bong Gods, which is dangerously close to having fun, and Steph briefly appears to be two-fisting it before she passes the other one off to Erika. Erika’s friend Adam hovers around, dispensing more affection than Steph has allotted to everyone in her orbit for the last three years. Soon Steph wields a drink like a weapon, antibiotics dipping and tugging at her intestines, moving in on Adam to see if he has a heart-on for Erika.
“So…you’re the one who does stuff,” Steph is ready. “That makes me uncomfortable.”
Erika: EVERYONE DRINK!
Adam: Shouldn’t you have sex with someone before you ask them to not have sex with anyone else?
Steph: Uncomfortable comfortable which is uncomfortable and demands! I don’t know. Illness. I’m a little bit of a prude. Why are you laughing?
Somewhere else at the party: I’m telling you, Americans are weird. They fold dollar bills into shapes that look like 9-11. They have Bigfoot, like, everywhere.
Erika: Oh fuck this already.
Adam: I mean, most of us here have done butt stuff together, so I don’t get how a little tonsil hockey is an issue.
At the card table: Go fish, bitch!
Erika is hustled away by concerned friends, and Stephanie breaks down what just happened as “every time I express my feelings, Erika storms off.” Plural? Has anyone seen evidence of Stephanie having two emotions? Is the second one hunger? When Adam points out that everyone has a dating history, Stephanie retorts, “This is so fucked up. In America, we divorce our past before we start our next demanding platonic friendship.”
Erika’s friends are consoling her in the other room, and have become defensive of Erika as Steph tries to vampire the life out of her to preserve her youth. They express concern about her jealousy issues, and how Erika is not herself when Steph is around…a conversation that continues when Steph appears and interrupts, and good on Friend Erika for not distilling her observations for the fragile femme and her fainting couch. Steph of course freaks out, her record skipping on the same two statements, and then declares, “There’s no winning, I’m just going to be the bad guy” before she storms off.
Did she storm off to reflect upon her behavior, and to consider that irrational jealousy is a Steph-problem, not an Erika one? Of course not. Instead Steph once again taps her illness to rationalize her latest ridiculous fit, and says she needs something to control, and has apparently chosen a person. Will someone please get her a therapist?
“I can help her with this.” No Ash, sit down.
Lost and feeling alone, Steph calls her enabler Heather so someone will agree with her. Heather shares Steph’s appalled reaction to the presence of former flames, because I mean, she has never had sex with Stephanie, for example. Heather advises Steph to go back to the hotel, since that’s what she wants to do anyway, and sleep on it.
“I’m not even sure I want this relationship anymore,” Steph confesses, as an Uber approaches to take her back to the hotel, speaking to the no one who believes she ever wanted this relationship.
In a place in Nigeria that is going to need to be cleaned, Billy-Goat Lisa and Usman meet up with Usman’s older brother Muhammad to see if there’s some way to coax a blessing out of Usman’s Queen Mother. When you enter the 9th ring of matriarch, you must be capitalized. Lisa, for whatever reason, hasn’t been able to piece together the “why,” because she lost her birth certificate and thinks she’s 25. Usman makes his case to Muhammad by discussing the economic opportunities in America, which he will reap as soon as he gets that green card and says deuces to York, PA. Lisa, in turn, describes him as her “destiny, my everything” in case you weren’t already cringing.
Darcey: Cringe? Twin flame?
Nicole: Love of your life? Are you going to make berbers?
Jenny: Are you going to be together forever?
Big Ed: I’m in the FILL-A-PEEEEEENS.
Muhammad: I don’t know what any of these white women are talking about, but I know my mother is going to say no, because she makes sense. Lisa is old and smells like Newports and Four Loko. Usman must convince Queen Mother they’ll be married for about a year, but that won’t happen until the season finale.
Two long days later Muhammad’s non-existent efforts fail, so Usman and Lisa decide to go to the mosque so Lisa can perform caring about his family and their values. Lisa has been studying Angela’s segments, and starts referring to Usman’s mother as “mommy” though she hasn’t been invited to call her anything at all. The contrast between these two women is staggering. I don’t know what magic Angela cooks on a muscle car’s radiator, but Lisa would like to borrow some please.
Angela: Mama! Jambo! We brought you a microwave, a VCR, electricity, and did you say something about an engagement party? Well dance me out mama, dance me out! Use that rattle to shake an egg free. Nakupenda! Wait, are we doing Igbo and not Swahili? ị mara mma! Daalụ mama!
Lisa: (Stares blankly, lips a line, looking like she’s about to ride in Eliot’s basket in ET and complain about it, or like a reverse Kaonashi.) Can we have your blessing now? Now? How bout now? Can we have your blessing now? I’m a Christian, but I’ll walk awkwardly into your wrong church. Usman, the beads. THE BEADS. THE BEADS. HEY USMAN, ARE YOU PRAYING? CAN YOU HAND ME SOME BEADS! IT’S THE BEADS PART. OVER HERE, IN THE LADIES’ SECTION. IS THIS RELIGION? USMAN! USMAN! BEADS!
The entire row of women is visibly annoyed that Lisa’s interrupting their prayer with a half-hearted peacemaking attempt that’s happening exclusively so she can steal this woman’s son away. Seriously, a puppy has better church manners than Lisa musters in a relatively simple call to prayer, especially since she doesn’t have to manage one of those kneeling benches and an overzealous preacher splashing holy water on everyone, or one of those flower cloaks they wore in Midsommar.
Afterwards, Usman looks even more hopeless. They barely wobble out of the mosque, and Lisa is fixing her would-be mother-in-law with an insincere smile, as always asking no questions or presenting any behavior that would suggest curiosity in another person.
“I will not say that she did well, because she is Lisa, and she wasn’t really trying,” Usman explains.
“Usman, translate. Ask her if we can have her blessing. I bought a goat, and did the mosque thing, so we should be good, right?”
Queen Mother is not having it. “She is too old for him, and too ridiculous for me. I’m not giving my blessing, because I have eyes and ears, and that is all.”
Mother Varya: Teach me.
Cruising along on a neighboring planet is Stalker David, clutching his laptop, logged in to an app he pays for, waiting for Lana to cut and paste a few phrases from her Big Book off Empty Expressions. He asks her to meet him at 2pm, and for whatever reason believes that is going to happen. He translator apps his way through a flower shop, because in seven years of trading emojis with a bot, he didn’t bother to learn basic Russian phrases.
He shows up at the restaurant and orders champagne with two glasses, one for himself and one for his phone. His app asks, “Is there somewhere I could do a truck stop shower?” Nerves made Stalker David fully sweat through his original garment, which he furiously shoves into the bathroom garbage can while screaming, “Stupid! Stupid” at his reflection in the mirror. Repping Pink Floyd with a new edgy ensemble that would meet Stephanie’s Teen Vogue approval, he returns to the table to stare at the phone.
“I’m willing it to open and release Lana from her technological prison. I’ve been tapping the screen, but it’s not enough. I don’t want to hurt her. Maybe I can shake her loose.” He rattles his phone before opening the bottle of champagne. “Maybe a little champagne will help you relax, Phone. Glug glug glug! That’s good, huh? Now let my girlfriend out. LET HER OUT!”
After a couple of hours it finally dawns on him that she’s not going to show up and his phone negotiations have failed, so the manager swoops in like a flowers gangster to snatch the roses she tucked into the tough-luck vase she keeps handy for such occasions. She tells the cameras that this happens all the time, and every single time the man in question is staring at an unreasonably attractive woman on his phone that he has no ability to talk to without electronics.
“I see older American all the time, always looking for Lana. I say why can’t you google and they cannot. They sit there, playing drop fruit game on phone, crushing candy, then leave without flowers. I send them back to my sister, who owns flower shop, and then she sells again. If you stick around, you’ll see them second time at 5pm.” I like this woman.
Finally, David busts out his GPS as a reminder that this is what he always planned to do, and plugs in the fake address Lana gave him. No matter how high this con stacks, he always seems to assume there’s a finger of true information in there. Before heading out to get arrested David calls his friend Jim, and Jim expresses exactly as much surprise as all of us are experiencing at home. After David hangs up Jim calls the producers to make sure that David doesn’t have duct tape and a tarp in his trunk, and 90DF alerts the authorities in advance. Then David drives there, heads up to lucky number 8, and knocks on the door. This is where they cut away, so we’ll have to tune in next week to see the middle-aged man/woman who will declare that Lana doesn’t live here. This is suspense, by 90DF standards.
In Australia, Avery is terrified by a spider in the car window, and since it doesn’t appear on camera let’s just assume it was the size of a cat. Avery and Ash go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, which is an excellent use of time for not-on-vacation Avery and hoping-to-not-talk Ash. They snorkel around holding hands, looking at the fish ducking in and out of the reef, and this is the sort of plan that Erika should have considered to make Stephanie uncomfortable, but silent. After they get out of the water and half remove wetsuits, Avery thinks it’s time to bring up the sketchiness of his coaching business, and whether he follows some kind of guidelines.
“No,” Ash explains. “There are 245 positions outlined in the Kama Sutra, if that’s what you mean. The condoms I use are ribbed for her pleasure, which is important if you want her to feel heard.”
Avery is unimpressed. “You got 68 text messages this morning, and all of them are from different women.”
Ash gets defensive because the gig is almost up, and says that he’s single right now, okay, so he doesn’t have to answer this. Avery is visibly shook by this statement, since she could have easily scored a hookup back home, and could have sworn by all those breakups that there was something in place to break. He quickly walks it back and claims to have misspoke, and points out that there are pictures of her on his instagram, which would be enough to appease Yolanda.
“He doesn’t want me to meet his ex or his kid, and has a shady business that involves women exclusively, who are apparently welcome to text him at any hour of the day. Does anyone else detect the faint scent of doom?” This will only grow stronger in the coming weeks, as she observes his imitation of Frank TJ Mackey of “respect the cock” Magnolia fame during one of his enlightened relationship seminars.
That leaves only Yolanda and Darcey. Sigh. These stories are so sad and ridiculous and boring and unbelievable, I’m just going to make some shit up.
Yolanda: I’m a giraffe.
Exhausted Daughter: Let’s do a google image search on giraffe. Do you think you look like a giraffe mom?
Yolanda: I’m a giraffe!
Daughter: What about me? Does that make me a baby giraffe?
Yolanda: What? Is that a phone?
David: Looks like a girlfriend to me!
Daughter: Giraffes. The subject is giraffes.
Yolanda: Oh. I’m a giraffe.
Daughter: For fuck’s sake mom.
Big Ed: I have a hard time with giraffes, because I have a skin condition. What is the thread count on that giraffe?
Williams: Hi Yolanda, I’m a figment of your imagination. Will you get counseling now to help you with your grief?
Yolanda: Are you playing “superstitious” on a synthesizer, or is that in my head?
Daughter: (sound of door slamming, car burning out of driveway.)
Yolanda: My daughter must have left to go get some more instagrams. Do you think the circus needs a giraffe? Because I believe in myself.
Darcey: What am I doing here in these glasses from Blade Runner? Feeling alone and like I’m not good enough. If I squeeze my face hard enough I might be able to milk out a few tears.
Stacey: It’s like I’m faking empathy. Don’t squeeze it like that, squeeze it like this. Do I have tears?
Yolanda: You should believe in Tom and other things that aren’t real.
Easter bunny: Did someone call for a magical creature? This is all an awake, and everyone else is dreaming.
Yolanda: Oh, is it parade season? And me without a hat. Guess this machete will have to do.
David: Can I borrow that? I’m disturbing!
Geoffrey: I thought we agreed that I would be the person traumatizing viewers?
Donna Summers: I feel love, I feel love, I feel love.
Darcey: Great. This reminds me of Tom. He wasn’t going to tell me about the escort in those photos.
Ash: Did someone say escort? I think I can help you, Darcey…
Yolanda: Me and this orange and this banana love dancing to this song. I rub them both in my hair and call it getting juiced.
Big Ed: I can weigh in with beauty tips, if we’re talking food, but my specialty is condiments.
Darcey: Can you inject those?
Donna Summers: It’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good…
Yolanda: Who put these clogs on my hands? STOP YELLING!
Ed: SONOFABITCH!
Scene.
Next week Avery is forced to endure the self-serving pseudo wisdom of an Ash hookup seminar, Erika tries to escape the only conversation Stephanie is capable of having, Ed brings up Maria’s money request because he’s hoping Rose’s family will remain dirt poor after they’re married, and Usman explains to his mother that Lisa loves him and he’s trying to have a hip-hop career. Finally, thirsty for more screen time, Tom makes the drive to Connecticut to explain that when he said she gained weight and that she makes him miserable, he really meant I love you. I think this relationship has been in a Lifetime movie before.
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2020.04.20 21:30 fractalfay He’s my destiny, my everything: Recap of Before the 90 Days S04E09

Welcome to another recap of Before the 90 Days, where a casting director needs to be pulled into a closed-door meeting to review what an actual couple looks like. For example, often at least two people are involved, and one of them is not a phone or a police officer.
This season should have ended with Ed fumbling around a hog pen yelling “SONOFABITCH,” because unless Paul intends to make a body-condom cameo with Danielle riding on his shoulders screaming bitchassslutasswhore, there is no way they’re going to top that. Still, let’s check back in on Sad Stephanie, the least convincing bisexual since that girl who grabbed your boob at a wedding reception and said she thought it would be funny.
Erika called Relationship Coach Ash for insight, and got the silky smooth advice to arrive armed with apology flowers. She tells Stephanie that she would like the chance to do something wrong before Steph shuts her out, but Steph knows that dating aps on phones = one of the five points of the cheating pentacle, and if it jumps to the second point (68 text messages from different women), they’re going to be dangerously close to summoning Evelin. So instead of moving on and introducing a second topic of conversation, Stephanie pivots to the party she’s decided to ruin, and the fact that some of Erika’s friendships make her “uncomfortable.” Is this semantic satiation? When will this word become a dog?
Declaration of this emotion is supposed to bend inconvenient reality, but no matter how many times she professes this, Erika still has had sex before. That’s really inconsiderate, Erika. Could you at least puts your hands on a rock like that chick from Outlander and have sex in another time? Steph should just assume that anyone who comes from a small town has had sex with 80% of the population, only sparing immediate biological relations, teachers over 30, and the guy who sleeps in an abandoned train car and buys everyone beer. What is there to do in a small town? Each other.
Steph notes that her history with illness tells her that she needs to destroy the relationship early, and not drag it out for a number of years until they’re regretting living arrangements and labeling their food in the fridge thoughtful things like, “not fucking yours, asshole.” So Steph borings her way to Erika’s party, sporting her edgiest leather jacket to ratchet her street cred up to -16, which is somewhere between High School Musical and Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. Animated Erika looks like she’s about to touch her earring to summon the Holograms and Synergy, but beforehand asks Stephanie to weigh in on her jewelry choices. Pro tip: if Steph tells you that a choker is “a little much,” then wear five, because a third color or a second idea is a little too much for Stephanie.
They arrive at the party, and as an introvert, Steph needs to find a dog or cat to pet or something to clean STAT, or she’s going to be stuck looking for the hidden library book for the next three hours. I’m okay with her borrowing my go-to introvert introduction: “I can’t believe I made it!” Instead she opts for, “It’s cold out here!” Ah, complaint bonding. This will go well.
Erika scoots around the party in her electrified, Bowie-inspired, candy-raver ensembles, and appears to be trying to get away from Stephanie or find the good drugs. She falls to her knees to appease the beer bong Gods, which is dangerously close to having fun, and Steph briefly appears to be two-fisting it before she passes the other one off to Erika. Erika’s friend Adam hovers around, dispensing more affection than Steph has allotted to everyone in her orbit for the last three years. Soon Steph wields a drink like a weapon, antibiotics dipping and tugging at her intestines, moving in on Adam to see if he has a heart-on for Erika.
“So…you’re the one who does stuff,” Steph is ready. “That makes me uncomfortable.”
Erika: EVERYONE DRINK!
Adam: Shouldn’t you have sex with someone before you ask them to not have sex with anyone else?
Steph: Uncomfortable comfortable which is uncomfortable and demands! I don’t know. Illness. I’m a little bit of a prude. Why are you laughing?
Somewhere else at the party: I’m telling you, Americans are weird. They fold dollar bills into shapes that look like 9-11. They have Bigfoot, like, everywhere.
Erika: Oh fuck this already.
Adam: I mean, most of us here have done butt stuff together, so I don’t get how a little tonsil hockey is an issue.
At the card table: Go fish, bitch!
Erika is hustled away by concerned friends, and Stephanie breaks down what just happened as “every time I express my feelings, Erika storms off.” Plural? Has anyone seen evidence of Stephanie having two emotions? Is the second one hunger? When Adam points out that everyone has a dating history, Stephanie retorts, “This is so fucked up. In America, we divorce our past before we start our next demanding platonic friendship.”
Erika’s friends are consoling her in the other room, and have become defensive of Erika as Steph tries to vampire the life out of her to preserve her youth. They express concern about her jealousy issues, and how Erika is not herself when Steph is around…a conversation that continues when Steph appears and interrupts, and good on Friend Erika for not distilling her observations for the fragile femme and her fainting couch. Steph of course freaks out, her record skipping on the same two statements, and then declares, “There’s no winning, I’m just going to be the bad guy” before she storms off.
Did she storm off to reflect upon her behavior, and to consider that irrational jealousy is a Steph-problem, not an Erika one? Of course not. Instead Steph once again taps her illness to rationalize her latest ridiculous fit, and says she needs something to control, and has apparently chosen a person. Will someone please get her a therapist?
“I can help her with this.” No Ash, sit down.
Lost and feeling alone, Steph calls her enabler Heather so someone will agree with her. Heather shares Steph’s appalled reaction to the presence of former flames, because I mean, she has never had sex with Stephanie, for example. Heather advises Steph to go back to the hotel, since that’s what she wants to do anyway, and sleep on it.
“I’m not even sure I want this relationship anymore,” Steph confesses, as an Uber approaches to take her back to the hotel, speaking to the no one who believes she ever wanted this relationship.
In a place in Nigeria that is going to need to be cleaned, Billy-Goat Lisa and Usman meet up with Usman’s older brother Muhammad to see if there’s some way to coax a blessing out of Usman’s Queen Mother. When you enter the 9th ring of matriarch, you must be capitalized. Lisa, for whatever reason, hasn’t been able to piece together the “why,” because she lost her birth certificate and thinks she’s 25. Usman makes his case to Muhammad by discussing the economic opportunities in America, which he will reap as soon as he gets that green card and says deuces to York, PA. Lisa, in turn, describes him as her “destiny, my everything” in case you weren’t already cringing.
Darcey: Cringe? Twin flame?
Nicole: Love of your life? Are you going to make berbers?
Jenny: Are you going to be together forever?
Big Ed: I’m in the FILL-A-PEEEEEENS.
Muhammad: I don’t know what any of these white women are talking about, but I know my mother is going to say no, because she makes sense. Lisa is old and smells like Newports and Four Loko. Usman must convince Queen Mother they’ll be married for about a year, but that won’t happen until the season finale.
Two long days later Muhammad’s non-existent efforts fail, so Usman and Lisa decide to go to the mosque so Lisa can perform caring about his family and their values. Lisa has been studying Angela’s segments, and starts referring to Usman’s mother as “mommy” though she hasn’t been invited to call her anything at all. The contrast between these two women is staggering. I don’t know what magic Angela cooks on a muscle car’s radiator, but Lisa would like to borrow some please.
Angela: Mama! Jambo! We brought you a microwave, a VCR, electricity, and did you say something about an engagement party? Well dance me out mama, dance me out! Use that rattle to shake an egg free. Nakupenda! Wait, are we doing Igbo and not Swahili? ị mara mma! Daalụ mama!
Lisa: (Stares blankly, lips a line, looking like she’s about to ride in Eliot’s basket in ET and complain about it, or like a reverse Kaonashi.) Can we have your blessing now? Now? How bout now? Can we have your blessing now? I’m a Christian, but I’ll walk awkwardly into your wrong church. Usman, the beads. THE BEADS. THE BEADS. HEY USMAN, ARE YOU PRAYING? CAN YOU HAND ME SOME BEADS! IT’S THE BEADS PART. OVER HERE, IN THE LADIES’ SECTION. IS THIS RELIGION? USMAN! USMAN! BEADS!
The entire row of women is visibly annoyed that Lisa’s interrupting their prayer with a half-hearted peacemaking attempt that’s happening exclusively so she can steal this woman’s son away. Seriously, a puppy has better church manners than Lisa musters in a relatively simple call to prayer, especially since she doesn’t have to manage one of those kneeling benches and an overzealous preacher splashing holy water on everyone, or one of those flower cloaks they wore in Midsommar.
Afterwards, Usman looks even more hopeless. They barely wobble out of the mosque, and Lisa is fixing her would-be mother-in-law with an insincere smile, as always asking no questions or presenting any behavior that would suggest curiosity in another person.
“I will not say that she did well, because she is Lisa, and she wasn’t really trying,” Usman explains.
“Usman, translate. Ask her if we can have her blessing. I bought a goat, and did the mosque thing, so we should be good, right?”
Queen Mother is not having it. “She is too old for him, and too ridiculous for me. I’m not giving my blessing, because I have eyes and ears, and that is all.”
Mother Varya: Teach me.
Cruising along on a neighboring planet is Stalker David, clutching his laptop, logged in to an app he pays for, waiting for Lana to cut and paste a few phrases from her Big Book off Empty Expressions. He asks her to meet him at 2pm, and for whatever reason believes that is going to happen. He translator apps his way through a flower shop, because in seven years of trading emojis with a bot, he didn’t bother to learn basic Russian phrases.
He shows up at the restaurant and orders champagne with two glasses, one for himself and one for his phone. His app asks, “Is there somewhere I could do a truck stop shower?” Nerves made Stalker David fully sweat through his original garment, which he furiously shoves into the bathroom garbage can while screaming, “Stupid! Stupid” at his reflection in the mirror. Repping Pink Floyd with a new edgy ensemble that would meet Stephanie’s Teen Vogue approval, he returns to the table to stare at the phone.
“I’m willing it to open and release Lana from her technological prison. I’ve been tapping the screen, but it’s not enough. I don’t want to hurt her. Maybe I can shake her loose.” He rattles his phone before opening the bottle of champagne. “Maybe a little champagne will help you relax, Phone. Glug glug glug! That’s good, huh? Now let my girlfriend out. LET HER OUT!”
After a couple of hours it finally dawns on him that she’s not going to show up and his phone negotiations have failed, so the manager swoops in like a flowers gangster to snatch the roses she tucked into the tough-luck vase she keeps handy for such occasions. She tells the cameras that this happens all the time, and every single time the man in question is staring at an unreasonably attractive woman on his phone that he has no ability to talk to without electronics.
“I see older American all the time, always looking for Lana. I say why can’t you google and they cannot. They sit there, playing drop fruit game on phone, crushing candy, then leave without flowers. I send them back to my sister, who owns flower shop, and then she sells again. If you stick around, you’ll see them second time at 5pm.” I like this woman.
Finally, David busts out his GPS as a reminder that this is what he always planned to do, and plugs in the fake address Lana gave him. No matter how high this con stacks, he always seems to assume there’s a finger of true information in there. Before heading out to get arrested David calls his friend Jim, and Jim expresses exactly as much surprise as all of us are experiencing at home. After David hangs up Jim calls the producers to make sure that David doesn’t have duct tape and a tarp in his trunk, and 90DF alerts the authorities in advance. Then David drives there, heads up to lucky number 8, and knocks on the door. This is where they cut away, so we’ll have to tune in next week to see the middle-aged man/woman who will declare that Lana doesn’t live here. This is suspense, by 90DF standards.
In Australia, Avery is terrified by a spider in the car window, and since it doesn’t appear on camera let’s just assume it was the size of a cat. Avery and Ash go snorkeling in the Great Barrier Reef, which is an excellent use of time for not-on-vacation Avery and hoping-to-not-talk Ash. They snorkel around holding hands, looking at the fish ducking in and out of the reef, and this is the sort of plan that Erika should have considered to make Stephanie uncomfortable, but silent. After they get out of the water and half remove wetsuits, Avery thinks it’s time to bring up the sketchiness of his coaching business, and whether he follows some kind of guidelines.
“No,” Ash explains. “There are 245 positions outlined in the Kama Sutra, if that’s what you mean. The condoms I use are ribbed for her pleasure, which is important if you want her to feel heard.”
Avery is unimpressed. “You got 68 text messages this morning, and all of them are from different women.”
Ash gets defensive because the gig is almost up, and says that he’s single right now, okay, so he doesn’t have to answer this. Avery is visibly shook by this statement, since she could have easily scored a hookup back home, and could have sworn by all those breakups that there was something in place to break. He quickly walks it back and claims to have misspoke, and points out that there are pictures of her on his instagram, which would be enough to appease Yolanda.
“He doesn’t want me to meet his ex or his kid, and has a shady business that involves women exclusively, who are apparently welcome to text him at any hour of the day. Does anyone else detect the faint scent of doom?” This will only grow stronger in the coming weeks, as she observes his imitation of Frank TJ Mackey of “respect the cock” Magnolia fame during one of his enlightened relationship seminars.
That leaves only Yolanda and Darcey. Sigh. These stories are so sad and ridiculous and boring and unbelievable, I’m just going to make some shit up.
Yolanda: I’m a giraffe.
Exhausted Daughter: Let’s do a google image search on giraffe. Do you think you look like a giraffe mom?
Yolanda: I’m a giraffe!
Daughter: What about me? Does that make me a baby giraffe?
Yolanda: What? Is that a phone?
David: Looks like a girlfriend to me!
Daughter: Giraffes. The subject is giraffes.
Yolanda: Oh. I’m a giraffe.
Daughter: For fuck’s sake mom.
Big Ed: I have a hard time with giraffes, because I have a skin condition. What is the thread count on that giraffe?
Williams: Hi Yolanda, I’m a figment of your imagination. Will you get counseling now to help you with your grief?
Yolanda: Are you playing “superstitious” on a synthesizer, or is that in my head?
Daughter: (sound of door slamming, car burning out of driveway.)
Yolanda: My daughter must have left to go get some more instagrams. Do you think the circus needs a giraffe? Because I believe in myself.
Darcey: What am I doing here in these glasses from Blade Runner? Feeling alone and like I’m not good enough. If I squeeze my face hard enough I might be able to milk out a few tears.
Stacey: It’s like I’m faking empathy. Don’t squeeze it like that, squeeze it like this. Do I have tears?
Yolanda: You should believe in Tom and other things that aren’t real.
Easter bunny: Did someone call for a magical creature? This is all an awake, and everyone else is dreaming.
Yolanda: Oh, is it parade season? And me without a hat. Guess this machete will have to do.
David: Can I borrow that? I’m disturbing!
Geoffrey: I thought we agreed that I would be the person traumatizing viewers?
Donna Summers: I feel love, I feel love, I feel love.
Darcey: Great. This reminds me of Tom. He wasn’t going to tell me about the escort in those photos.
Ash: Did someone say escort? I think I can help you, Darcey…
Yolanda: Me and this orange and this banana love dancing to this song. I rub them both in my hair and call it getting juiced.
Big Ed: I can weigh in with beauty tips, if we’re talking food, but my specialty is condiments.
Darcey: Can you inject those?
Donna Summers: It’s so good, it’s so good, it’s so good…
Yolanda: Who put these clogs on my hands? STOP YELLING!
Ed: SONOFABITCH!
Scene.
Next week Avery is forced to endure the self-serving pseudo wisdom of an Ash hookup seminar, Erika tries to escape the only conversation Stephanie is capable of having, Ed brings up Maria’s money request because he’s hoping Rose’s family will remain dirt poor after they’re married, and Usman explains to his mother that Lisa loves him and he’s trying to have a hip-hop career. Finally, thirsty for more screen time, Tom makes the drive to Connecticut to explain that when he said she gained weight and that she makes him miserable, he really meant I love you. I think this relationship has been in a Lifetime movie before.
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2019.10.03 00:33 Cawdor23 My wife outsmarted me after she died

She sighed, forgot to breathe for a moment, then sucked in a gulp of air. The large machine with the oxygen tube stuck down her throat beeped lightly and the light went from green to red to green again.
She wasn’t really sighing. That’s what the doctor had told me at least. It was just some weird coincidence of the machine combined with her uneven breathing.
The sigh came again. The machine compensated a bit better this time, the green light staying green for the entire duration of the breath.
“Why couldn’t you have just died like you were supposed to?” I asked the brainless vegetable laying in front of me. Just like the previous times I had asked her this question, she didn’t respond, “At least I don’t have to listen to you anymore.”
A soft knock came from the door and I heard the now familiar voice of Nurse Yolanda, “Hello there Mr. Jeffries. How’s the old ball and chain doing today?”
She had a bit of gallows humor, a necessity when your job was taking care of people who should be dead but cling to life by a hair, which endeared her to me a bit.
I chuckled, then looked down at the thing that now was more tube and blanket than human, “Does it ever get easier? Seeing this?”
Her smile faded a bit, “I’ve been here quite a while Mr. Jeffries and I can tell you it absolutely does not. I mean, the pain of seeing a loved one like this never does. You may hide it better, sure, and the feelings fade faster after every visit, but they never really get easier.”
I had to keep up the facade of caring what happened to her for at least a couple more weeks. An interview with the cops and various attorneys had assured me they had no inkling about the true nature of Mary’s ‘Suicide’.
I decided to not respond to this and instead looked despondently at my soon to be former wife in the bed. The machine hummed and clicked as it forced air into her non-functioning lungs. Nurse Yolanda pulled the chart hooked to the front of Alice’s bed. Seemingly satisfied, she put the chart back down and asked, “Anything else I can do for you Mr. Jeffries?”
“No thank you. I have to get to a business meeting in a minute. So I won’t be staying much longer.” I stood up from the chair and was about to start exiting the room before I remembered something, “Actually, could you remind Dr. Roberts to send that paperwork to my office today? I know it may seem heartless but...I can’t stand seeing her like this. She wouldn’t want this. She would…”
The truth is she would’ve fought tooth and nail to keep herself alive. She was a bitch in that regard and couldn’t just die peacefully in her sleep like she was supposed to. I remembered the night all too well, watching her attempt to vomit the sleeping pills I mixed into her nightly wine when she realized what I had done to her. It was too late by then, of course, and had already had time to course it’s way through her stomach and cause massive internal bleeding.
And just like the stubborn bitch she was when she was alive, she managed to live through being poisoned and her screaming had forced me to call an ambulance. She had been cut off from oxygen for long enough to leave her brain dead with just enough life to support the husk of her body that currently lay in the bed.
I felt Yolanda’s hand on my shoulder, “Don’t beat yourself up. I’ve seen the scans myself. Whatever’s left of your wife isn't there.
I chuckled nervously. I wasn’t too worried about Yolanda picking up on it’s true intention as she had just told me the day before that people grieve in more ways than someone would expect, “Remind him if you could please?”
“Of course,” Yolanda said as she lifted her hand from my shoulder after giving it a light squeeze, “We’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”
I nodded and she left the room. I was about to follow her lead and head to the elevator to get out of this overbleached sterile hellscape but was surprised to find a well dressed middle aged man just outside the door.
“Adam Jeffries?” He had the look of a lawyer about him with the standard black briefcase with faux gold latches.
“That’s me. Are you from Katz and Warbourton? Because if you are you can send any paperwork to my office at--”
He interrupted me, “No. I’m from the offices of Ivern, Johnson, and Reynolds. We represent your wife, Alice Jeffries.”
This was news to me as I had never found anything in her paperwork about having an attorney on retainer besides mine, “There must be some mista--”
He held his hand forward towards me holding a manilla envelope, “No mistake sir, I assure you. Inside you’ll find enclosed a Health Directive stating Alice’s wishes, signed and verified just two weeks ago, about what to be done in the case of her current situation.” He must’ve seen the look on my face because he interrupted me before I could respond, “I’m also directed to give you this sealed letter if you object to the Health Directive.”
He opened his briefcase and pulled a sealed white envelope. I grabbed it and the manilla envelope, “You’ll be hearing from my--”
“Have a nice day sir.” He turned around and walked down the hall toward the elevator, not even giving me the courtesy of taking my verbal abuse before getting out of polite shouting distance.
The manilla envelope was blank and contained exactly what he said it did. The Health Directive showed, in no unclear detail, her wishes to be kept on life support indefinitely no matter the circumstances as long as her body was able to be supported by them. I was about to tear the Directive into pieces in the middle of the hospital hallway before I looked at the white envelope.
Unlike the manilla one, this had something written on the front of it in very familiar curved and looping handwriting
Adam.
Of course she had written a letter. That woman was a huge fan of dramatic letters.
I thought about ripping this up along with the Health Directive. She was brain dead and had no legal footing to keep herself alive as long as I was the only one to speak for her and HOW DARE she think she could do that when she couldn’t even think in any sense of the word.
Whatever was written in the letter, however, could give me some help in getting that Health Directive turned over. It was only from two weeks ago. Maybe I could use it as an example about how her mental state was deteriorating and the Health Directive should be null and void.
I found the chair just outside Alice’s room, I wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction of being in the same room as her when I read it, and opened the envelope. The inside of it held two things, a handwritten sheet of paper and a CD with something written on it.
Adam,
Surprised to hear from me? I would be, considering the amount of sleeping pills you probably slipped into my wine. Would it surprise you to find out that I never actually drank that wine? The Merlot with the tiny puncture hole in the cork on the top left-hand shelf of the fridge?
I’m not as dumb as you think I am.
Or maybe I am, considering what I’m about to do.
I don’t know whether this’ll work the way I want it to. Poisoning yourself into a permanent vegetable is harder than you would think. Had to calculate the dosage with my current weight and this is the most math I’ve had to do in a very long time. Of course if it doesn’t you’ll never read this letter and just land in front of a judge charged with murdering your wife.
Did you find the cameras around the house and in your office? Probably not if you were surprised with this letter in the hospital or hospice or wherever I end up with you trying to pull the plug on me.
You know my friend Irving? The one that works IT? He helped me set up the cameras to automatically record you and upload it to my computer. And boy was I surprised to find out you were planning to kill me! I just wanted to find out you were cheating on me.
I thought about just giving the recordings to the cops. But, as you can guess by this letter, I never did, or else you would be reading this from a jail cell.
I’ve thought of a much better prison for you.
Don’t bother trying to find those recordings either. My attorneys have copies stored in a secure cloud server and have instructions to release them to the police if you break any of these rules I have for you.
  1. You must visit me, wherever I am, at least five times a week for a minimum of two hour. If you don’t the recordings of your planning will be released to the police. I’ve paid a handsome sum to a lovely PI who will be checking on the visitation records at the hospital at random intervals to make sure you follow this.
  2. If I am declared dead, for any reason, then the recordings will be released to the cops. This includes if I end up dying of any natural causes while in the hospital. So you better do your best to keep me alive!
  3. If you ever file for divorce or our marriage becomes invalid for any reason those recordings will...you know what? You know what’ll happen.
  4. I obviously can’t stop you from fucking anyone else for too long, but I did make sure to pay that PI to check to make sure that lovely secretary Scarlet isn’t working at your office in about a month from now. If she is...well...
Just because you think you’re smart doesn’t mean I didn’t see exactly what you were doing. But you’ll have a long time to berate me like you always do about my life choices, right?
Your lovely wife,
Alice
P.S. Scarlet really is a lovely girl. I’m doing her a favor by getting her away from you. Also, if you think I’m bluffing, I left something for you.
The disk sitting inside of the envelope with the letter had a single date written on it. September 12th, 2019.
I didn’t even have to guess what was on it.

cawdor23
submitted by Cawdor23 to nosleep [link] [comments]


2019.03.11 02:47 mjpist Miami Music Week 2019 Event Schedule: Thurs-Fri [UPDATED]

The Specials and Mon-Wed megathread is here.
The Sat-Sun megathread is here.

This list is currently up to date. I'm keeping this updated daily with new information. Please note that I live in Japan, so I will be updating this list in the evenings, Miami-time. If you know anything I don't, please DM me or comment below!

[Last Update: 03.19.2019 01:41]

THURSDAY MARCH 28
>Armin Van Buuren With Armin Van Buuren. 11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Story, 136 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $80 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Jack Back & Friends With Claptone, MK, David Guetta pres. Jack Back, Amtrac, and Nicky Elisabeth. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Basement, 2901 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $150 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Tiesto With Tiesto and Jonas Blue. 11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $100 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Heldeep After Dark With Oliver Heldens, Anna Lunoe, Carta, Hook N Sling, and Niko the Kid. 11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 The Florida Room, 1685 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $35 via tixr.com
>Pryda Miami With Eric Prydz and Malone. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St., Miami. SOLD OUT.
>Brownies & Lemonade Miami With Skrillex & Boys Noize pres. Dog Blood, A-Trak B2B Anna Lunoe, Whethan B2B TBA, Cray B2B TBA, What So Not, and 1788-L B2B Blanke. More TBA. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Mana Wynwood, 318 NW 23rd St, Miami. Tickets cost $45-$80 via tixr.com
>Deorro pres. Panda Funk With Kura, Deorro, Dirty Audio, Hektor Mass, Henry Fong, Max Styler, Damaged Goods, Holly Woods, TEGI, and Waves. More TBA. 1 p.m.-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Shore Club Hotel, 1901 Collins Ave., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $30-$40 via eventbrite.com
>Above & Beyond: Miami With Above & Beyond, Seven Lions, Ben Bohmner, Oliver Smith, Spencer Brown, and Qrion. 9 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at RC Cola Plant, 550 NW 24th St, Miami. Tickets cost $65-$150 via tixr.com
>Robin Schulz & Friends With Robin Schulz, Autograf, Hook n Sling, Hugel, Justin Caruso, Kungs, Shaun Frank, Dave Sol, and Mat Medved. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Nautilus Hotel, 1825 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $45-$55 via tixr.com
>Techno & Sake With Richie Hawtin. More TBA. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. 1-800-LUCKY, 143 NW 23rd St, Miami. Free event. RSVP via eventbrite.com
>Young Gunz With Firebeatz, Julian Jordan, Kura, Breathe Carolina, Curbi, Carta, and Riggi & Piros. More TBA. 11 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at W Miami, 485 Brickell Ave (50th Floor), Miami. Tickets $20 via eventbrite.com. Tables and cabanas available.
>Buygore Miami With Borgore B2B TBA, Saymyname, TBA B2B Sikdope, TBA B2B TBA, Nitti Gritti, Benda, and Whales. More TBA. 1 p.m.-10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at W Miami, 485 Brickell Ave (50th Floor), Miami. Tickets $40 via eventbrite.com. Tables and cabanas available.
>Sola vs BLOW! Pool Party With Camelphat B2B Solardo pres. So Phat, Claude VonStroke, Danny Howard, DEL-30, Eli Brown, Hector Couto, Leftwing: Kody, Mason Collective, Mason Maynard, Max Chapman, Michael Bibi, Rebuke, Riva Starr, Seb Zito and Will Clarke. More TBA. Noon. Thursday, March 28. The Sagamore Hotel, 1671 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets $45-$55 via tixr.com
>Sexy By Nature Pool Party With Sunnery James & Ryan Marciano, Tom Staar, Black Caviar, and Double Pleasure. More TBA. 1 p.m.-10 p.m. Thursday, March 28. SLS Brickell, 1300 S Miami Ave, Miami. Tickets $10-$45 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
>Cocoon Miami With Sven Vath, Ilario Alicante, Popof, and ALX. 10 p.m.-7 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Trade, 1677 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Ticket cost $45-$55 via residentadvisor.net
>All Gone Pete Tong Pool Party With Pete Tong B2B Hot Since 82, Guy Gerber B2B Bedouin, Damian Lazarus B2B DJ Tennis, Chris Liebing B2B Charlotte De Witte, Axel Boman B2B Krystal Klear, and Mele B2B Themba. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Kimpton Surfcomber Hotel, 1717 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach. Tickets $65 via ticketmob.com. Tables available.
>Paradise In Space With Jamie Jones, Alan Fitzpatrick, Andrea Oliva B2B Richy Ahmed, Danny Tenaglia, Darius Syrossian, David Berrie, Detlef vs Latmun, Julia Govor, Lee Foss, Matador, Nathan Barato, Patrick Topping, Rebuke, and wAFF . More TBA. 11 p.m.-8 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Club Space, 34 N 11th St., Miami. Tickets $40-$80 via residentadvisor.net
Kaskade With Kaskade, Roger Sanchez, Born Dirty, CID, Felix Cartal, and Lokii. Noon-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Hyde Beach, 1701 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $150-$200 via tixr.com. Tables available.
Mixmash Takeover With Laidback Luke, Croatia Squad, Dada Life, Glow in the Dark, GTA, Kream, Matisse & Sadko, Mercer, Moksi, Shaun Frank, SGXOTW, and Sultan & Shepard. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28. Delano Beach Club, 1685 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $55-$70 via tixr.com
RVDIOVCTIVE Miami With Chris Lake, Justin Martin, Wax Motif B2B CODES, Golf Clap B2B Dillon Nathaniel, Andy Gresh, Brox, Charles Meyer, Devon James, Evan Rich, Faren Strnad, Gateo, James Ellington, Love & Logic, Max Sprauer, Mona Black, Sumkind, Warung, Westend, Will OB, and Zendlo. Noon-10 p.m. Thursday, March 28. 3100 Wynwood, 3100 NW 7th Ave., Miami. Tickets cost $25-$60 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Defected 20 Year Anniversary Pool Party With Kenny Dope, Sam Divine, Riva Starr, Monki, Low Steppa, Josh Butler, Jess Bays, Jacky, and Ferrick Dawn. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Kimpton EPIC Hotel, 270 Biscayne Boul. Way, Miami. Tickets $50 via eventbrite.com
The Prescription Miami With Freak On B2B Kendoll, Astronomar B2B Dateless, Volac B2B Phlegmatic Dogs, Jack Beats B2B Born Dirty, Dr. Fresch B2B TBA, Golf Clap B2B Dillon Nathaniel, and Jace Mek B2B Dustycloud. Noon-9 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Centro Wynwood, 299 W 23rd St, Miami. Tickets $15 via eventbrite.com
WMC Dunright With Omnom, Tim Baresko B2B Clyde P, Steve Darko, Wongo, Westend, Lucati, Roo, Danger B2B Lukaas, Two Tails, Messy Jessy, Duane Cedric, Rita Valenti, RFM B2B Sparky, and Rich Dietz B2B Shiro Tiger. Noon-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Centro Wynwood, 299 W 23rd St, Miami. Tickets $10 via eventbrite.com
House Sessions With Charo, Meticulous, Hiram Cruz, Joe Gomez, and Jae Vynel. Noon-8 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Black Kat Meet'N Greet With Bitonal, Chris Azure, Deraout, DJ SeanEBoy, DJ Powell, Kaiser Souzai, and Teknoize. Noon-6 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Beat Down BBQ With Stanton Warriors, DJ Icey, Craze, Marten Horger, Left/Right, Merlyn, Shade, Mas Inc, Keith Mackenzie, Huda Hudia, Si-Dog w/ Fal N, $uper Geniu$, Seth Vogt, Bradley Drop, Sweet Charlie, DMoney, Angela Villin, Dozier & Skitch, and Rich D. Noon-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at SQL, 30 NE 14th St., Miami. Tickets $30 via eventbrite.com
Stereo Sunset Yacht Party With Chus & Ceballos, Mathias Kaden, Oscar L, El Chino Dreadlion, Espinal & Nova, Soul Goodman B2B Dabura, and RJ Pickens B2B George Vidal. 1 p.m. Thursday, March 28, Musette Yacht, 1635 N. Bayshore Dr., Miami. Tickets $80 via eventbrite.com
Deep House Music With DJ Chris, Paul James, DJ Kenny Ray, and Jack T. 1 p.m.-7 p.m. Thursday, March 28, Segafredo L'Originale, 1040 Lincoln Rd, Miami Beach. Free event. More details via miamimusicweek.com
Subsolar Sessions With Trizzoh, Mike Slee, Jarreb34r, Mortarotti, Osiris, Pugz, Zach Frost, and Anganu. 2 p.m.-8 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Clinton Hotel, 825 Washington Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $10 via eventbrite.com
Solarstone pres. Pure Trance Miami With Solarstone, Gabriel & Dresden, and Simon Patterson. 1 p.m.-6 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Musette Yacht, 1635 N. Bayshore Dr., Miami. Tickets cost $65 via nightout.com
The Circle Miami With Max Chapman, Maurizio Ruggiero, Marcelo Demarco, DØC, Kike Roldan, Gary Collins, and Puma. 1 p.m.-10:30 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Caffe Paradiso, 114 NE 20th Ter, Miami. Tickets cost $10 via residentadvisor.net
Botnek's World Famous Miami With Botnek, Dead Space, GWAP, Kendoll, Phlegmatic Dogs, Volac, and Matt Enos B2B Tridvsolo. More TBA. 2 p.m.-10 p.m. Thursday, March 28, The Clevelander Hotel, 1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. Free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
MK Pres. AREA 10 With MK, Gorgon City, Lee Foss, Anthony Attalla, Dom Dolla, Carabetta & Doons, KC Lights, Detlef, Frankie Rizardo, Nightlapse, and Weiss. More TBA. 2 p.m.-11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at The National, 1677 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $50-$60 via electrostub.com
The Vinyl Garden With Terence Tabeau, Brad Strickland, Padraic Carey, Tostao, DJ Quad, and Tommy Jonas. More TBA. 2 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Albion Hotel, 1650 James Ave, Miami Beach. Free event. More info via residentadvisor.net
Last Night on Earth Cruise With Sasha, Yotto, and Denney. 3 p.m.-9 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Biscayne Lady Yacht, 401 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. Ticket price TBA. Early Bird only available via promoter e-mail at [[email protected]](mailto:[email protected]) or call 1-786-201-0029. General on-sale date TBA at residentadvisor.net
Navenu x Beatport x Dirtybird Popup Lineup TBA. 3 p.m.-11 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Thrift Shop MIA, 28 NE 14th St, Miami. Tickets free w/RSVP via docs.google.com
Extended Sunsets Vol. 2 With Spencer Brown and Qrion. 3 p.m.-9 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Barter, 255 NW 27th Ter., Miami. Tickets cost $25 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Brobot -N- Friends With Junior Sanchez, DJ Sneak, Illyus & Barrientos, Harry Romero, Demuir, Blaqwell, Angelo Ferreri, Ordonez, and Carlos Curmi. 5 p.m.-midnight Thursday, March 28 at Coyo Taco, 2300 NW 2nd Ave, Miami. Ticket outlet and on sale date TBA via residentadvisor.net
The Techno Lab With George Acosta pres. Seeds, Kaiser Souzai, DJ Powell, Bitonal, Teknoize, Young Bad Twinz, Zafari Dub, and DJseaneboy. 6 p.m.-Midnight Thursday, March 28 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Mixed Media With Machìna and Baby Vulture. More TBA. 6 p.m.-Midnight Thursday, March 28 at Space Mountain Miami, 738 NW 62nd Ave, Miami. Tickets cost $10 via residentadvisor.net
Radiola & Place Brazil pres. MMW Coconut Groovers With Ricardo Albuquerque, Haustuff, CAOAK, Thariel, Bessegato, Tiago Greco, and Jean Gonçalves. 7 p.m.-1 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Workshops 360, 8690 Biscayne Blvd #3, Miami. Tickets $10 via residentadvisor.net
L8 Night Flights Miami With M.O.N.R.O.E., Grant Grosky, Jason Kitchen, Lyndon UV, and Taetro. 7 p.m.-3 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Boombox, 3456 N Miami Ave, Miami. Tickets cost free-$10 via eventbrite.net
Dreamcatcher With Paul Dudamel, Apache, and Ella Romand. 7 p.m.-10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Proyecto Tulum, 270 NW 23rd St, Miami. Tickets free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
Anane & Louie Vega pres. The Ritual Lineup TBA. 8 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at No.3 Social Roof Bar & Lounge, 50 NW 24th St. Tickets $25 via residentadvisor.net
#RaveRevival With B!tch Be Cool, DJ Kue, Haus Of Panda, RICO, The Guidance (live), and Tommie Sunshine. 8 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Kill Your Idol, 222 Española Way, Miami Beach. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Rich Medina pres. HOME With Rich Medina, Djinji Brown, Kenny Dope, and Ron Trent. 9 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Racket, 150 Northwest 24th St, Miami. 21+. Free event with RSVP via eventbrite.com
Sounds of the Underground Daily lineup TBA. See listing for 3/28 for full lineup. 9 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Mansion, 1235 Washington Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $50 for 1 day and $75 for 2 days. On sale date and outlet TBA via residentadvisor.net
House Stars With The Cube Guys, Crazibiza, Victor Simonelli, Bryan Peroni, Monika Kiss, Nausica, DJRERE, Charlie Roennez, Robert Blues, Frank Master & Stefano Capasso, Mark Main, D.M.G. Marco Bartolucci, Francesco Santarini Ziggy, and Doctor Vintage. 9 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Barsecco, 1421 S Miami Ave, Miami. Free event. More details via residentadvisor.net
I'm a House Gangster With DJ Sneak, Roger Sanchez, Oscar G, Bad Boy Bill, Jesse Perez, Tripmastaz, Kid Enigma, Frank Storm, DJ Lukke, and Ben Finx. 9 p.m.-3 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Dirty Rabbit Wynwood, 151 NW 24 St, Miami. Tickets $18 via eventbrite.com
Farris Wheel Miami With GAWP, Mat.Joe, Oliver Dollar, Sacha Robotti, Sirus Hood, and Wheats. 10 p.m.-3 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at The Langford, 121 Southeast 1st St., Miami. Tickets $15 via eventbrite.com
tAKN pres. Alex Neri With Alex Neri, Valgreen B2B Alex Vacc, Nick Scofield, and Franc Adam B2B VIKk. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Hyde Beach, 1701 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets $20 via eventbrite.com
Behrouz, Holmar and Matthias Meyer With Behrouz, Holmar and Matthias Meyer. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Do Not Sit on the Furniture, 423 16th St., Miami Beach. Tickets cost $30 via residentadvisor.net
Crankdat With Crankdat. More TBA. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at E11EVEN, 29 NE 11th St, Miami. Tickets cost $75-$125 via tixr.com. Tables available.
Mark Knight pres. Toolroom Live With Mark Knight, Amine Edge & Dance, Danny Howard, Gene Farris, Leftwing: Kody, Secondcity, and Wheats. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St., Miami. Tickets $25-$35 via electrostub.com. Tables available.
Nora en Pure pres. Purified With Nora en Pure, Gorgon City, Dosem, Sonny Fodera, and Sons of Maria. More TBA. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28. MAPS Backlot, 342 NW 24th St, Miami. Tickets $40 via seetickets.us
Sub.mission Showcase With Hatcha B2B Youngsta pres. Bloodline, K.L.O., Kromuh, Kursa, Rez, Ternion Sound, and The Widdler. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Location TBA. Tickets $30 via eventbrite.com
Natalya & Gato Mendez With Nalaya and Gato Mendez. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28. SAND Bar+Kitchen, 6752 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
The World of Drum & Bass Miami With DJ Craze, Drumsound & Basslinesmith, TC, Mampi Swift, DJSS, Northbase, and Highroll. More TBA. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Location TBA, Miami Beach. Tickets $20-$50 via eventbrite.com
Bedrock Showcase With John Digweed and Tara Brooks. 10 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St., Miami. Tickets $35-$45 via electrostub.com
Dirty South Open-to-Close With Dirty South. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Treehouse Miami. Tickets $40 via residentadvisor.net
Throttle pres. Dirty Disco With Throttle, CID, Autograf, Eche Palante, and KILO. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Red Room, 1901 Collins Ave, Miami. Tickets $20 via eventbrite.com
Hallucienda With DJ Three, DJ Tennis, Doc Martin, and ÖONA DAHL. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave; Miami. Tickets $20 via residentadvisor.net
Danse With Clarian, Dude Skywalker, Apache, and Nala. 10 p.m-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Sophie's, 814 1st St, Miami Beach. Free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
4B & Friends With 4B, Johel Berrios, Maca, Nvr Left, 2Crooks, and Damien Anthony. More TBA. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28, 1306 Miami, 1306 N Miami Ave, Miami. Tickets $25 via eventbrite.com
Basement Leak With Shiba San, Will Clarke, Amine Edge & Dance, Tim Baresko, Lucati, Clyde P B2B Del-30, and Black V Neck. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Aftermarket Miami,168 SE 1st St, Miami. Tickets $25 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Space Yacht pres. Welcome Records With 1788-L, Habstrakt B2B Whipped Cream, Holy Goof, Jaykode, Warez, Whyel, Wooli, Audigy, Burn1 B2B Takshak, Dead Space B2B John Summit, Holly Woods, Lizzy Jane, Masf B2B Unknown, Mikey Barreneche B2B Chavalo, Morse x Code, and Too Kind B2B Skyhye. 10 p.m.-7 a.m. Thursday, March 28. 3100 Wynwood, 3100 NW 7th Ave., Miami. Tickets $30 via eventbrite.com
UNITEA Rooftop Lineup TBA. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Astra, 2103 NW 2nd Ave, Miami. 18+. Tickets free w/RSVP via eventbrite.com
Wiggin Out With Chris Garcia, Disco Fries, George Acosta, Lavelle Dupree vs Freshcobar, Myron Eugene, Plastik Funk, Rodrigo Vieira, and Scotty Boy. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Foxhole, 1218 14th Ct, Miami Beach . Ages TBA. Tickets free w/RSVP via eventbrite.com
Cherokee Nation With Abel Ramos, Arida, Asco, Deul, Dragonfly, Garabatto, Javi Reina, Jean Marie, Jose De Mara & Crusy, Markem, Leandro Da Silva, Les Castizos, Luca Testa, Oscar Madrid, Sansixto, Sevi Sanchez, Sunministers, Vicrey, and Victor Porfidio. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. 299 NW 23rd St, 299 NW 23rd St, Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets free w/RSVP via eventbrite.com
NO F*CKS GIVEN With Bonnie x Clyde, Diablo, Double Dare, ZROFUX, and Goon b2b Dubway. More TBA. 10 p.m.-2:30 a.m. Thursday, March 28. The Hangar, 60 NE 11th St, Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Vatos Locos With Hector, David Gtronic, Randall M, and Chad Andrew. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Barter Wynwood, 255 NW 27th Ter., Miami. 21+ Tickets cost $15 via eventbrite.com
Botnek's World Famous Miami With Botnek, Jack Beats, Jace Mek, MNNR, GIANT, MASF, and Too Heavy Crew. More TBA. 11 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28, The Clevelander Hotel, 1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. 21+. Free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
Deadbeats Goes off the Deep End Miami 3 With Zeds Dead B2B Jauz, Liquid Stranger, Peekaboo, Delta Heavy, Tisoki B2B Spock, and Jaenga. 11 p.m.-4 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Soho Studios, 2136 NW 1st Ave, Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $35 via seetickets.us
EDX pres. No Xcuses With EDX, SNBRN B2B Shaun Frank, Tom Staar, Burak Yeter, and Scotty Boy. 11 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Mokai Lounge, 235 23rd St., Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $25 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Joseph Capriati With Joseph Capriati and Hugo Bianco. 11 p.m. Thursday, March 28 at Wall, 2201 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $40 via tablelist.com
Desert Hearts With Mikey Lion, Lee Reynolds, Marbs, Rybo, and Lubelski. 11 p.m.-7 a.m. Thursday, March 28 at Floyd, 34 NE 11th St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com
Yokaku Showcase With Varhat B2B Janeret and Camelia. 11 p.m.-5 a.m. Thursday, March 28. Barter Wynwood, 255 NW 27th Ter., Miami. 21+ Tickets cost $10 via eventbrite.com
Sewer Sessions With Symbiotic, Ranga, Rampage, Zhalo, Snooko, and Corrvpt Criminal. 2 a.m.-8 a.m. Thursday (night), March 28. 229 NE 65th St, 229 NE 65th St, Miami. 21+ Tickets cost $10 via eventbrite.com
FRIDAY MARCH 29
>iHeartRadio pres. Elektrik Pool Party Miami With Armin Van Buuren, Afrojack, Sunnery James & Ryan Marciano, Cheat Codes, Arty, Tritonal, Chuckie, Slushii, and MK. More TBA. 11 a.m.-7 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Arkadia Pool and Day Club. 21+. GA entry reserved for hotel guests. Tables and cabanas available via fontainebleau.com
>Ultra Music Festival With Tiësto, Marshmello, Adam Beyer □ Eric Prydz Pres. Cirez D, Skrillex and Boys Noize pres. Dog Blood, Fedde Le Grande, Nicky Romero, Alesso, Jeffrey Sutorius, Carl Cox, Black Coffee, Sam Feldt, Galantis, Sven Vath, Malaa, Loco Dice, Erick Morillo // Louis the Child, Odesza, Tom Morello // AC Slater, Alan Fitzpatrick, Andrea Oliva, Art Department, Born Dirty, Bro Safari, Chet Porter, Christian Smith, Coyu, DJ Soda, Dombresky, Dzeko, Enrico Sangiuliano, Ford, Frank Walker, GG Magree, Golden Features, Habstrakt, Ilario Alicante, Infected Mushroom, Jai Wolf, Kasbo, LSDream, Luigi Madonna, Marco Bailey, Matoma, Memba, Nic Fanciulli, Noir, Nora En Pure, Pluko, Sophie, Stefano Noferini, Whethan, Yousef // Afrobeta, Chip E, Jon Rundell, Running Touch // Cats on Bricks, Sizemore B2B Spewki, Dabura, Soul Goodman, The Sloppy 5th's, Bill Kelly, Josh Newsham, Rodrigo Viera, and Los de la Vega. More TBA. 4 p.m.- 2 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Virginia Key Beach Park 4020 Virginia Beach Dr, Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $399.95-$1499.95 via ultramusicfestival.com
>Heldeep Pool Party With Oliver Heldens pres. HI-LO, Kaskade, Black Caviar, CID, Chocolate Puma, Dillon Nathaniel, Dr. Fresch, GAWP, and GTA. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Nautilus Hotel, 1825 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $45-$55 via tixr.com
>Bassjackers & Breathe Carolina pres. Breathejackers With Breathe Carolina B2B Bassjackers, Breathe Carolina, Bassjackers, Aizy, Luca Testa, Lucas & Steve, and Mesto. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Red Room, 1901 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com
>Alesso With Alesso. 11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at LIV, 4441 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $100 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Luciano & Friends With Claptone and Luciano. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Hyde Beach, 1701 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $75-$100 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Ferry Corsten pres. UNITY With Ferry Corsten, Arty pres. Alpha 9, Grum, Ilan Bluestone, and Jordan Suckley. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at SQL, SQL Miami, 30 NE 14th St., Miami. SOLD OUT.
>Jauz and Slushii With Jauz, Slushii, Alyx Ander, and Savi. More TBA. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at E11EVEN, 29 NE 11th St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $75-$150 via tixr.com. Tables available.
>Steve Lawler pres. Warriors With Steve Lawler, Alex Kennon, Dillon Nathaniel, Prok Fitch, Tiga, Bontan, Josh Butler, Latmun, Kenny Dope, Monki, Shiba San, Dennis Ferrer, Joeski, Love & Logic, and Devon James. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29, 3100 Wynwood, 3100 Northwest 7th Ave, Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $40-$80 via eventbrite.com
>A-Trak With A-Trak. More TBA. 9 p.m.-3 a.m. Friday, March 29, Racket, 150 Northwest 24th St, Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com
>Ophelia Records Showcase With Seven Lions, Jason Ross, MitiS, and Crystal Skies. 10 p.m.-4 a.m. Friday, March 29, 1306 Miami, 1306 N Miami Ave, Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $30 via eventbrite.com
Toolroom in Stereo With Mark Knight, Chus & Ceballos, Eli Brown, Franky Rizardo, Harry Romero, Illyus & Barrientos, Rafa Barrios, and Weiss. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29, Kimpton Surfcomber Hotel, 1717 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. SOLD OUT. Tables available.
All Day I Dream - Miami Grooves With Lee Burridge, Bedouin, Hoj, and Newman. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29, Delano Beach Club, 1685 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $70 via tixr.com
WE ARE MIAMI Lineup TBA. 1 p.m.-10 p.m. Friday, March 29. SLS Brickell, 1300 S Miami Ave, Miami. 21+. Ticket cost free-$35 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Repopulate Mars With Lee Foss, MK, Detlef B2B Nathan Barato, Michael Bibi, Eli Brown B2B Mason Maynard, Max Chapman B2B Secondcity B2B Huxley, Prok Fitch, Danny Howard, Mirko di Florio, Natalia Rota, and Kaysin. More TBA. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29, Kimpton EPIC Hotel, 270 Biscayne Boulevard Way, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $60 via eventbrite.com
Rapture Festival Lineup TBA. Noon Friday, March 29 - 7 p.m. Saturday, March 30, Location TBA. All Ages. TICKETS CURRENTLY OFF SALE via residentadvisor.net
Red Bar Recovery With Patrick D, Silvio Rodrigues, Chris Azure, and Zafari Dub. noon-6 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 18+. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Desert Dance With Sabb, Kenny Glasgow, Serge Devant, Davi, Sis, Black Circle, Vanjee, Felipe Kaval, Sons of Immigrants, and Laurent Simeca. Noon-8 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Nikki Beach Miami, 1 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. Tickets free with RSVP via eventbrite.com
Subtek Showcase With BADBEAT, Charles Meyer, Deraout, DJ SUBLIMEINAL, DJ VIXON, DJSEANEBOY, George Acosta, JD POWELL, Kaiser Souzai, MICKE, Melissa Nikita, Noel Sanger, and Oliver Caine. Noon-11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Cape at The Townhouse, 150 20th St, Miami Beach. Ticket price and on-sale date TBA via residentadvisor.net
Ritual With SIS, Djuma Soundsystem, Dyab, Magician On Duty, Robert Cournoyer, Sean Bauzay, Rafi V, Gadi Mitrani, Philip Chedid, aDios. Noon-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Proyecto Tulum, 270 NW 23rd St, Miami. Tickets cost $10. Ticket outlet and on-sale date TBA via residentadvisor.net
Justin Martin's Life Aquatic With Justin Martin, Ardalan, Christian Martin, and Joe & Joey. 1 p.m. Friday, March 29, Musette Yacht, 1635 N. Bayshore Dr., Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $85 via ticketfly.com
Essential With Jimpster, Julie McKnight, Junior Sanchez, DJ Colette, Jay-J, DJ Mark Brickman, and DAN.K. 1 p.m.-9 p.m. Friday, March 29, Intercontinental Hotel and Pool Deck, 100 Chopin Pz, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via residentadvisor.net
Corona Electric Beach With Gorgon City, Born Dirty, Dom Dolla, Omnom, Redlight, and Sonny Fodera. 1 p.m.-11 p.m. Friday, March 29, Shore Club Hotel, 1901 Collins Ave, Miami. 21+. Free with RSVP via eventbrite.com
Buenas Vibras! With CID, Differ, Markem, Mednas, Niko the Kid, Nuvega, Piem B2B TBA, Rebecca & Fiona, Thomas Gold and Unomas. 1 p.m.-10 p.m. Friday, March 29, SLS Brickell,1300 S Miami Ave, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $10-$30 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Madhouse DJs LA pres. Bridge the Gap, Vol. 2 With David Delano, Chris Herrera, Mario Fitoria, D.Zeledon, Antonio Estrada B2B JBZ, Eddie Portillo, PINTO, Eduardo Alvarado, Larris V, Chris Valencia, Kicking Facors, Joey Avila, Skonka, and Julian Anthony. More TBA. 1 p.m.-4 a.m. Friday, March 29, Oceans Ten, 960 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $5 via eventbrite.com
Rhythm Session With Mikki Afflick, DJ Cuba, and T-Colon. Noon-8 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 18+. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Game of Throwdowns III With Stanton Warriors, Worthy, Marten Hørger, Keith Mackenzie, Sweet Charlie, GN, JimiTheGenius, Bradley Drop, Dustin Dynasty Nelson, Seth Vogt (Breaks Set), Josh B , Slip187, Lady Verse, Dmoney, Eartight, Bobby Buzz, JRok, Kharma, Medley, Lady, Sum 1, DJ Zone, Hooker, Just 10, Audio Sal, and MC MIC EP. 2 p.m. Friday, March 29 - 5 p.m. Saturday, March 30, Mr. Wright's Gold Digger Saloon, 111 Northeast 20th St., Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $30 via eventbrite.com
Chuckie & Friends With Chuckie, Bingo Players, EDX, Kryder, Croatia Squad, Tom Staar, and Alexander Orue. More TBA. 2 p.m. Friday, March 29, The National Hotel, 1677 Collins Avenue, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $45-$55 via electrostub.com
Sweat it Out Miami With Anna Lunoe, Benny Bridges, Dom Dolla, Doorly, Justin Jay, Volac, What So Not, Wongo, and Yolanda Be Cool. 2 p.m. Friday, March 29, Barter Wynwood, 255 NW 27th Ter., Miami. 21+ Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
DanceGruv Radio pres. Transmissions - Miami Frequencies Edition With Alvin Shavers, Ben Del Sol, Pablo Godel, DJ Nugz, Marshall Jones, Strider, Frankmatic, Deejay Kuttz, and Tomas C. 2 p.m.-10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 18+. Free event. More info via dancegruv.net
YAYO! Yacht Party With Amine Edge & Dance, Jesse Perez, Tim Baresko B2B Clyde P, and Fractall. 2 p.m.-7 p.m. Friday, March 29, Bayride Yacht, 401 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $80-$180 via residentadvisor.net
Kristina Sky pres. United We Groove With Kayu & Albert, Roger Shah, Kristina Sky, Sunny Lax, Paul Thomas, Rodg, Fisherman, Mike Saint-Jules, Anden, Luccio, and Adam Stark. More TBA. 2 p.m.-3 a.m. Friday, March 29, The Clevelander Hotel, 1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $10 via residentadvisor.net
Robbie Rivera pres. Juicy Beach With Robbie Rivera, Kryder, The Cube Guys, David Tort, Saeed Younan, NXNY, Frank Nitty, and Tommy Capretto. 2 p.m.-10 p.m. Friday, March 29, The Clevelander Hotel, 1020 Ocean Dr, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $10-$20 via eventbrite.com
tINI and The Gang Boat Cruise With tINI. More TBA. 3 p.m.-9 p.m. Friday, March 29, Biscayne Lady Yacht, 401 Biscayne Blvd., Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $150 via residentadvisor.net
Catalina CloseOut With Bitonal, Teknoize, Skymate, Young Bad Twinz, and Zafari Dub. 6 p.m.-Midnight Friday, March 29 at The Catalina, 1732 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 18+. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
Deep Down Under Miami With Golf Clap, CODES, Alex Kislov, Arvii Mala, Devon Dames, ADLX, Andy Gresh, Austin Hennessy, Jaygee, and Mr. B. 8 p.m. Friday, March 29, Le Musette, Sea Isle Marina, 1635 Bayfront Drive, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $55 via theticketingco.com. Tables available.
Descent Electronica With Doctor Jeep, DB Cooper, Some Jerk, Crowley, Funk de la Cueva, Vis Crit, and MC Nome. 8 p.m.-4 a.m. Friday, March 29, Warehouse 229, 229 NE 65th St., Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $10 via eventbrite.com
Brooklyn x Wynwood With Alex Raouf, David Paglia, DESNA, Eskuche, Pablo Romero, Sleepy & Boo, and Zeni. 8 p.m.-4 a.m. Friday, March 29 at No.3 Social Roof Bar & Lounge, 50 NW 24th St. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via residentadvisor.net
Nathan Barato Album Release Party With Nathan Barato (open-to-close). More TBA. 9 p.m.-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Thrift Shop MIA, 28 NE 14th St, Miami. Agest TBA. Tickets cost free-$10 via eventbrite.com
Shaq's Fun House Lineup TBA. 1 a.m.-sunrise Friday (night), March 29, Toe Jam Backlot, 50 NW 21st St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $150-$500 via tixr.com. Tables available.
Mood vs Mindshake Miami With Avision, Carlo Lio, Hector, Magdalena, Nicole Moudaber, and Mr. Atope. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St , Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $40-$50 via electrostub.com
Riva Starr pres. Snatch With Riva Starr, Darius Syrossian, Davide Squillace, Josh Butler, and Miky J. 10 p.m.-7 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St , Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $20-$30 via residentadvisor.net
Relic Miami With Andhim, Audiofly, Butch, Fiin, Francesca Lombardo, Fur Coat, Lauren Lane, and Ali+Bettina. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Factory, 55 NE 24th St , Miami. Tickets cost $25-$35 via electrostub.com. Tables available.
Night Bass With AC Slater B2B Habstrakt B2B Holy Goof, Walker & Royce B2B CODES, Redlight B2B Flava D, Volac B2B Phelgmatic Dogs, and Kendoll B2B Blossom. 10 p.m.- 3 a.m. Friday, March 29 at MAPS Backlot, 342 NW 24th St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $35 via seetickets.com
Franky Rizardo pres. FLOW With Franky Rizardo. More TBA. 10 p.m.- 4 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Aftermarket Miami,168 SE 1st St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
Rice & Beats With Kenny Dope, Oscar G, DJ Sneak, Todd Terry, Lazaro Casanova, and Greg "Stryke" Chin. 10 p.m.- 5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at 1-800-LUCKY, 143 NW 23rd St, Miami. Ages TBA. Free event. More info via facebook.com
Sabo & Goldcap, Valentin Huedo With Sabo & Goldcap, Valentin Huedo, and Surreal Flight. 10 p.m.-6 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Do Not Sit on the Furniture, 423 16th St., Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $30 via residentadvisor.net
UNDR THE RADR Illuminated Jungle With Roger Sanchez, Amine Edge & DANCE, Prok & Fitch, Cocodrills, and Kristen Knight. 10 p.m.-2 a.m. Friday, March 29 at The Langford Hotel, 121 SE 1 Street, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $30 via residentadvisor.net
Hernan Cattaneo & Nick Warren With Hernan Cattaneo and Nick Warren. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Treehouse, 323 23rd St., Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $40 via ticketweb.com
10 Years of Nulu With Anane, Christian Mantini, and Louie Vega. More TBA. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Wynwood 5th Ave, 2451 NW 5th Ave, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost free-$20 via eventbrite.com
G Jones With G Jones, Zeke Beats, Chark, Mindset, and Tiedye Ky. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at 380 NE 59th St, 380 Northeast 59th St, Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $30 via eventbrite.com
Pete Tong pres. Vinyl With Pete Tong, Hot Since 82, Benton, Norma Now, Spinser Tracy, and Louie Arson. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Basement, 2901 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $150 via tixr.com. Tables available.
Armada Subjekt With Kevin Saunderson, Cassimm, Danny Howard B2B Harry Romero, Francisco Allendes, Piero Pirupa, and Sirus Hood. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Trade, 1677 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets cost $25 via residentadvisor.net
Psycho-Trippin' With Bad Boy Bill, Christian Martin, CODES, Dead Space, E.R.N.E.S.T.O, Gettoblaster, Hunter Reid, John Summit, Mark Starr, and Treasure Fingers. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Sophie's, 814 1st St, Miami Beach. 21+. Tickets free w/ RSVP via eventbrite.com
Gareth Emery pres. Laserface With Gareth Emery, Tritonal, Gabriel & Dresden, Omnia, Emma Hewitt, and Luccio. 10 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Mana Wynwood, 318 NW 23rd St., Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $40-$75 via tixr.com
Techno Freqz pres. Terminator Records & Algorhythm Showcase With Alexander Technique, Roland Clark, Doctor Boom, Chris Azure, Kameo, Kid Kiddo, and Le Brion B2B Complex Solution. More TBA. 10 p.m.-5 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Kill Your Idol, 222 Española Way, Miami Beach. 21+. Free event. More info via miamimusicweek.com
House of EFunk Miami With Soul Clap, Felix Da Housecat, Mija, Byron The Aquarius, Will Renuart, and Beki Powell. More TBA. 10 p.m.-6 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Electric Pickle, 2826 N. Miami Ave, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $30 via residentadvisor.net
Dirtybird Players Miami With Ardalan, Bruno Furlan, Christian Martin, Claude VonStroke, DJ Glen, Doorly, Eddy M, Eli Brown, Joeski, Justin Martin, Mason Maynard, Matthias Tanzmann, Omnom, Rebuke, Sacha Robotti, Shiba San, Steve Darko, Vnssa, Volkoder, Walker & Royce, Gene Farris, J.Philip, Kill Frenzy, Lubelski, Marc Houle (live), Mikey Lion, Tim Baresko, Weiss, Worthy, Wyatt Marshall, and ZDS. More TBA 11 p.m.-4 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Space, 34 N 11th St., Miami. Ages TBA. SOLD OUT.
Kaskade With Kaskade. 11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Story, 136 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. 21+ Tickets cost $90 via tixr.com
Vampire Disco With DJ Tennis, Horse Meat Disco, Rebolledo, and Who Made Who. More TBA. 11 p.m.-7 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Floyd Miami, 34 NE 11th St, Miami. 21+. Tickets cost $20 via eventbrite.com
Lucid With Virgo, Sel.6, Divoli S'vere, Loka, Gami, Keanu Orange, Nick Leon B2B Nicholas G. Padilla, Syster System B2B Ashley Venom, Halfmoon BK, INVIT, Ammy Juliet, Harrison, Porn Nais$, Midnight Thrift, Brother Dan, and Millys Empanadas. 11 p.m.-4:30 a.m. Friday, March 29 at Villain Theatre, 5865 NE 2nd Ave, Miami. Ages TBA. Tickets cost $5 via eventbrite.com
Nic Fanciulli With Nic Fanciulli and Kaz James. 11 p.m. Friday, March 29 at Wall, 2201 Collins Ave, Miami Beach. Tickets cost $40 via tablelist.com
Boris pres. Transmit Recordings Showcase (AFTERHOURS) With Boris, Diego Garcia, Oscar L, and Uner B2B Viviana Toscanini. More TBA. 2:30 a.m.-7 a.m. Friday (night), March 29 at The Hangar, 60 NE 11th St, Miami. 18+. Tickets cost $20-$40 via eventbrite.com. Tables available.
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2019.01.05 19:28 areohdeee Memes Gear - uxeqroswhurnlkzapw - Meme Merch.

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2019.01.05 13:53 areohdeee Memes Gear - kdjrebfxgwxhgktvyj - Meme Merch.

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2017.11.10 07:36 zzzigzzzagzzziggy 🔥🔥🔥 Obama and Biden Make a Burger Run 🍔🍔🍟

Obama and Biden Make a Burger Run

By Philip Rucker Washington Post Staff Writer Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Their standing weekly lunch is served by butlers on the finest china in a private White House dining room. President Obama and Vice President Biden sit at opposite ends of a polished mahogany table, a golden chandelier hanging overhead and a cerebral John Quincy Adams staring down at them from a portrait.
Yesterday, however, Barack and Joe wanted to show they're still in touch with the people -- and what better way than waiting in line for a big juicy burger. An aide knew just the spot. So at 12:26 p.m., they hopped in their motorcade, zoomed across the Potomac River into Virginia, and pulled up outside 1713 Wilson Blvd. The popular joint in a plain Arlington strip mall has no sign, but neighbors know it as the home of Ray's Hell Burger, and the spot is beloved as much for its premium aged 10-ounce hamburgers as for its bare-bones decor.
The world's most powerful man, and the guy a heartbeat away, waited patiently in a single-file line as the lunch crowd gawked -- and as two customers in front of them at the counter pondered the menu leisurely, apparently oblivious to whom they were holding up. Then it came time to order.
Obama tilted his head to read the menu, but took a pass on Ray's specialty burgers, like the "Let's Get It On," or the $17.50 burger with foie gras and white truffle oil. Obama, customer No. 42, opted for something more simple: "Your basic cheddar cheeseburger, medium well."
No ketchup, the president said, but lettuce and tomato. And: "Have you got a spicy mustard or somethin' like that? A Dijon mustard?"
Biden ordered a Swiss cheeseburger with jalapeno peppers and ketchup, medium well, and a root beer.
"Are your fries pretty good? Can you vouch for your fries?" Obama asked.
Ray's doesn't do fries, said the guy behind the counter, Tim Murray. But Murray suggested the president try "Cheesy Tater Puffs," which are pureed potatoes with cheddar cheese and chives flash-fried like Tater Tots. Obama looked skeptical, but asked for one order for him and Biden to share.
Obama and Biden went Dutch -- basic cheeseburgers cost $7.95 -- as each pulled a wad of cash from his wallet to pay. But Obama bought burgers for reporters, cameramen and staff, including personal aide Reggie Love. "We're paying, or these people are gonna write about how we're freeloading," Obama said, pointing to members of the press corps, whom he dismissed as "cheap dates."
The president left $5 in the tip jar.
Murray said he was impressed the two carried cash -- and thankful, too, since the burger joint is cash-only. "I didn't want to say, 'I'm sorry, Mr. President, we can't take your credit card. You've got to use the ATM.' "
Yolanda Pineda, 29, manned the grill and cooked the burgers with special care. "For Obama," she said, "especial!"
Owned by Michael Landrum, an iconoclastic local restaurateur whose other restaurants are Ray's the Steaks in Arlington and Ray's the Classics in Silver Spring, Ray's Hell Burger is critically acclaimed and has developed something of a cult following. White House legislative affairs director Phil Schiliro, who lives in suburban Virginia and is a big fan, recently recommended Ray's to Obama.
The lunch date lasted 34 minutes and by the time Obama and Biden stepped back into their motorcade, after posing for cellphone pictures with the restaurant's staff, dozens of people had gathered outside the restaurant to cheer. The outing was broadcast on national television. And as a public relations move, it appeared to be a success:
Bonnie Cosby, 51, a technology consultant who picked up burgers on her way home from work, opined: "It shows that he's in touch with the people, that he's not up in the ivory tower. He's a real person -- with a burger."

© 2009 The Washington Post Company
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2017.03.06 09:06 clearliquidclearjar WEEKLY EVENTS 3/6 – 3/15

I’ve got a little time to spare, let’s see what I can do with this.
Tally’s Independent Cinema and Theater Offerings:
ALSO:
MONDAY 3/6
  • Break Fast Grill: Stephen Williamson. 6pm
  • Bread & Roses: Crassie Lassie Fest w/ Period Bomb, Problem Child, Winded, Black Sun Black Moon. 8pm
TUESDAY 3/7
  • Junction @ Monroe: Live Rehearsal Tuesdays. “Tuesdays are Live Rehearsals at [email protected]. Sponsored by the Tallahassee Area Musicians Guild. Utilize our complete backline and PA for rehearsals, jams, or hold auditions. Up to one hour slots (or more depending on number of signups) per artist/group.” 4pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Corine Samwel. 6pm
  • Madison Social: Trivia Social. They do half and half theme and miscellaneous, so check their FB every week for an event page. 7pm
  • Cap City Video Lounge: Tales from the Crypt Tuesday! 7pm/free
  • Brass Tap in Midtown: Trivia. Check their FB page for the theme. 7pm
  • Northside Pies: Bar Trivia With Hank. 50 questions of sweet, sweet trivia. This is a great geeky date night option. If you’ve got teens or kids that want to go to trivia (hey, nerds come in all sizes), this is a PG/PG-13 night. 7:30pm/free
  • Bird’s Oyster Shack: Trivia With John Carpenter. Lively and fun. 7:30pm
  • GrassLands Brewing Company: Trivia Factory. 7:30pm
  • Midtown Pies: Trivia and Deliciousness! 8pm
  • Fire Bettys: Now That's What I Call Tuesday! Dance Party. 8pm
  • Fourth Quarter: Trivia With Professor Jim. AUCE wings. Truly a trivia favorite. 8pm
  • Krewe de Gras: Karaoke With Pete. 8:30pm
  • Brass Tap on Gaines: Karaoke with DJRah. 9pm
  • The Warrior: Open Mic "SingeSong Writer" Edition. “Full bands welcome. Free Pitcher for a 15 minute or more ORIGINAL Set.” 9pm
  • 926 Bar & Grill: Trivia Tuesday! 9:30pm
  • Applebee’s on the Parkway: Karaoke with Amanda Goram. 10pm
  • Pockets Pool: Karaoke with Dwight. 10pm/21+
  • Black Dog in RR Sq: Literary Night with Keegan Lester and Friends. 7pm
  • Goodwood: Rosi Golan. 7:30pm
  • Side Bar: Tatanka w/ Yamadeo, Trial By Stone & Oceanstone. 8pm/$10
  • Blue Tavern: Roda Vibe - Brazilian Music. 8pm
  • The Warehouse: Yolanda J. Franklin and Sean Towey. 8pm
  • Bad Girls Club: PILL, MYAKKA, SLUG. 8pm
WEDNESDAY 3/8
  • Madison Social: The Booze-ness Lunch: Free Drink During Lunch “If Don Draper did it, why not you. We are introducing the weekly Booze-ness lunch, because one cocktail in the afternoon just makes you more creative and productive (its science). Come have lunch with us, Centrale or Township and enjoy a delicious adult beverage on the house with food purchase.” 11:30am-3pm
  • Bird's Oyster Shack: Lab Sessions with Jim Crozier, featuring Frank Jones with Mickey Abraham. 6pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Kalen Mercer. 6pm
  • Fermentation Lounge: Quizmaster General Knowledge Trivia. “Quizmaster is hosted by Bennett Miller from 7-9pm every Wednesday, and features three rounds of general knowledge trivia (and a weekly food special). It is free to play and teams of up to 6 are welcome. The winner of each round receives a sample flight, and the Quizmaster for the night receives a $25 gift card and serious credit on Geek Street.” 7pm
  • Brass Tap on Gaines: Trivia. Check their FB page for the theme. 7pm
  • Hurricane Grill & Wings: Trivia With Greg. 7pm
  • GrassLands Brewing Company: BYOBG! Bring Your Own Board Game. “Our gracious host, Trevor Bond, will be featuring one game each week. Feel free to bring your own games to play & share.” 7pm/21+
  • Junction @ Monroe: Wednesday Night Bingo. “Good food, good drinks, good friends, and a chance to win some big cashola!” 7pm
  • Proof: Bar Trivia With Hank. Drink delicious brews and show off all those random factoids you thought you’d never use. Local beer, local trivia in the heart of Tally’s Art District. A food truck is always out front for this, too, or you can order and pick up something great at the Crum Box Gastgarden (the caboose in RR Sq). Bar tab for 1st and 2nd place teams. 7:30pm/21+/no cover
  • The Warehouse: Open Mic. “There is a lottery for time slots. Now smoke free!” 8pm
  • El Patron: Karaoke With Big Bob. 8:30pm-11:30pm
  • 926 Bar & Grill: Karaoke. 9pm
  • Just One More: Karaoke with Roger. 9pm
  • Bird’s: Comedy Night. I’m pretty sure this is both a performance and an open mic. 9:30pm/free
  • Old Capitol: Womans Day of Action and Rally - #WomenTakeFL. 9am
  • Old Capitol: Women's March: A Day Without A Woman Candlelight Vigil. “”In honor of March 8th, International Women's Day, Women's March Florida in conjunction with Women's March on Washington and National Women's Liberation will be hosting a Women's Strike (A Day Without A Woman) acting together to defend equity, justice and continue the fight for women's rights and the end of violence and oppression of ALL women and gender non-conforming groups.” 6:15pm
  • LeRoy Collins Library: Silenced No More: Felon Rights Restoration. “Join the Big Bend Democratic Progressive Caucus, Capital Equality Democratic Caucus, Leon County Democratic Black Caucus, and the Leon County Democratic Party for a discussion on the status of civil rights restoration for felons in Florida. Speakers include Rev. Greg James and Mark Schlakman, J.D., of the FSU Center for the Advancement of Human Rights.” 6:30pm/free
  • Centre of Tallahassee: Willie Nelson & Family with Dwight Yoakam. 7:30pm
  • Club Downunder: A Tribe Called Red. 8pm/GP $15/18+
  • BFF Haus: TORANAVOX/ MELT CHANNEL/ SEATTLE EFFING SUPER SONICS. 8pm
  • Junction @ Monroe: Anthony Gomes. 8pm
  • The Warehouse: The Lessers. 8pm
  • Indianhead Factory: CHEW, Bees and Enormous Tigers, Doorsmasher. 9pm/$5/all ages
  • TENN Nightclub: Sonny Fedora. 10pm
THURSDAY 3/9
  • Lake Ella Area: Food Truck Thursday Adventures of Annabelle Lynn. 6pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with the Fried Turkeys. 6pm
  • Beef O’Brady’s: AJ Johnson Trivia. 6:30pm
  • Junction @ Monroe: Open Stage Night. “Features slots for all performing arts including music and karaoke. Bands may also sign up for rehearsal time from 5pm to 8pm.” 7pm
  • Karaoke Rib Shack (3655 North Monroe Street): Karaoke and Ribs. “This isn't a drinking bar this is a kid friendly Established Restaurant.” 7pm-11pm
  • Warhorse: Bar Trivia With Hank. “5 rounds, 50 questions. Full bar, fantastic pizza, and fun facts.” 8pm
  • Dux (Crawfordville): Karaoke with Big Bob. $25 bar tab given away every week. 8:30pm-12:30pm
  • Midtown Caboose: Trivia Factory. 8:30pm
  • Unique Wonders: Live Comedy with Big Hou! 8:30pm/$5
  • Pockets: Karaoke Dance Party with Keith Welch. 9pm/21+
  • Brass Tap Midtown: Karaoke with DJ Rah. 9pm-Midnight
  • Applebees on Cap Cir: Karaoke with Amanda Goram. 10pm
  • Birds: Karaoke with Nathan. All the songs. $1 Pabst drafts. 10pm
  • 1500 Apalachee Parkway: Cirque Italia – Silver. “Cirque Italia is a unique show in every sense. After five years of consolidation, a rigorous casting selection, and over 1,000 performances nationwide; this spectacular production has become the greatest version of a “traveling circus”. Cirque Italia is proud to have developed a well-deserved reputation as one of the most innovative shows to be staged in the US. Cirque Italia also contributes to the modernization of the performing arts and the circus industry by abiding by a strict animal free policy. The company takes a leading stance in offering quality entertainment beyond the use of animals.” March 9-12. 10am-I have no idea when.
  • Tallahassee Harley-Davidson: Bike Night! “This month Pepper Drive will be rockin' the stage. Big D's BBQ will be cooking up the finest southern grub. Our World Famous Harley Girls will be serving up the ice cold beverages, with all donations going to benefit the Disable Veterans Organization, AHERO. AND we're bringing back the BIKINI BIKE WASH!” 6pm
  • Sierra Club (1834 Mahan Dr.): Carnivorous Plants. “Come join us as we learn more about carnivorous plants from Tom Miller, biology professor from FSU. Surprisingly, North Florida has one of the more diverse assemblages of carnivorous plants in the world. Not only are many of these local species quite beautiful, but they also provide interesting insights into local ecology, adaptation and evolutionary history, plant physiology, and even plant genetics. They capture a wide variety of prey and some species are also host to variety of insects and microbes that live within the leaves, utilizing the same prey captured by the plant. Tom will discuss these interesting facets of carnivorous plants, as well as bringing in a few plants from both local forests and elsewhere.” 6:30pm
  • 7th Hill Tap Room: Old Soul Revival. 7:30pm
  • Crum Box Gastgarden: Cameron McCann. 8pm
  • Bradfordville Blues Club: NRBQ. 8pm
  • The Wilbury: You Blew It, All Get Out, Free Throw. 9pm/$5/all ages
  • The Warrior: Dear Tatiana / TaReef Knockout / Buster Wolf / TBA. 9:30pm/$7
FRIDAY 3/10
  • Fifth & Thomas: Backstage Garden Happy Hour with David Lareau. 5pm-8pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Velma Frye. 6pm
  • Karaoke Rib Shack (3655 North Monroe Street): Karaoke and Ribs. “This isn't a drinking bar this is a kid friendly Established Restaurant.” 7pm-11pm
  • Hobbit South: Karaoke. 8pm
  • Leggetts: Karaoke with Paul. 8:30pm
  • Just One More: Karaoke with Roger. 9pm
  • Skyzone: GLOW- Featuring DJ LooseKid. “Grab all of your friends and get your jump on with live music featuring Dj Loosekid, glow lights & laser beams! Check in early to take advantage of the full 2 hours of jumping! Each jumper must wear a reflective shirt, or purchase a shirt in the park. Due to the popularity of this event and early sell outs- we highly suggest you reserve your tickets online beforehand. We cannot guarantee tickets for GLOW will be available in the park at the time of the event.” 9pm-11pm/$25/no one under 5yo
  • 926 Lounge (Formerly Pugs): The Friday Night Party. “Get your pre-game on at Happy Hour with Tom from 4-9 and the dance party getting rolling at 10 pm with our favorite house DJs slinging sound all night long. At midnight, join our talented Queens for an amazing show!” 9pm/$5, $7 under 21/18+
  • Stetsons @ The Moon: Karaoke with Johnny Ray. 10pm/$5/18+
  • The Warehouse: Doc Otis/The Rest of Ray BroweCourtnee Fallon Rex + TBA. 7pm
  • 1210 S Adams St: Sell It Night. “Welcome to Sell It Tallahassee! A community microfunding project to encourage local artists in Tallahassee to hone in on their entrepreneurial skills. It's simple, and works like this: audience members pay $5 to get in. 3 artists "sell" their art to the audience taking turns. After the pitches, the audience votes on which artist had the best pitch. The winner receives all the money earned that night. Example: if 100 people show up, the winning artist will earn $500! Support local art. Support entrepreneurship. These artists are your neighbors. We are one community.” 7pm/$5
  • Black Dog in RR Sq: Marona, Graham Snuggs, Al Mirabella Anna Griffith. 7:30pm
  • Level 8: Ocean Disco. 8pm
  • Blue Tavern: Kim Thomas & George Boggs. 8pm/$5
  • The Junction @ Monroe: Grandpa's Cough Medicine. 8pm
  • Bradfordville Blues Club: Selwyn Birchwood. 8pm
  • Play Sports Bar: Tallahassee Adult Prom 2K17. “Tickets on Sale🔥 it's that time of the year Again Second Annual Adult Prom will be held March 10th @ Play Sports Bar.. Goodson Auto Detailing, EClass Ent & Yepwekan presents #ANightInParis 8pm-2am the most sexiest Party to hit the city with a Live Band, elegant , sophisticated and fashionable ... Get yourself a date( dates are not required) , Dress Up in your finest , rent your exotic cars , limousines and party buses .. #GrownAndMature Crowd 21+ Food provided, cash bar / Music By BOWEEZY a Prom King and Queen will be crowned. If you missed your high school prom you definitely don't want to miss this event.” 8pm
  • Fire Bettys: Voodoo Visionary. 8pm/free/21+
  • The Wilbury: Back To The Garage w/ Kane Strang (New Zealand). 8pm/free/all ages
  • The Warrior: Dirty Reggae Punx featuring Popshot with Invented Truths and Violent Lyle Punk Show. 8:30pm
  • Fifth & Thomas: The Groove Merchants. 9pm
  • Brass Tap Midtown: Colby Scheib. 9pm
SATURDAY 3/11
  • Park at Monroe: The Downtown Marketplace. 9am
  • Corner of Georgia & Macomb: Frenchtown Farmers’ Market. “The Frenchtown Heritage Market offers a wide variety of fresh, naturally grown produce. Live music, cooking demos, fruits vegetables, and honey sold directly by farmers.” 10am – 3pm.
  • Karaoke Rib Shack (3655 North Monroe Street): Karaoke and Ribs. “This isn't a drinking bar this is a kid friendly Established Restaurant.” 7pm-11pm
  • Salty Dawg: Karaoke with Paul. Family friendly! 8pm
  • Leggetts: Karaoke with Cowboy Chris. 9pm
  • El Patron: Pasion Latina. Bachata, Merengue, Salsa, Reggaeton. 9pm
  • 926 Lounge: Sanctuary: Tallahassee’s Longest Running Goth Night. 10pm/$5/18+
  • Northside Pies: Future Pizza Makers of Tallahassee. “Northside Pies is now offering a Pizza Makers Academy for kids! Children will receive a presentation on the inner workings of a restaurant, a pizza making demonstration and a hands on tutorial that will allow them to stretch or toss, top and cook their own pizza! Children will also receive a tour of the kitchen and explanation of equipment like pizza ovens, slicers, coolers and dishwashing machines - all the elements that keep this place running! The experience takes about 30 minutes and will give a welcome break* to parents to enjoy their lunch.” Noon/Pricing: $25 includes an 18" Pizza for the parents and 1 Student $30 18" Pizza for parents and 2 students/add $10 for each additional student. Registration.](https://squareup.com/store/northsidepies)
  • 902 N Monroe St: Grand Opening of The Grove Museum in Tallahassee. “Join the Florida Department of State for the Grand Opening of The Grove Museum in Tallahassee on March 11, 2017, from 10am-4pm. Come tour the home and grounds and discover for yourself over 200 years of rich history beginning with territorial Governor Richard Keith Call through the legacy left by Governor and Mrs. LeRoy Collins. Enjoy outdoor games and activities. Food trucks will be available to purchase lunch. Bring a blanket to spread for a picnic lunch to get the full experience!” 10am-4pm/free
  • Kleman Plaza: St. Patrick’s Festival And Jack Madden Memorial Parade. “The Tallahassee Irish Society presents the Eight Annual Tallahassee St. Patrick's Festival and Parade! Featuring performances by the Tallahassee Pipe Band, the Bothys, Krooked Kilts, the Tallahassee Irish Stepdancers, and more. There will be plenty of food, music, vendors and fun for the whole family!” Noon-9pm
  • 3522 Thomasville Rd: Oyster Roast. “The Tallahassee Ducks Unlimited Chapter is excited to hold the 3rd annual Oyster Roast. Join us for live music, fresh oysters, a top drawer raffle selection featuring Browning, BERETTA, Benelli, and Fish G.Loomis, and more!” 3pm/$40
  • Black Dog on the Square: Jazz on the Square featuring the Vincent Moore Quartet. 7pm/$5
  • Backwoods Bistro: Bill Pandolfi Trio. 7pm
  • Legion Hall: Dance for a Cause with Acme Rhythm and Blues. 7pm/$15 for the American Cancer Society
  • Blue Tavern: Anne Feeney & Eric Schwartz. 8pm/$10
  • The Warehouse: Canna Celebration. “Performances from: Epic Ganesh, Invented Truths, Cap 6, Therapy. Solo Performances by: Travis (Sway Jah Vu) and Matthew Cloutier. Come Early and Sign the Petition "To Regulate Marijuana Like Alcohol" Your Vote Counts. Let's Change Cannabis Laws!!” 8pm/18+/free
  • Junction @ Monroe: The Rockitz. 8pm
  • The Warrior: Super Bob w/ Defy the Tyrant, Misplaced Shoreline, and Scream Out Loud. 8pm/$10
  • Fifth & Thomas: Valley Queen with Wolf and Witness. 8pm
  • Garages on Gaines: Jazz & Beyond: 21 Blue feat. Longineu Parsons & Ted Shumate. 8pm/$5
  • The Wilbury: Merchandise and Chain of Flowers. 8pm
  • The Wolf’s Den: Wild Pink, The Sea Life, Den-Mate + more. 8pm/$5/all ages
  • Bradfordville Blues Club: Vanessa Collier. 9pm
SUNDAY 3/12
  • Gaines Street/Railroad Ave: The Souk – “Come grab brunch from Tallahassee's finest, enjoy local musicians and check out local vendors. BRUNCH! Gaines Street hosts 12+ locally owned dining establishments in a 2 block area - we've got something for everyone! VENDORS! We've got vendors all up & down the block! Have some stuff to sell? Bring it down!. And tons of live MUSIC!” Noon-5pm
  • GrassLands Brewery: Queer Trivia: Let's Get Beers Together. “GrassLands invites the Tally LGBT community and friends to come down and enjoy local craft beer and queer-themed trivia every Sunday. LGBT-themed trivia provided by Trivia With Hank. $30 bar tab for 1st place. Stick around afterward for queers and beers.” 5pm
  • Salty Dawg Pub & Deli: The Famous Acoustic Jam w/ Wayne, Glenn, and Bo. Open mic, free beer for performers. 6pm
  • Junction @ Monroe: BINGO. 7pm
  • The Wilbury: Half Waif, Alumine, Graham Snuggs. 2pm/free
  • Black Dog in RR Sq: March Full Moon Ride. 6:30pm
  • Junction @ Monroe: Second Sunday Blues Jam. “Bring your guitar, harp, voice, and any other instrument and join us every second Sunday for a blues jam. Open at 6pm for dinner, drinks, and player registration. House drum kit and bass rig provided. No cover charge.” 7pm
  • Tallahassee Museum: Full Moon Night Flight. “Tree To Tree Adventures’ Night Flights are a very exciting way to experience the Soaring Cypress zip line course in the dark. Grab your headlamps and zip through the treetops while conquering aerial obstacles and soaring over the cypress swamp.” 7:15pm
  • Waterworks: March Shimmy Caravan. “Enjoy a great dinner and some delicious cocktails while you watch Tallahassee's finest belly dancers strut their stuff!” 7:30pm/21+/free
MONDAY 3/13
  • Under Wraps on the Parkway: Bar Trivia With Hank. “50 questions of friendly trivia. Plus great Mediterranean food, delicious wraps, and beer by the bottle or bucket that won’t kick you in the wallet. $20 tab for 1st place. Near all the state offices – start your week off right.” 7pm/free
  • Junction @ Monroe: Monday Night Bingo. “Good food, good drinks, good friends, and a chance to win some big cashola! It doesn't get any better than [email protected]. Every Monday from 7pm-9pm we've got cash payouts up to $250 per game with multiple games each night PLUS a 50/50 drawing each week benefitting the Tallahassee Area Musicians Guild.” 7pm-9pm
  • Blue Tavern (N Monroe St): Lost Mondays with Belmont & Jones. 8pm
  • Waterworks: Patio Theater. 8:35pm/21+
  • 926 Bar & Grill: Karaoke with Nathan. He’s got all the songs. All the songs you want to sing. 9pm
  • Side Bar Theater: Open Mic Mondays with Karaoke and Games. “ Open Mic: Drums, Guitar Amp, and Bass Amp will be provided. (Bring your own guitars and various instruments!) Karaoke, Nintendo 64 ( Mario Kart, Starfox, and more!), Foosball, Cornhole.” 9pm/free/18+
  • The Warrior: Hip-Hop Open Mic Monday's // Dj T Wixx on site // Bring your Tracks. 10pm
TUESDAY 3/14
  • Junction @ Monroe: Live Rehearsal Tuesdays. “Tuesdays are Live Rehearsals at [email protected]. Sponsored by the Tallahassee Area Musicians Guild. Utilize our complete backline and PA for rehearsals, jams, or hold auditions. Up to one hour slots (or more depending on number of signups) per artist/group.” 4pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with J.T. Weir. 6pm
  • Madison Social: Trivia Social. They do half and half theme and miscellaneous, so check their FB every week for an event page. 7pm
  • Cap City Video Lounge: Tales from the Crypt Tuesday! 7pm/free
  • Brass Tap in Midtown: Trivia. Check their FB page for the theme. 7pm
  • Northside Pies: Bar Trivia With Hank. 50 questions of sweet, sweet trivia. This is a great geeky date night option. If you’ve got teens or kids that want to go to trivia (hey, nerds come in all sizes), this is a PG/PG-13 night. 7:30pm/free
  • Bird’s Oyster Shack: Trivia With John Carpenter. Lively and fun. 7:30pm
  • GrassLands Brewing Company: Trivia Factory. 7:30pm
  • Midtown Pies: Trivia and Deliciousness! 8pm
  • Fire Bettys: Now That's What I Call Tuesday! Dance Party. 8pm
  • Fourth Quarter: Trivia With Professor Jim. AUCE wings. Truly a trivia favorite. 8pm
  • Krewe de Gras: Karaoke With Pete. 8:30pm
  • Brass Tap on Gaines: Karaoke with DJRah. 9pm
  • The Warrior: Open Mic "SingeSong Writer" Edition. “Full bands welcome. Free Pitcher for a 15 minute or more ORIGINAL Set.” 9pm
  • 926 Bar & Grill: Trivia Tuesday! 9:30pm
  • Applebee’s on the Parkway: Karaoke with Amanda Goram. 10pm
  • Pockets Pool: Karaoke with Dwight. 10pm/21+
  • Junction @ Monroe: 100,000 Poets & Musicians For Change. 7pm
  • Blue Tavern: Roda Vibe - Brazilian Music. 8pm
WEDNESDAY 3/15
  • Madison Social: The Booze-ness Lunch: Free Drink During Lunch “If Don Draper did it, why not you. We are introducing the weekly Booze-ness lunch, because one cocktail in the afternoon just makes you more creative and productive (its science). Come have lunch with us, Centrale or Township and enjoy a delicious adult beverage on the house with food purchase.” 11:30am-3pm
  • Bird's Oyster Shack: Lab Sessions with All Strings Considered - Don Austin & Jim Crozier. 6pm
  • Blue Tavern: Happy Hour with Kalen Mercer. 6pm
  • Fermentation Lounge: Quizmaster General Knowledge Trivia. “Quizmaster is hosted by Bennett Miller from 7-9pm every Wednesday, and features three rounds of general knowledge trivia (and a weekly food special). It is free to play and teams of up to 6 are welcome. The winner of each round receives a sample flight, and the Quizmaster for the night receives a $25 gift card and serious credit on Geek Street.” 7pm
  • Brass Tap on Gaines: Trivia. Check their FB page for the theme. 7pm
  • Hurricane Grill & Wings: Trivia With Greg. 7pm
  • GrassLands Brewing Company: BYOBG! Bring Your Own Board Game. “Our gracious host, Trevor Bond, will be featuring one game each week. Feel free to bring your own games to play & share.” 7pm/21+
  • Junction @ Monroe: Wednesday Night Bingo. “Good food, good drinks, good friends, and a chance to win some big cashola!” 7pm
  • Proof: Bar Trivia With Hank. Drink delicious brews and show off all those random factoids you thought you’d never use. Local beer, local trivia in the heart of Tally’s Art District. A food truck is always out front for this, too, or you can order and pick up something great at the Crum Box Gastgarden (the caboose in RR Sq). Bar tab for 1st and 2nd place teams. 7:30pm/21+/no cover
  • The Warehouse: Open Mic. “There is a lottery for time slots. Now smoke free!” 8pm
  • El Patron: Karaoke With Big Bob. 8:30pm-11:30pm
  • 926 Bar & Grill: Karaoke. 9pm
  • Just One More: Karaoke with Roger. 9pm
  • Bird’s: Comedy Night. I’m pretty sure this is both a performance and an open mic. 9:30pm/free
  • Blue Monday: Literary Night with Kati Schardl & Mark Hinson. 8pm
  • Junction @ Monroe: Chris Henry & The Hardcore Grass. 8pm
Keep checking back, sometimes I update. Got anything to add?
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2013.06.24 11:21 creepymonkeiboi Excerpts

June 23rd, 2014 AP news. -Authorities are urging citizens with any information to come forward regarding the mysterious fatalities of 11 juveniles found drowned in East Canyon Reservoir on Wednesday evening. Reports that two rescue divers were hospitalized following the discovery of the bodies was denied as "categorically false" by SLCPD Chief Horner.
June 26th -"Dude, Just watched a fat guy choke himself unconcious on my neighbors garden hose. Ambulance showed up and took him away. WTF?" - Chris likes this, Jeannie likes this.
July 3rd - New York Post online readers - President Obama has urged Americans to "continue as normal" in light confirmed reports of an outbreak of a deadly virus across several midwestern states. Unconfirmed death tolls are currently in thousands as state and federal officials struggle with voluntary quarantines requested by the governors of both Colorado and New Mexico. White house officials adamantly deny the outbreak is a result of a terrorist attack. President Obama addressed a crowded news conference earlier today. "I know that people are scared. I know that fear is a terrible burden. Fear for your families and loved ones. I want the American people to know that tomorrow the fireworks will go up, and that they are safe. As to rumors of the white house declaring martial law, they are of course false..."
July 10th - Hannigan County School district has cancelled all summer programs until further notice. We urge our students and families to be safe. Pray for our country.
July 12th - Saturday, partly cloudy with a high of 85. Sunday, 80% chance of strong thunderstorms with a high of 80. Denver, CO.
Date: 7-14-14 To: Carl Young, From: Deidre Taylor, Subj: Denver lines - Carl, I can't in good conscious send crews to Denver. Have you seen the news? There are tens of thousands of bodies in the streets. Jamie told me this thing isn't a virus, its in the water. She heard it from her brother who works in D.C. You're just going to have to do a press announcement that service cannot be restored at this time. -sent from my I-Phone 4
July 20th - Reuters - Obama declares martial law with a mandatory nightly curfew of 8pm. Boil orders in effect.
July 21st Obituaries - Greendale, MO - Hannah Adams, Tyler Adams, Roger Avantine, Brett Axel, Brandon Barber, Heather Barber, John Barber, Yolanda Binger, Chris Booth, Sandra Booth, Tera Donavan, Gabriel Dunn, Hanna Dunn, Isabelle Dunn, Michael Dunn, Alicia Dunter, John Ery, Kaylie Fitzgerald, Eva Fontaine, Philip Fontaine, Ursela Fredericks, Gabby Friendly, Thomas Gallows, cont. on page 2.
July 25th - She's dead man she just walked in. - I can't do this. - WHER THE FUCK ARE YOU? - FUCK I CANT GET ANYONE TO PICKUP
July 30th - This is not a test, This message is being played by the emergency broadcast station to advise citizens of an emergency in their area. Officials advise citizens to avoid any contact with natural or municipal water sources. Boiling water is ineffective to eliminate the contagion. If you or your family has been affected, remove them to a dry, secure area and remove any contaminaint from their skin immediately. Do not allow them to consume food or liquids while affected. Restrict all food and liquid consumption to prepackaged goods. This message will repeat. This is not a test...
August 23rd - London Globe News - Tomorrow morning is a code red fog alert. Restrict all movement to the interior of sealed structures between the hours of 4am and 10am. Fog will be heaviest in urban areas and the death toll from the urge is expected to be in the thousands. Authorities estimate the official death toll in the British Isles to be approximately 51 million.
October 12th - Dear Mr. Pagnon, Your application for extended rations has been denied. Reasons given - You mandatory civic service quota at dumping facility 2367 of 200 hours was unfulfilled. Please contact the office of the Agency for the Preservation of Human Kind for further details.
January 30th - My beloved Christie, You will never read this letter. You walked into the creek behind our house six months ago. I watched, I watched you float for four hours before the water took you away. I was too scared to go in to try and get you, I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to die then, but I don't mind as much anymore. The supply trucks stopped coming by earlier this month. There wasn't anymore tank water left to give them anyway. I did my best to keep Silvia and Brett alive. I'm so sorry I let you and them down. Brett got caught in that rainstorm while on dump duty. His whole crew walked off the quarry cliffs. I don't think he suffered. Silvia, just, gave up. I tried to talk to her. But she just checked out after you left. She must have drank out of the rain barrel, because I caught up to her about twenty feet from the same creek that you...I tried locking her in the basement, but she just screamed and screamed. She...bit off her own tongue to drink her own blood. I couldn't do anything. I'm so sorry. There aren't anymore emergency radio broadcasts. I don't think there are many people left. I haven't seen anything alive since I saw that helicopter go over two weeks ago. I'm going down to the creek where I last saw you. Maybe I'll end up with you after all. I stay away from the water, but you can't avoid the humidity, the moisture in the air. The voices get louder every day. They whisper through the night for me to join them.
I hear your voice among them. I'll come drink and be with you, my sweetheart. I love you.
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Yolanda Adams Reportedly Dating WWE Star Titus O’Neil ...